Twilight of the Soul

Your breathing labours at death's door,

you gasp and strain without a pause,

knowing that this is a lost cause,

to defy death and Satan's maw

 

All is dark and silent around,

your poor frame it writhes against,

a world of doom and pestilence,

for those you leave behind,

you hope for better times.....

 

Author's Note

This short yet melancholy poem is about someone's last moments, prior to death. What that person thinks, feels and experiences in a few simple lines.

Reviews

[Marie Harrison]

I'm sure this is true. I think fear would be the strongest thought. Just the fear of the unknown, what would happen to your soul when your body died. That's what would bother me. Death is the ultimate of "losing control." Really loved this poem. Made me think about death, which I hate to do!

[Brianna Brie]

Hmmm...when I read this one, I imagine the speaker as the one snuffing out life. Perhaps from behind strangling a woman. Why a woman? It may be because she is usually physically weaker. It sounds a bit vengeful or embittered to me. Great write!

[Livana Lowell]

What do you mean by labor? Do you mean as in the target's using his last strength in grasp for the final breath or what because connoted with labor is work, employment, industries and the word just doesn't sit right. That's just my opinion. And then even if that word is used as a way of using the last of the target's strength, it disconnects with the following lines. It went from labor to animal qualities, a tool of nature by using the word maw as a metaphor. The diction here is really weird, to me, in my opinion only.

I love the second stanza though. I hear dark and silence too much, but I love "your poor frame writhes (like that word; it's new to my vocabulary) against/a world of doom and pestilence" My favorite lines. And the last lines leave me at awe and make me feel in depth with the poem. But then I also wonder what "for those you leave behind/you hope for better times" is supposed to mean. Does this mean that the ones left behind witnessed the death or something like that. What do you mean by "better times"? For what, the death, the scene of death. If you're denying Satan's maw, which means the target is damned, so how can there be better times?

Still good poem, I love the controlling idea.

[Twilight]

In English, if we "labour" at a task; it means that we're striving at something (or working at it). It's quite old-fashioned, and not often used as a term; in modern society.

[Twilight]

That's why we need "hope" for better times, precisely because of the dire predicament of people left behind. You have conflated sentences with different meanings from two different verses, and managed to confuse yourself.

[Twilight]

The first verse is purely about the grim act of someone dying, so it wasn't intended for you to turn up and playing "mix and match" with a line of your choosing from verse two.

[Michael X]

I really like this poem, it has a subtle under tone of darkness, and the layout accentuates the wording in form, to ponder the moment of death, this is gripping and pinpoint, keep up the great work.

[Twilight]

Thanks, and keep writing yourself.!

[Ladysue]

Wow, this was certainly is melancholy, but you did a great job with it. A short piece but it says a lot. Nicely done!

[Twilight]

Thanks, Ladysue! Best wishes.

[Hotaru Miyuki]

I love the way you express in very few words about a person's thoughts and emotions around them before death. I feel this person's grief and happiness. But afraid of the door opening to either hell or heaven. That's how I would feel. I wouldn't want to lose people close to me. But you have hope for a better future in the new world. Excellent!