Good-bye

Copious scarlet shimmers velvet knights
Hands stroke victory a curtain of starlight

Eyes wide and slick with clouds of gray

Enemies kiss earth where snakes play
Caverns consume sleeping sorrows
Wings of black, blue air borrows
Silence rules over sea and sky
Forlorn child heaves a sigh
Forlorn child says

          Good-bye

Author's Note

Experimenting a bit here. I don't usually write serious poems, however, I was in a serious mood and decided to give it a go. Reviews are welcome!

Reviews

[Lisa Bland]

Very well written. I found it very sad.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

children start out so innocent...wide eyed...but then they grow up...and the snakes of life with vicious venom poison the innocence and darken their lives...and sometimes...even at a young age, they decide to leave this world.

so sad....how life can wear them down so young.
Sorrows overwhelm...this poem is powerful.

[Cory Barrett]

I like how you shortened each line, projecting a sense of urgent conclusion, and ultimately good-bye. Always when a reader considers the cadence of a piece as a gesture to its totality.

[Saddam]

This was so sad, it made my heart weaken a
little bit. I loved it though, very well written.

[Aura Devour]

Wow.. short yet eloquent. Mesmerising... love it.

[Oswald Chesterfield Cob..]

This was so sad, it made my heart weaken a little bit. I loved it though, very well written. I give my fondest regards. Well done!

[Zahra]

Forlorn child heaves a sigh
Forlorn child says
Good-bye
I liked this poem, very nicely crafted

[ANM]

Words are there to be read and your words deserve to be read!

[LawrenceRaybon]

Don't usually write serious poems? You could have fooled me! This is so good!

A wonderful description of the desolation after a battle. The imagery was so vivid, almost Tolkienesque in it's dark majesty!

The use of metaphor and alliteration is spot on!

On rhyming, knights and starlight is a little bit of a stretch, (I almost never like to see a rhyme scheme start by playing fast and loose with the rules) but it works okay. Sorrows and Barrows on the other hand don't rhyme and irked me on each read through (Barrow rhymes with narrow, sorrow with borrow). It's such a little thing in such a good poem... but I see greatness here and I will speak out!

All in all, 'Good-bye' is a very very good poem, bordering on greatness!

Ciao,
Lawrence
Constructive Critic Group

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are
absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I
think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better
writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my
opinions/advice!***

[Margo Seuss]

Thank-you, my good sir!!! Now that I look at this I realize that I meant to say borrows all along but made a fatal spelling error!!!!! *gasp!* That's what happens when you write at 2 am! Originally the first line was 'Copious scarlet shimmers in the moonlight.' I changed is because I thought moonlight and starlight were a pretty weak ryhme (I essentially used the same word twice)! Somehow I don't think light and light count as a good ryhme!! Maybe if I changed the second verse to 'Hands stroke victory, a curtain of light.' Instead of starlight?
As always, thanks for your review!

[LawrenceRaybon]

Its the plural to singular that bothers me, the s with its hiss often gets in the way. That being said, the lines are so well written that I would keep it as is. Sometimes a bit of imperfection can emphasize perfection elsewhere. You have your very own literary beauty mark!