♪ We MUST have Peace ♫

Ok, from my poem "That Evil Thing" some people may have thought I am for peace at all costs. That is not the case, though I hate war, sometime we need to go there. We need to protect ourselves and sometime a preemptive strike is needed.

Now I'm here alone,

All the rest are dead,

Our country was so wrong,

To take those balls of lead.

 

Our country said, "no war",

And said "we must have peace,

We shall negotiate",

They still refused to cease.

 

Enemies kept threatening,

But government, so blind,

Made us appear so frail,

For peace we had to find.

 

We said, "Leave us be!",

But they bombed us anyway,

And millions are no more,

This is the price we pay.

 

First they kill my hope,

Then they maim my mind,

Next they sear my body,

My soul they cannot bind.

 

Wishing to be held,

Only killers left,

To seek control of me,

At hiding they are deft,

 

Now they all are gone,

How did it begin?

Our country refused to war,

Against those drenched in sin.

Author's Note

Ok please review on anything you see wrong rather than saying "There are some problems but I am sure you will see them." Thanks

Reviews

[Mark]

Welcome to the Young Republican's League!
It is a special kind of naivete that convinces someone that he can parlay with nations that have never known a decade's peace in their entire existence! Nevertheless, he must be commended for attempting the high road...Just as Carter did, and look what it got him! I do NOT believe in the preemptive strike, as you seem to endorse, but I DO believe that the greatest military might in the world should convert a few square miles of sand into GLASS, rather than be bullied by the likes of Yemen and Granada!
I know, by "cleft" you meant within a rock or cliff face, but I do not think that is a correct word. You might try, "At hiding, they are DEFT". "Cleft" is the past tense of "cleave": to cut in two.
I completely love the stanza: "First they kill my hope/ Then they maim my mind/ Next, they sear my body/ (But) my soul they cannot bind!"
Well done, young writer! Keep it up!

[KisuKimmi]

Wow, Titan, this is a really good poem, I love it...I see no way to change it to make it better. I love how you are able to feel the cruelty and injustice of war... and how we all long for peace....

[Scott Free]

Very good. You manage to condone (smart) war without sounding like a war-monger.
Quite well-done.
"Our country refused to war,
Against those drenched in sin."
You use war quite a bit in this poem, I'd find some synonyms or have a different word. "Our country refused to fight | Against those drenched in sin."
First stanza;
"Now I'm here alone,
All the rest are dead,
Our country was so wrong,
To take those balls of lead."
Alright--this was alright, but the historian in me protested. 'Balls of lead'--i know this is a poem and all, but balls have not been used in guns since rifles were invented. I know bullets is too long...maybe a different set of words? 'Against those nuclear warheads'? Of course we never have been blown up by a nuke so I guess this doesn't work either. I'm sure you can find something else. Balls of lead just didnt' fit. Reminded me of Buns of Steel.
Anyway, other than that, phenominal job! Quite good!

~S

[Shanna (Renae)]

Another good write! Though not as excellent as your last piece. This one seemed a little too forced.

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

Hmmm interesting.
"Ok, from my poem "That Evil Thing" some people may have thought I am for war at all costs..."
First of all, I think that you should change this to,
"Ok, from my poem "That Evil Thing" some people may have thought I am for no war at all costs." It seemed as though your poem That Evil Thing was completely AGAINST war. Or at least that's the connotation I got. All the pointing out the bad stuff and such.
I couldn't see much wrong with the poem itself though...
'Our country says, "no war",
And said "we must have peace,
We shall negotiate",
They still refused to cease.'
you have first says and then said. Maybe 'Our country SAID "no war"...'?
'We said, "Leave us be!",' is this the country or the narrator and some other people? Suggestion;
'Our country said "Leave us be!"'
or
'I said "Leave us be!"
Well that's not that great but I'm confused as to who "we" is.
Anyway gj.