That Evil Thing

New poem... About war, longest one to make yet.

So many lives were broken,

As if nothing mattered,

So many children stricken,

And many nations scattered.

 

Now all flee for shelter,

But none of that comes soon,

We kill to save each other,

But doom ourselves to ruin.

 

Now our world lays crippled,

Our hands have crushed its spine,

Mortality rate has tripled,

Farewell, poor world of mine.

 

Though our world is dying,

People will not see,

They just keep right on killing,

Repeating history.

 

Now we are on the brink,

They wonder why one lives,

Because all strove to think,

 That earth is all there is.

 

But no one understood,

They killed for their belief,

They killed because they could,

And the world is swept with grief.

 

Now some come to realize,

That what we thought, was wrong,

We were fools who thought it wise,

Though this thinking won't last long.

 

All throughout the ages,

People there have seen,

The evil war engages,

Then return to the obscene.

 

So we are therefore cursed,

Marching to our beat,

That forever evil deed,

Destined to repeat.

Author's Note

Help please!

Reviews

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

"Now all flee for shelter,
But none of that comes soon,
We kill to save each other,
But doom ourselves to ruin."
Nice stanza, but ruin isn't the best rhyme with soon. Also, I don't understand the second line. But none of that comes soon? I don't understand.
"Now our world lays crippled,
Our hands have crushed its spine,
Mortality rate has tripled,
Farewell, poor world of mine."
First it's our world and then it's mine. I realize that mine is the rhyming word but maybe have the first one be, "And now my world lays crippled" y'know, actually, that doesn't sound so great. See what you think.
"That what we thought, was wrong," no need for the comma.
I noticed that some stanza's have the form A B C B, while others have the A B A B form. I'd say keep it consistent.
Anyway other than those things you did good. The more you write of these the better you get. And you've written a bunch of 'em.

[vampireprincess]

I LOVED IT. It actually spoke to me in a deep way. Your poems are awesome

[Jade (insanity)]

I enjoyed this piece! Great imagery (I don't think I spelled that right) and a very true point. I pictured war and maybe people's theory of 2012. But it could also relate to life.
Great job,
Jade

[Kelsey Desmond]

There's a lot of emotion I can tell is coming out of this poem. And I like that. The only thing I would say is that the point is clear, but not the reason or scenario. Do you understand what I mean? It's like the idea that you want to show is clear, but what is happening to the character (all stories need characters even if some are understood and not spoken; characters are what makes the writing have a purpose) at the moment of the poem. And the reason you want to tell people what this idea (or point) is about or how important it is (so important that you would actually want to tell people,) is unclear. (Read through that last sentence. Tried to fix it. Might still be confusing.) And the way you do this is not by cutting and pasting 'The reason is.....The scene is...." onto the outline, its by implying in the piece so that the reader understands, but is not told directly. It is actually very hard to do, and I am still trying to master it myself. It is a skill learned over time by finding new techniques and trying to work those techniques into ideas.

Other than that, I loved the poem. I really could tell how hard you work on it (or at least the emotion that came out of it) easily, which is good in a piece of writing. It shows that the reader understand the author's point of view in writing this.) Very well done.

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

Congrats a second time on your great winning poem!

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

You don't need any help with this piece. So well done! Thanks for entering my contest although you have already one a prize with this one. Good entry

[Katrina Cora (K-C)]

You might want to change the title. Lalallalalalalalalalalalala, I'm on writers cafe FINALY!!!!!! Heehee, Im hiper right now. :) :)

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

Congrats on your winning poem!

[Jimmy Greenie]

This is not good. Not the poem, the message. I totally agree with this poem's overall message. It seems, however, that there are people in the world who simply can't live without terrible devastation and loss of lives by the thousand.

[Phenomena]

powerfully expressed and strongly written!!! great job!!!

[XxToxicAngelxX]

Your writing is very strong. What you say is all true. I just hope that the world itsself can see it. Great job!