The Villain

A story Scott and I are writing, This is the first chapter written by your's truly, second by Scott.

 It was a dark and stormy night. It always is. It would be terribly bad form not to be. 

A lone figure rode towards the stalwart tower. The midnight hooves clomped on the stone walkway. The ground where the horse walked might at any moment heave and open before him, sending him down into its depths.

The lone rider, however, had been here before, he knew the ways of this place, and would not be caught. He led his horse on, creeping across the walkway, and soon the black tower's carved gargoyles and demons were looming over him. Touching this black thing might be the last thing anyone ever did. Yet even so the figure raised his hand, and reached forward. He reached without hesitation, his hand touching the tower. And then...

             ...He rung the doorbell.

»~¤_¤~>

 

             Vikthin had been at the Educatorium for a whole month now, and in the time he could already tell that many of the Villains-In-Training there weren't sincere. His dream was to become the greatest Villain in all the lands, rule the world or something equally as grand.

There was just one problem. It wasn't his physique, nor stature, or even his armpits. It was his damn lisp.

               Vikthin chewed his lip, frowning as he thought of his predicament. He looked up from the tiresome book and his eyes drifted around the room. It was, of course, made of cobwebby, moldy old stone that sprouted cockroaches every night. At a villain’s Educatorium you wouldn’t expect anything less.

Then the door was smashed in. A dark figure scowled at Vikthin from the hall.

Vikthin sighed and put a marker in his book. That was the fifth time this week.

Adam was eight feet tall—considered large, for his age of twelve. He was the perfect model of a Villain in training. He was a bully—although he had a heart of gold, and was remorseful over the fact—he had a deep powerful Maniacal laugh that reverberated off the walls and made your ears ring, he excelled at capturing young maidens, and he was Vikthin's mentor and friend. If one could call any Villains friends.

Adam though of himself as pretty much Vikthin's older brother, even though Adam was twelve and Vikthin was sixteen.

              Vikthin growled in annoyance.

               Adam rubbed his knuckles. "Those doors are so hard to knock down, since they’re pure obsidian embossed with steel. Ready for Class 201, buddy? I see you’re catchin’ up on Professor B.'s assignment."

              Adam smote Vikthin playfully on the head. Vikthin grunted in pain as much in assent as they exited the room.

The hall was painted black with red lightning spidering down the sides. About every four spans an ivory skull torch hung to light the passage.

Other Villains-In-Training were making their way to the classroom. Most, he noted, only seemed half hearted about it. He grinned and resisted the urge to rub his hands together in malevolent glee. The less villains that came out of this Educatorium with high marks, the less competition in taking over the world.

There was already enough. One couldn’t rule the world these days without stepping on another villain’s toes.

As they approached the solid pink door that was Professor Bwehehe's classroom, Vikthin noticed two men standing nearby. One was Braston von Stongurd, the Principal of the Occupational Young Villains Educatorium. Braston was the World’s Greatest Evil Scowler, and right now his evil scowl was burning a hole in the wall.

The other was Postoculus Officius, the message carrier from whom the Educatorium got all its news. He was gazing at Braston while talking, but Braston was looking behind the mailman so as not to burn his head off.

              Vikthin involuntarily cocked a head to listen and caught just a few words.

              "Giant invasion force..." Postoculus muttered. "Hundreds, sighted off the coast of Creed."

              "...Don't worry," Braston shook his head, "they wouldn't-"

Then Adam yanked him forward by his arm, almost pulling it out of socket. Vikthin reluctantly entered into the large pink world of Professor Bwehehe's Maniacal Laugh class.

                The normal fight-for-seats was going on as the two entered the classroom. Young villains and villainesses wielded their books in their hands as they fought for the farthest place from Professor Bwehehe.

                Adam plowed his way through them, saying ‘’Scuse me, ‘scuse me, just getting a seat.’ Vikthin followed him. 

                Professor Bwehehe entered the classroom and sat down in the front.

                Vikthin perused the Professor for the third time since his arrival. The gnoll was short and bow-legged. His hyena-like kinsmen wore loincloths but the Professor had settled for a puffy-sleeved shirt and a tie—though he still refused to wear pants.

                The Professor took a drink of water. Like all gnolls, no matter how much water he drank, he always ended up thirsty. This was because he put out more spit than the Educatorium showers. It was horrific, it was a freak Wonder of the World how much spit he could muster and throw out at the students.

                This didn’t make the students feel any better. Other Professors asked why they carried oak shields to the class, and they said ‘You’d just have to be there to really know.’

                “Schtudents!” the gnoll shouted. The unfortunates in the front raised their defenses as the first wave came.

“Open your booksch to page Thirty-Three!”

