Snooping

Lula walked by her father�s dome dozens of times and this time seemed to be the same as any other. Her lightweight flashy feathers gently, but fiercely flew over to his window. She had her claws grasped on a tree branch with three leaves dangling at the end. It was fall going into winter and all the trees were losing their beauty. She stood on the bare tree with her head held high catching every word from inside.

�This has happened before Jack, and I intend it not to happen again. Do I make myself clear?� Squawked Lula�s father. He was a strong bird with magnifigant wings. She had gotten her wings from her father and has enjoyed every pulse beating second with them. She tinged a little with excitement thinking of this.

�But sir, this is the only way we can get the langhorn Pass off our feathers.� Jack responded with a weak squawk. He was a scrawny crow with an abnormally large beak.
        
�Why does it have to put my family and everyone else�s in danger?� He too gave a weak squawk and flew out the window with such anger he didn�t seem to notice Lula snooping. Lula peeked her head back into the dome. Jack perched himself on top of her father�s desk. His scraggly appearance suggested that he was malnourished and very bad at keeping himself clean. He reached his claw over to a tied scroll on the middle of the desk. Lula had never seen this scroll before, but knew that her father would not want a bum of a crow leafing through it. The crow unraveled the scroll roughly then started to read it.
        
�What an idiot I�ve been. This is all I needed.� He muttered to himself loud enough for Lula to hear. She gave a yelp then quickly turned around with her back firmly up against the tree. Her heart leaped out of her chest when the branch below her cracked. She scrambled up to the thickest part of the branch, but the branch was still unsteady. She clung to the tree with her perfect beautiful wings. She tried to fly away, but her wings wouldn�t let her. Soon the branch completely broke off and gave a thud on the cold ground. Lula hugged the tree with all she had. She looked around the dome, but nobody was there to save her fall. She slowly slipped down the tree, but before her wings gave out a claw wrapped around her body bringing her inside the dome. It was the bum of a crow who saved her life.

Reviews

[Deborah Shepard]

wonnderful.Love the way you started

[Mariana Silva]

Great start for a story, I'll make sure to read the other chapters.

[alternative_be]

Reading this, this makes me think of the crows who populated the neighbourhood where my boyfriend used to live ... They were very noisy and squabling whole the time ...
At some point they even entered the house using the chimney and attempted to make a nest in the attic ...
Their behaviour and communication had something human about it.
In the beginning of your chapter, I sense this kind of athmosphere, so I can relate to the fact that birds can behave like humans sometimes and vice versa, I have encounterd humans acting as birds, vultures for instance.
So I like the idea of your setting: birds living in a house, communicating like humans and using the same furniture ...
Great concept! I sure will read the next chapters as well!

[Dreki]

Thanks for the request! I absolutely love the fact that you are writing this at your age, getting all the kinks worked out early means you can rock the publishing world sooner than most of us. So don't let people put you down, and don't use it as an excuse. I liked this and I want to see you polish it to a shine.

Just a few quick things,

Passive Voice is FTL! Try to never use 'was' and 'had' and anything along those lines. I know sometimes its impossible and that's okay, but most of the time you can just rewrite the sentences in a stronger active voice. Also, this will help with sentence awkwardness...try reading everything out loud, I know it sounds dorky but it works.

I understand that you are writing about non-human creatures here. I also noticed that your main character is a bird...I think...anyway, you may want to change the verb in the first sentence so that she didn't 'walk' by her fathers house. You could say something like, 'passed by' or 'frequented' so as not to reveal too quickly that she is a bird.

Lastly, you might want to put in more description, the setting for the scene was confusing to me and I didn't understand where I was. Also, I'm not sure if these creatures are birds, or bird-like people, or angels...you may want to get into some details in the first few paragraphs or so�

Over all I like the idea, I want to see where you are going here, I want to know more about the creatures and their way of life. I like that they have offices and familie. I like the shady bum crow, I want to know more about him.

Keep me updated!

Rtr
Serra

[Trée]

TS, I wish I could have written this well when I was your age. Very nice job with the dialogue and transitions. I think you are off to a fantastic start.

[Forist.johnston]

Birds! How unique! Interesting beginning, I'm of to read Ch. 2. I might make the Chapter's a little longer though, if I were writing it. But, it's your work, and you present it in a way you think is best. Cheers.

[chord0]

A fable with crows, reminiscent of Aesop. Even an ugly crow can save your life, what a message indeed. Interesting story line, unusual setting and characters.

[Chaos]

Ok,

Now that I have read this with fresh eyes it makes sense. My only suggestion would to make the father's exit more profound. He is a leader and He is angry by what is happening around him. He can't slam a door, but his sound could be louder.

Great write!

[Chaos]

I'm so confused. The first chapter I read was intriguing because I thought it was people and Jack was a member of a secret "society" one, that could kill his whole family if he didn't comply. This piece confused me because it wasn't people, but birds and I lost my place in the story. Where am I in the story?

I love your verbage.