Afterlife?

Inspired by a song by Avenged Sevenfold, Hope your like it.

Laying, beginning to pass,

Bidding a final farewell,

To your constant harass,

I will not rebel.

 

To escape I long,

Oh, my dream,

It turns so wrong,

I can't redeem.

 

I wake in a dark place,
I float within an ebon void,
I wish I could see your face,
Am I destroyed?

 

To escape I long,

Oh, my dream,

It turns so wrong,

I can't redeem.

 

Here is a light I find,

Vision for me to follow?

An apparition of mind?

Soul feels so hollow.

 

To escape I long,

Oh, my dream,

It turns so wrong,

I can't redeem.

 

Welcome to my Afterlife,

Here my life is utter Hell,

My world converts to strife,

Here since on Earth I fell.

 

To escape I long,

Oh, my dream,

It turns so wrong,

I can't redeem.

 

But now I hear it say,

A chance to be saved,

This penance not to pay,

If I reject what I craved.

 

To escape I long,

Oh, my dream,

It turns so wrong,

I can't redeem.

 

Back here I am grand,

Returned to this world,

But now I will better, stand,

Lest, back to Hell I'm hurled.

 

Author's Note

Hope you guys like it, for some reason some parts just couldn't come together, suggestions would be great.

Reviews

[Scott Free]

A really good poem, Greg! Liked it a lot.
I only have a few suggestions. First stanza;
"Laying, begining to pass,
Bidding you final farewell,
You always did harass,
I won't rebel."
Well, beginning is spelled with three 'n's but my main point is that your last line doesn't go with the meter. Maybe 'I promise, I won't rebel'?
But actually, this first stanza is very vague and doesn't give me a very good lead-in. I would perhaps start with the next stanza, or make this one more clear in its meaning.
Other than that, good job!

~S

[deeps]

I think this is awesome! I must say Wow!
So much said in this write. I think it's
written very well.

[Ophelia]

It's almost as though this poem was made of stardust. I feel as though it is being whispered to me by a strange creature from beyond Polaris. This is truly a wonderful read. I don't mean to sound... dumb if I may, but is this by any chance about Reincarnation?

P.S.
A7X rocks my socks!

[AeroChic]

It was a pretty good one... the fifth section 4th line it says "soul feels so hollow" hhaha that doesnt exactly fit..with the rhythm u could try "My soul feels so hollow" But anywho, it wuz pretty awesome!:)

-el

[Jade (insanity)]

I liked it
But I couldn't really follow it
It had great flow
The poem itself
Was great
Keep writing,
-Nightmare
p.s.- AV7 is awesome! ^-^

[XxToxicAngelxX]

I love your poems they always have so much feeling.

[Mark]

Greg,
Are you familiar with the term, Metric Foot? There are four basic units of beat in spoken English. Train yourself to hear syllables are more strongly stressed, and when laid off. It won't always be possible, but strive to keep the most significant word in each line or thought on an accented syllable. Let me re-work one of your stanzas, to show you what I mean (capitals are STRESSED, l.c. is off):

WAKing IN a DARK place, i WA ken IN a DAR kened PLACE

FLOATing IN a VAST VOid, i FLOAT with IN an E bon VOid

Wish I could SEE your FACE, i WISH that I could SEE your FACE

Am I deSTROYED? to TELL me HAD i BEEN de STROYED?

Note the repeated off-ON, off-ON pattern. This is called an "IAMB". Since there are four of these units in each line, it's called "Iambic Tetrameter". Without variation, it can get tiresome and singsong, so you'll want to vary the pattern, in a regular fashion, from time to time; I merely show you this to define a metric foot for you, and help you hear the naturally occuring stresses in English. FYI: the other three basic feet are the Trochee (troKAY): BA-dum; the DACTYL: ba-da-DUM, and the ANAPEST: BA-da-dum. Don't worry about the names just now, there won't be a test, just learn to hear them.

[Shanna (Renae)]

Dark and cold. That's what this poem feels like to me.

I like it though. Particularly the fourth verse.

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

hmmmmmmmmm another interesting one.
I can't comment much because I don't know the song your talking about.
begining=beginning, with two "N"s
"Welcome to my Afterlife,"
Does Afterlife need to be capitalized?
"Oh, my dream,"
Is the first comma needed?