Your Final Breath

Hope you guys like it. I'm not great at poetry.

I can help you now,

Where no one can see,

What you have kept hidden,

The dark side of thee.

 

You're hiding in pits,

Behind rocks and walls,

But you cannot hide,

When I see it all.

 

You think you can run,

You think you'll be free,

You think to escape,

But that's not to be.

 

I have you now,

And you're screaming at me,

Ultimate suffering,

Eternally.

 

I've let you go,

You think you can leave,

You don't understand,

What it means to grieve.

 

You run from us, we know you are there,

Pray if you will and plead for swift death,

Escape us now and put an end to regret,

So you think, as you breathe final breath.

 

Author's Note

It is in a ABCB format just in case you were wondering. Hope it fits well.

Reviews

[Scott Free]

I think this is your best piece of work yet, Greg! I rather liked it.
It was engaging--a plus =)
It was just a bit vague...I'd like to see more of the person you (or the person, whoever) is talking to.
Also, this one little stanza was a messy-uppied;
"You try to hide in pits,
Behind rocks and walls,
But you cannot hide,
From me at all."
The last line=too short. Maybe 'But you cannot hide--| You cannot hide from me at all'.
Or another rhyming word. You don't want to make the reader think you're scrabbling for a word.
Other than that, good job!

~S

[Hello Kitty]

GOOD JOB GREGORY! You did very good at keeping to the meter and is a good length. I think that your wording was good, and I think that you are starting to become a very good poet!!

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

Wow two poems in, what, an hour? Duuude if you think you suck at poetry why do you persist? Well you're improving.
Cool. A little weird, but not too.
"Behind rocks and walls," Might be better suited with a third thing to hide behind, fot the sake of keeping it in form
"Behind rocks and trees and walls" IMHO would be a little better, don't you think?
"That you will not achieve." pehaps "That you'll not achieve." eh? what do you think?
I'd like you to clarify (Not nesecerily in the poem) who this is you're talking about.
Other than those edits this is fine. Keep up the good work. It'll only get better. I think.