Hold Me Back

Ok another poem, hope its ok, I just wrote it and need help for any edits, thanks.

You steal my moment,

You hold me back,

You confine my body,

You show I lack.

 

When I try to sing,

You just talk,

When I try to run,

You just walk.

 

You don't care,

You don't see,

You won't help,

You hate me.

 

When I'm gone,

You will see,

What I mean,

Death to thee.

 

Now you plead?

You think I should,

Save you now?

As if I would.

Author's Note

Help with anything, be critical.

Reviews

[Scott Free]

This was a good, very intriguing poem. It seems like you're speaking to something inside yourself.
I only had one little criticism;
"Now you plead,
You think I should,
Save you now,
As if I would."
You could perhaps put question marks on the first and third lines...this might slow the stanza down and would make a good ending of it.
Now you plead?
You think I should,
Save you now?
As if I would.
Just a suggestion. Sorry if I wasn't very critical.

~S

[Kristena]

T.T its so sad...

[Mistaken]

This poem was really good! The last line of the last stanza i get but it can be a little blatant at times. overall an amazing poem:)

[KisuKimmi]

Ooooo....I like this...you are a very good writer cousin of mine ^_^

[Hello Kitty]

Wow G! You are doing REALLY GOOD at writing your poems! You put so much feeling in to each one! I have heard you say before that one stansa comes into your head, and so you start writing it, and then you get the rest of it; I was wondering which one came first for this one...? Was is:

When I try to sing,
You just talk,
When I try to run,
You just walk.

I think that you did an EXCELLENT job, and I also think that you should keep writing poetry, get them copyrighted, and then make a book of your poems! Even though I know that being a poet is not the only thing you will do with your life, you deffinatly should at least do it on the side! You are too good at it to stop now! GO GREG!

Keep it up!
~Eli

[Mark]

Kind of reminds me of a line from "Fathers and Sons" a song by Cat Stevens (Yusuf):
"From the moment I could talk, I was told I should listen..."
Another fine effort. I think the brevity of the lines carries forth your anger effectively, though the long "e" is too prevalent. You might wish to try breaking up the iambic dimeter* with a different beat on occasion, just to keep the reader interested. Take care not to fall too strongly into the negative, though.

[Shanna (Renae)]

It's a little confusing. I'm not at all sure what you're talking about, but maybe you meant it that way . . .

[Kelsey Desmond]

critical? dont think i can. this is really good.

well done! ^_^

enjoyed reading it. i like the analogies and metaphors!

--kels

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

Ok I'll be critical (evil twisted face). I like being critical.
Third stanza is a little awkward--
"You don't care,

You don't see,

You won't help,

You hate me."
The last line is a little short. But not too. I don't see how you could improve it without making it too long.
I'd either change the title or put it in the poem somewhere's. I'm a big fan of the title being in the poem.
Wow even if you don't think you're that good you sure are fast.
GJ, sorry I couldn't be critical.
If you really want criticism, you should try this site,
www.critiquecircle.com
It's awesome. And people there are very critical.

[Phenomena]

I liked the moral in this piece!!! Ok be critical... I'm probably good at that=] jk. Well the third to last line kinda ruins the flow since almost every line contains 3 syllables and that third to last line contained four. Otherwise... Awesome write!!!=D... again... lol=]