Vikthin winced as a young dark elf in the front row collapsed under the terrible volley. That always happened when he came to the Th’s.

Unlike the other gnolls, who generally ran around naked and worshiped demon lords named Noofatoof and Faturflaf and other things, Professor Bwehehe had written a book. He opened it up now.

It was entitled, Twelve Maniacal Laughs, Eleven Ways to Spit, Ten Ways to Intimidate Villains, Nine Ways to Paint a Room Pink, and Eight Seven- Headed, Six- Tailed, Five- Tongued Pink Hellhounds.

“Let usch begin!” the Professor declared.

“Hold on a minute, Professor,” someone shouted, “poor Lanturn’s drowning here!”

               

»~¤_¤~>

 

              As Class 201 sat through the lecture, something was slinking. It was very good at slinking. It was also a master of assassination. It had a dagger in its hand. And it was pissed off.

 

»~¤_¤~>

 

               Braston Van Stongurd was a great man and an even better scowler. He had led the Educatorium for many a year, through dilemmas, problems, difficulties, consternation, and even constipation—another story for another time. However, he was not equipped for this.

                “Bloody invaders,” he growled, grabbing a shelf’s worth of books, “you get settled down and cushy and try to work up for retirement, and then—zam!—they’re here.”

              Any observer on this scene would be puzzled. A powerful, wise, and scowling principal was running around his room in gold boxers grabbing various memorabilia and stuffing it in frog-shaped satchel. 

               He grabbed the green satchel and leapt out the window. This would seem foolish, and it was. Braston didn’t think it foolish, because he had a gryphon waiting to take him away.

               However, it was foolish, because gryphons are easily distracted, and this one had taken a minute to go and chase some flying fish.

               “Pity,” Braston scowled as he plummeted to the rocks below.

 

»~¤_¤~>

 

That was why, two hours later when a figure crept into his room with dagger upraised, it was empty. It was why, even when the assassin had looked under all the furniture and behind the shelves, all it could find was a whimpering gryphon clinging to the tower’s window sill.

It was also why that figure decided to instead vent its fury on a nearby cockroach. It is worth noting that because of this decision, the figure's body was found several weeks later, mutilated beyond all recognition. The cockroaches in the villain's Educatorium should not be vented upon lightly.

 

»~¤_¤~>

 

              Vikthin contemplated life as he walked back from Class 201. Mostly he contemplated the part about death. Who wants to die? People have come up with ways to get rid of almost everything they don't like or want. So why not death? And if people couldn't defeat death, why don't they just postpone it by never killing? Then people wouldn't die as fast and everyone in their time could grow food and make miraculous medicines to heal all. Then eventually they could discover electricity and cars and...

Vikthin was so caught up in thinking about peace that he had somehow come across the memories of his unborn descendants. Besides scarring him this also pleased him, for it meant that one day someone would marry him...at least he hoped it meant that.

              Once again Vikthin started. He slapped his cheek, then he slapped his other one. It always happened this way. He always just got caught up about death, and it turned to hoping for peace. He would never become a great Villain if he kept this up. He would never rule the world if he kept thinking about fluffy subjects like this.

               Think about administrative responsibilities. Right. Now, if he ruled the world, would he make it a capitalist economy or a communist economy?

              Class 201 was his last class for the night, so he headed to his room to get ready for bed. After replacing the door, he carefully wiped the spit off his books, brushed his mustache, combed his toe hair, and ground his teeth in agony. He tried one laugh, and then went to bed.

World peace. How silly. Things like that were what turned people into the most evil thing of all—hippies.

Author's Note

Any help would be nice, whether storyline, grammer, or spelling.

