The Savior

This is a poem I came up wit, it doesnt Flow great and I would deffinatly love suggestions.

All that I ever wanted,

At my feet you laid,

All that I ever needed,

That you always paid.

 

But now here I stand,

But now here I cry,

Slipping in the sand,

Without a reason why.

 

Oh, I was so strong,

Or so I thought,

Gone for so long,

And still I fought.

 

You I Always detested,

Forever hating,

No, I Never listened,

Now lacking.

 

Away I have turned,

Me, you only want to free,

But you I always spurned,

From salvation, forever to flee.

 

You are demure,

You still are here,

Healing the poor,

You quench my fear.

 

Your words I always heard,

Them I always cursed,

Seeing those men you cured,

Not the meaning imersed.

 

You came to redeem,

But we abhored,

We just live a dream,

Not listening, O Lord.

 

Author's Note

Deffinatly need and critiques you can give. Thanks

Reviews

[Scott Free]

This is good, but pretty raw.
I think it has a lot of promise but isn't near that yet.
A few things I noticed;
The first stanza is ABAB while most of the rest is ABAC. This might have been on purpose but it's kind of jarring for the reader to go from the first stanza (ABAB) to the second stanza (ABAC). I would say that you should, if you can, make it all ABAB.
The Fifth and Seventh stanzas break up the flow, too long.
I think the biggest thing you need to do is take this and read it aloud. Give it a little more direction, if you know what I mean. More imagery would be nice, also.
This is some good material, but it needs some work.

Keep writing, Greg!

[Daydreamer54]

I think this is good and ur right that thw flow is a little interupted...but i dont have any poetry expertise to help u, so i'll just say that i like it. :)

[SetApartGirl]

pretty good. Like you said, there's hardly any flow to it at all, but I like the general idea of it.

[Hello Kitty]

Pretty good, but you need to edit it alot. It was a little hard to understand at the begining, and I think that you should keep working on it. If you do keep editing it I think that it will be as good, if not better, than your other poems, whih as very excellent.

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

So well said. So well written. Love it. Keep Writing.

[IPMONER]

i like the poem very teeny.
truth of the matter is you really dont need to follow sequences nor go classic. as long you convey your notions about something that all matters.

[Mark]

"...with...flow WELL...definitely"
All other critiques I might have offered have been made. Keep an eye to your spelling.
The majority of your lines are only four syllables. It is difficult to build a consistent rhyme scheme into such brevity. You might wish to reorganize the subject matter into longer individual lines, so as to give yourself greater versatility--but the thoughts, taken as a whole, are lovely, and only await a patient caress to be fully expressed! Good effort, Greg!

[Shanna (Renae)]

I really like what you've done with this Greg! Good job on the editing.

I'm not sure how much the line with "snored" fit into the poem. It made me laugh, but it seemed to detract from everything else you were saying. But I can imagine it must be really hard to find a good rhyme for "Lord."

But other than that I thought it was excellent. :)

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

I don't know if scott knows what he's talking about, but it seems to me that the first stanza is ABCB, because wanted and needed don't rhyme. The second stanza however is ABAC I believe; out and accept do not rhyme. Third stanza is ABAC; thought and you don't rhyme. Fourth stanza is either ABCD or ABCB because I'm not sure if listening and detesting rhyme, if they do, it's not the best rhyme. Fifth is ABAC. Sixth is ABAC. Seventh ABAC. Eighth ABAC. But I think you already knew that. I'd say that if possible keep it consistent.
Anyway, good song, not-quite-so-good meter. Gj.
Andrew