Torquemada

This short story is set in outer space. Not at any specific point in time. The inspiration for this piece seemed to come out of nowhere! It took about thirty minutes to write. Well, more or less.

 

     He is the bringer of death and destruction to the outer worlds. A torquemada punishes those who have offended the greater gods in some way. He seeks to exterminate any race within his sphere of influence, which poses a threat to another breed. A torquemada deals in death. He knows no mercy. Nor does he have any appreciation of the true meaning of fear.

 

       Those who suffer a torquemada's wrath are soon no more. In stature he is mighty. Almost invincible in combat, by foul means or fair. A crimson shroud is the first feature noticed by most of his victims. He wears it with pride, this being the standard garment for a torqeumada. Why red, you might wonder? Crimson is the colour of blood and traditionally worn by minions of the greater gods.

 

       Looks into his eyes at your peril. Gaze too long at this mighty wraith, and you shall live no more on any world under his thraldom. One word out of place, and it could be your last.

 

       It was on the planet Caros in the Carilliorn solar system, where a breed of Kladonites had been troublesome to the greater gods for quite some time. They showed no respect for their heavenly fathers, and lived lives of decadence whilst giving far too little in return. When the torquemada struck their capital city, it was as sudden as it was merciless.

 

      Women and children were not spared. Neither the weak nor the old could flee in time to escape their doom. All too late, their elder priests regretted that they had not been making regular sacrifices to the greater gods. Instead, they had become used to the worship of mere idols. But no more.

 

       As the torquemada swept into the city streets, people scattered in their bestial terror. Windows shattered and a strong wind blew along the streets. Torquemada slew the soldiers first, followed by the weak and the old. Never before had the greater gods been so angered with such a hedonistic breed. And it was the torquemada's task to show this to devastating effect, as a harsh but fair warning to others.

 

        His massive cloak was large enough to propel the mighty wind more strongly still. Dark clouds were created throughout the city. Many were blinded as this dust struck their eyes. Never would they have another chance to worship mere idols or practise pagan beliefs. In the maelstrom, flying debris from the collapsed buildings flew like knives at the citizens. Glass fragments reflected what remained of the dwindling sunlight, as they tore into the throats of the hapless kindred. Perhaps, this was the worst havoc brought about by a torquemada so far?

 

        But what were the motives for this torquemada? Did he seek money or favours from the greater gods? But no. It was none of these. He simply knew no other way of existence. Always, it had been this way for the torquemada and always will it be. After all, the greater gods will always have need of the mighty torquemada, who can never die or lie. Nor do they suffer from vanity, or show pity for their victims.

 

        And so, in the far reaches of space and time, a torquemada lies waiting to this day. But fear not the wrath of these unholy wraiths, so long as you share a simple and honest life with your kin. Worship the greater gods or suffer at their hands. The choice is yours, mere mortals...... 

Author's Note

The sequel to this story is "Vapour of Vengeance". It is a tale of revenge, in which the surviving Kladonite priests seek retribution against the torquemada.

Reviews

[Eldee]

This would make an awesome prologue to a novel, and you could probably get a good sized novel just off the bit you have here!
Torquemada- I don't know, for some reason even the name puts a little bit of fear in my mind. Does it mean anything?
I love how he isn't a thing of evil, at least I don't think he is an evil-based creature. Instead, he is simply existing. Perhaps a greater description could be added for him? Is he more bestiary or more human, etc?
I can't wait to read more of your work. :)

Awesome! I'll have to read "Vapour of Vengeance" when I have time. You really could make a novel or something out of this.

[Greg Close]

The concept is cool - it reminds me a little of an ongoing series in the mag 2000 A.D. circa the early 80's (Nemesis The Warlock). It was way out there and very cool - the concept was that the avenging/righteous Torquemada was going after the heathen non-human aliens, led by the series namesake, Nemesis. It reads more like an intro to a larger story than a stand-alone, though. For instance, I was thinking it would lead nicely to a story about the Torquemada questioning the Greater Gods. Also a good set up for vengeance against said Torquemada (I guess I'll have to read Vapour of Vengeance to find out!)

[deeps]

I really like this write. I found it really interesting ai think it all held together really well.
Hel dme through all the way. Wonderful write here.

[thecoolone52]

yeah it kinda needs more diagoule and plot and all sorts of help............. its ok just revamp it alot............ thanks for entering my contest

[CLUTZ]

DEAT & DESTRUCTION!!! love it!! great story

[Julienne Norris]

Wow, are you sure you wrote this is 30 minutes or less?
By the description you can not tell it is a Sci-fi, so it helped that you said it took place in a solar system and gave the name of the "beings". That was all I needed to be transported their and witness the destruction caused by this Demi-God. If you wanted to take the story further I would add a little more back story, like a time, how long the "greater gods" had been in power, and a little description when it comes to the setting.
Other then that, it was very well written - as always.

[Nik Dendera]

Yeh, I'm with Eldee. Maybe expand, create more of a back story, more of a weaving of plot. Get a decent story out of this small extract.

You say its set in space, but I really couldn't tell. Maybe if you do work it into a longer tale, you could really emphasis that, bring in your sci-fi!

But its good. Nothing that a little elbow grease couldn't turn into a mini marvel. Its better to leave room for improvement in the early days.