Could and aren't

Silly rants of despair.

I can stare at the wall striped hotdog style, and do. Let the losing
find me. Go away. Escape into the controlled breeze of my reflection.
The cold recollection of summer nights in the reed fields, Jenna in my
hair. Her mindless emotion soothing. Her tantrums my gateway to
composure. Hers lost was mine found. To the bleeding skies and theorems
of infinity. The girl on my chest. The words from my toes a mess, but
adequate. The silence in my love and the aching of my lust. I have
walked a grown in road and slaughtered it's austerity. Battered it
grotesque. I don't care what they told you about individuality, it has
nothing to do with traveling the path less traveled. Not a damn thing.
It has nothing to do with struggle. The only thing that is unique about
it is the lack of support on your faded pixel foundation. There is
nothing to build from when you start fresh, you kill the collection of
humanity's existence and let it saunter to the left. You take your hand
out of the contribution equation. You are a wreck. You are me. And I, I
can not breathe. I can tell you of a world so bold, so magnificent. I
can let your senses experience a virgin mediation. I can confuse you in a
way that is so familiar to your intuition that you feel exactly what I
mean- even when you are thinking my words ambiguous...the feeling is
refined. Isn't it? Because if it is, it has nothing to do with what I'm
trying to communicate. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter what
you've been through. It's not about the pain, barely about the growth
from the pain. You are not what you've learned. The girl, the one with a
finger in her mouth and that pang in her abdomen trying to be
pleasure...feeling more like being buried alive, she isn't the gristly
face sweating into her tears. That boy, the one in the cherry red lips
and doll gown glowing bloody- a curious girl at his thighs; he isn't the
disquiet caught silent in his throat. So get over the past and just
be...because I can't.

Author's Note

8th grade journal