Reviews

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

Ok, so can I be honest? I think I'll be honest. Heres my overall thoughts.
Funny, but the writing needs some improvement. I'll show you what I mean.
"It wasn't a dark and stormy night. It was more of a foggy, humid twilight. A lone figure rode towards a stalwart tower. The very air in this place was damp. The ground where he walked might at any moment heave and open before him, sending him down into its depths. There he would stay...forever. The lone rider, however, had been here before, he knew the ways of this place, and would not be caught. He rode on, and soon the black tower's intricately carved gargoyles and demons were looming over him. Touching this black thing might be the last thing anyone ever did. Yet even so the figure raised his hand, and reached forward. He reached without remorse, his hand touching the tower. And then..."
"There he would stay...forever." Definitely not needed. I mean, what else is he gonna do, when he's swallowed by the earth? You can trash that sentence. "He rang the doorbell." Do academies HAVE doorbells? I think you should start this off serious, and then hit us with the doorbell thing(if you keep it) to make it real funny. Make it maybe a little cheesy, with the dark and stormy night thing, and then slap the reader upside the head and make him/her laugh. It would maybe make us not realize the non-practicality of it.
"It was his bloody lisp." I don't think you need bloody here, it makes it sound like your trying to be british.
"Ding went his door as Adam smashed it open." You got a 'To be' word in there. Went. To be words make your sentences clumsy. And why is it going Ding when he's smashing it?
"Vikthin grunted in pain as much in assent as they exited the room." Awkward.
"Annoyed at being interrupted in his assigned reading, he growled." How about "He growled in annoyance"?
" Then Adam yanked him forward by his arm, nearly pulling it out of socket. Vikthin reluctantly entered into the large pink world of Professor Bwehehe's Maniacal Laugh class." replace Nearly with almost. It gets rid of that horrid 'ly'. Cut the Then. You can almost always get rid of Then's. They don't add anything, really. Bwehehe? Sounds weird. Why not just have it be Bwahaha or Muahaha or Mwahaha?
"The room was filled from the back forward as Vikthin and Adam entered. Adam picked up two scrawny slackers and tossed them towards the front of the room. Then Vikthin and Adam took the seats, hoping they were close enough to the back of the room." This is basically all tell. Cut the Was from sentence #1. Cut the Then from sentence #3. The middle sentence is...meh...it's not that bad...but I'd say something more like "Adam lifted two scrawny nerds from their seats and clonked their heads together. He and Vikthin took the now empty seats."
"Professor B. said, or rather, spat, "Pwunctuality, is pwecisly what pwupils must pwepare for." Which all in all made practically no sense. Prof B. was not exactly human, he wasn't exactly non human either though. He was a self refuting mythical "Thing." Because of this his spittle was able to burn through anything. Well, almost anything, actually it just burned clothes. Still this presented a very embarrassing situation to students who had never been naked in public before. Esspecially since the class was co-ed." pwupils? Sounds weird. You misspelled Especially. Omit the Actually. Actually is an empty adverb and it doesn't add much at all.
"As Class 201 sat through the lecture something was slinking. It was very good at slinking. It had gone to school for forty-two years for this moment. It was also a master of assassination. It had a dagger in its hand. And it was pissed off." LOL. Omit the 'It had gone to school for forty years at this moment' as it is a tell and we(the readers) don't need to know that.
"Any observer on this scene would be puzzled. It appeared thusly, a principal was running around his room in gold boxers grabbing various memorialize and stuffing it in the mouth of a frog. Then, grabbing the frog they jumped out the window, apparently forgetting that there is a hundred fathom indent in the land surrounding. Too bad." Okay, don't TELL us the scene is puzzling, SHOW us it's puzzling and let us draw our own conclusions. You have a couple They's where they should be Him's.
"I mean, who wants to die." You need a question mark at the end here. And I don't think the narrator should say "I mean" It detracts from the narrators omnipresence.
You end with an adverb. TAKE IT OUT! Replace with probable or something. Anyway, this is so dang long I wouldn't even care to read it thoroughly and I'll end it there. GJ.
Andrew

[vampireprincess]

I Love it.

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

This work really shows promise. Well done.

[Emily B]

awesome, I had a read request . . . enjoyed it

[Danny J.H.]

i really like the plot, it's comic genius! the use of irony and cliche really make this a worthwhile read!

[Kelsey Desmond]

I would say within writing purposes/structure, this is your best piece which expresses you most, and shows your strong points. Unfortunately, that's just in some parts. It also expresses your weak points. Revising is necessary in all writing, even people's best, and it doesn't mean you have to change much. Just recognize your strong points, and stretch those, don't remove your weakest points, because that would ruin the flow, just simply over-power them: just a thought.

[Mark]

Well, Andrew offered a great deal of stylistic advice, but missed the only two which bothered me: "...grabbed various memorialize..." makes no sense. "Memorialize" is a VERB--did you mean "memorabilia", or "mementos"? And, "...stuffed them into the mouth of a frog": I know they're strange and all, but there is no foundation for this. What frog? WHY a frog? Is frog some sort of satchel? SAY satchel!
The only other is a typo: "urned", in 2nd to last paragraph, should be "turned". And the phrase, "...and it turned..." needs to be preceded by a comma. Otherwise, a funny talk, with much potential. Have you introduced these characters in previous works? If not, a little more background might be warranted.

[John Morris]

Try to understand what Andrew said cos he is right although i did enjoy this, its a practchett-esque write and i liked it. i usually ignore your grammar and stuff because it is a laugh reading it and it still is.

Look at Andrew if you want to improve it grammactically

[Ruby Moon]

@.@
scary cockroach...
on to the next chapter

[Shanna (Renae)]

At times a little hard to keep up with, it jumps around a bit too much, but other than that I like it so far. :)

Going on . . .