♥ ►Without You◄ ♥

Hey guys, Hope you like it, any mistakes please tell be so that I can edit. Thanks for the reviews.

I wish you would listen,

I wish you would see,

Someone to fill,

The hole thats in me.

 

I need you to love,

I need you to live,

I need you to hear,

I need you my Dear.

 

Will you always be there?

Will you be there to share?

Will you feel my pain?

Will you keep me sane?

 

But no one has listened,

No one has cared,

No one has saved me,

No, no one is there.

 

Perhaps I'm just selfish,

Maybe that's true,

But I just cannot live,

If I'm without you.

 

Author's Note

Please help with any mistakes, I know there is a lot.

Reviews

[Ruby Moon]

"Will you always be there?
Will you be there to share?"

if it was me, i would put here instead of there...
as the word there feels like your dear is far away, not somewhere close (physically or in the heart)...
here would show that he/she is close by, able to share your feelings, your pain your burden

but then again that is just a nitpick ^-^;

[Scott Free]

This was really good. I agree with David--this is good.
I actually liked the way it was formatted, flowed well. Especially the ending. I liked this a lot--keep it up!

~S

P.S. I disagree adamantly that you suck at poetry. I think you've found your gift.

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

Hmmmm interesting (puts on critical face. jk)
"Will you share these days," IMHO sounds a little awkward. You could end it with a question mark.
"Will you share these days?" sounds a little better. Same with the rest of the lines.
"Will you be there always?
Will you share these days?
Will you feel my pain?
Will you keep me sane?"
See what you think.
I also noticed that the first, third, fourth and fifth stanza's end in periods. The second stanza ends in a comma. Keep it consistent. either all comma's or all sentence ender's (ei., periods, question marks, exclamation marks, etc.)
The meter is a little weird. First stanza--A A B B (A being the first rhyming sound and B being the second etc.), Second Stanza--A B C C, Third stanza--A A B B Fourth stanza--A B C C, Fifth Stanza--A B C D
A little strange. You may want to keep this consistent as well.
"Maybe that is it," could be changed to "Maybe that's it,"
Anyway, other than those things Gj. Even a few of those thing could be left as they are.

[17thWhitePrince]

WoW !!!
That Was Awesome !!!
I Mean, You Don't Need Help At All !!!
That Was Beautiful !!!
Why Didn't I Read This Earlier ???
It Was Perfect !!!
Just Wonderful !!!
Definately Gonna Be A Favorite Of Mine !!!