"Now all flee for shelter,
But none of that comes soon,
We kill to save each other,
But doom ourselves to ruin."
Nice stanza, but ruin isn't the best rhyme with soon. Also, I don't understand the second line. But none of that comes soon? I don't understand.
"Now our world lays crippled,
Our hands have crushed its spine,
Mortality rate has tripled,
Farewell, poor world of mine."
First it's our world and then it's mine. I realize that mine is the rhyming word but maybe have the first one be, "And now my world lays crippled" y'know, actually, that doesn't sound so great. See what you think.
"That what we thought, was wrong," no need for the comma.
I noticed that some stanza's have the form A B C B, while others have the A B A B form. I'd say keep it consistent.
Anyway other than those things you did good. The more you write of these the better you get. And you've written a bunch of 'em.
This was so nice ,i hope it opens those minds..who will never mind
Many lives broken,children stricken,nations scattered
We doom ourselves to ruin,our world is crippled
Yes..just keep right on killing,you are doing a wonderful job!!!
this is a strong bitter write ,i was really touched..
lovely write ..
I must say, I'm rather blown away with this. The wording is very simple, but powerful. I admit, you strayed from your rhyme scheme here and there, but it wasn't too noticeable, not much stumbling over words because the basic rhythm and flow stayed. This poem shows a lot of potential, you've got some real talent, I think you may just need to hone your skills a little bit in the area of rhyming. But you're well on your way, nice piece!
GREG! That is Awsome!!! You SHOULD definatly publish it! AMAZING! And I think that you should make a series of these poems!! Go enter it in a contest!!! Oh, first get it Copy Righted!
This is the first of your poems I've read, Titan (name?), but it shall not be the last. I see strong potential in you, for one who (if your Avatar is in fact you) seems very young. I disagree with other of your correspondents: "soon" and "ruin" are close enough to fall under the umbrella of poetic license, if the 2nd and 4th rhyme, it's not critical that the 1st and 3rd do as well, and a few too few or many syllables here or there are not sufficiently jarring to break the flow; in fact a little jaggedness is complimentary in a piece whose mood is primarily frustration and anguish! I am a strong proponent of Rhyme and Meter (just read my Bio sketch, or 95% of my work!), and I find it encouraging to see it handled so capably in one so young; much of what passes for poetry today...Well, I'll not go there...YET! At any rate, GOOD JOB!!
"Now all flee for shelter,
But none of that comes soon,
We kill to save each other,
But doom ourselves to ruin."
Nice stanza, but ruin isn't the best rhyme with soon. Also, I don't understand the second line. But none of that comes soon? I don't understand.
"Now our world lays crippled,
Our hands have crushed its spine,
Mortality rate has tripled,
Farewell, poor world of mine."
First it's our world and then it's mine. I realize that mine is the rhyming word but maybe have the first one be, "And now my world lays crippled" y'know, actually, that doesn't sound so great. See what you think.
"That what we thought, was wrong," no need for the comma.
I noticed that some stanza's have the form A B C B, while others have the A B A B form. I'd say keep it consistent.
Anyway other than those things you did good. The more you write of these the better you get. And you've written a bunch of 'em.
Oh, so true, so true.
Quite a well-done poem, Greg. The beginning was powerful, so was the end. The middle lacked luster. It seemed you were reaching for some of the rhymes and the meter was interrupted some by over-long or over-short lines. I would either shorten it or smooth it out. I would say maybe take out one stanza--this would give it more flow. Right now there's a lot of separate ideas that might be connected more if there weren't so many. So I would say read it over and make sure that every stanza is one you want in there, if you can't part with just a few.
Good job! I like your new poems, very good =)
WoW !!! WoW !!!
Beautiful In Every Single Way !!!
Well Said My Friend !!!
Well Said !!!
I Aplaude You !!!
That Was Perfect !!!
WoW !!!
Bravo !!!
WoW !!!
That Was Just Marvelous !!!
I Am So Amazed !!!
WoW !!!
Hi all I dont like writing about myself so I will be brief. I am 16 and I live in Fallbrook Ca.
How much more brief can you get?
I have some songs I like on here:
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