No telling

 "Snooping?" Jack asked putting her down. Lula looked deep into his angry black beaded eyes which stared back down to her as if he was going to attack. She gasped for breath as she stood up reaching just under his beak. She was too scared to speak. "Whatever you might have heard I want you to keep to yourself." 

 

"No!" Lula screamed. "That scroll is very important to my father!" He grabbed her wing in case she had rage to attack him. Lula's big brother Jet swooped in through the dome and landed on top of Jack pinned on the floor. Jack tried to fly away, but his wings were being stabbed from Jet's talons. 

 

"Who are you, and what do you think you're doing?" Jet asked him digging his talons in deeper. Jack screamed in pain, but never became fearful. Jet was a mercenary who was on his way to becoming a superior. He was very strong and had slicked black hair along with the other mercenaries.

 

"I'm afraid we haven't met. Jack's the name and you?" He squawked with a smile holding back the pain. Jet loosened on him seeing puddles of blood around Jack. He decided to get off him. He had done enough damage. Jack limped into a stance with only one wing working. "Don't have a name?"

 

"Jet." He mumbled stepping in front of Lula. 

 

"I'm not here to hurt the little one if that's what you think. I found her snooping outside the tree." Jack squawked gesturing towards the opening. 

 

"That gives you no right to touch her!" Jet blasted stepping towards Jack with a stomp. 

 

"I was here for your father. I had an appointment with him that just ended a moment ago." Jack squawked stepping up to Jet. They were beak to beak, and ready to attack each other again. Lula saw this and flew between them pushing them away. 

 

"Jet, he saved my life." Lula insisted. Jet looked at Jack then back down at Lula. "I nearly fell thirty feet. He grabbed me before I slipped. Don't hurt him." Jet gave a snort then flew out the opening with great force. Lula went to follow, but Jack grabbed her and flung her to the wall.

 

"Like I said, don't tell anyone about what you saw." He gave a sinister look then took one of his talons and layed it across her neck. "This talon will be inside your neck if you open your beak. Hear me?" Lula nodded her head and Jack flew away with one swift swoop. 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Deborah Shepard]

wow you are intriging loved it

[Mariana Silva]

I'm a little confused on just what these character may look like. At first I thought they were normal birds just that they were in place of people but hair? Desks? Are these creatures somehow more than that? It would be nice to have more descriptions of their other attributes.

[alternative_be]

In spite of the violence I do think this could be a children's book. Children tend to understand much more than you give them credit for!
I gather the Jack character is some sort of a spy who is out on getting information on people/birds. I do not like him one bit. If that is the intention, you have succeeded. About the length of the chapters: in case it was your aim to write for children, I think this is a good thing, keeping things short, so it is not hard to stay attentive while reading.
If this is meant for adults, yes, then the chapters should be mad longer. I think you should make your mind up about who your audience is. But, short chapters do work for me, since they make me eager to read the next one.
The talon gave me a Big Brother feeling!

[Forist.johnston]

So� was the talon a necklace type thing, or did he just like stab it in her neck? =] Like a said before, If you combined this with the previous writing, you could have the beginning of a chapter-length piece. I think your on a role, write more. =]

[chord0]

very violent and bloody. Good plot, although not much action. Juvenile story, but no longer a children's story because of the violence. Overall an interesting story.