The taste of Betrayal

You can see how this one was inspired when you read it. Btw This is what I would imagine it would be like from his point of view, I'm not claiming it was like this.

      "But the hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table."

      Those words are still in my ears. I wonder. Am I him who will betray? After all he did say, 'You, Peter, will deny three times that you know me before the c**k crows today.' Am I the traitor? Will I know if I do it?

      These thoughts still ring in my mind as we walk with Him to the Mount. He asks us to be watchful. Of course we will. He goes about a stones throw away to pray. We are waiting patiently. Its getting colder. We are very tired. Perhaps a little sleep won't matter. We all sleep, forsaking the vigilance with which we were charged.

      Jesus returns and we are chastised, we know we were wrong. All that is forgotten in moments. Armed men burst through the trees and with them was the High Priest and Judas. For a moment I feel relieved, it is not I who has betrayed Him. Yet He is still betrayed. Judas stepped forward and with a kiss betrayed the Master. The men had come to take our Lord away. They would not. I ran forward and with my sword I cut the High Priests servant ear from him. I turned to take his head from his body, then my the Master stops me. He touches the servant and he is healed. I do not understand.

      My Lord goes with them. He allows them to take Him away, to Annas the father-in-law of the High priest. My Lord. What will happen? We all follow them, at a distance as they would be violent if we were closer. They take our Lord away in the building.

     I try to follow. A girl at the door asks if I am one of the disciples. If I said I was, the guard would certainly not let me pass. So I answered no. It was cold, and the servants and officials stood around a fire they had made to keep warm. I went forward and joined them, waiting for my Lord's return.

      A large guard walks up to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. His eyes carry a suspicious not I not carefully. He looks like he wants an excuse to kill me. He asks if I am a disciple of Jesus. I answer no. He walks off looking disappointed.

      The brother of the man whose ear I had cut of walked up to me. He was casually switching his sword from hand to hand. He examined me far a while, until I asked what he wanted. He thought he had seen me on the Mount with Jesus. I let out a small laugh and began to walk away. Then I had the sword between my shoulders, pressing hard. He demanded an answer. I looked around and noticed the sun was coming up. The rooster must have crowed since. I turned and denied my Lord once again. Then, the rooster crowed.

     I taste the bitter feel of my betrayal. I am as bad as Judas for I have denied my Lord three times before the c**k has crowed. I have failed Him. I must run. I can't afford to believe Him anymore. I could not face Him after this. I must get away.  My emotions rage but I will not go back.  Then I hear the news, the Master will be crucified.  He was betrayed, and not just by Judas.  Now I must shut my heart and close the eyes of my mind.  For everything I lived for is now forsaken.

Author's Note

Well I hope it turned out ok. I checked spellign and such and did what I could. Any grammar or spelling changes would be appreciated.

Reviews

[Hello Kitty]

Elementary story my dear Titan! I think that it is a very good story line, one which I do not believe I have heard before! I am sorry if I accidentally say something that seems like it should have had something before it, but I have already typed an entire review for this once, but them accidentally hit a shortcut key on the keyboard, and it sent me back a page, which made it erase my ENTIRE review! I can tell that you researched very deeply, and that you taken into consideration many details. I was very happy to see that you even included that the last person to ask if he was a follower, was actually the brother of the man who cut off his ear... most people do not know that... the only things that I would say that could be helped in it, would be that the sentences are generally short and choppy in this... If you combined them a little, and made them into compound or complex sentences, then maybe you would make it easier to read through... also, I think that the ending could use a little more help... another thing that would make it a little better would be if you a little about the passover. Where you said: `.'

"'You, Peter, will deny three times that you know me before the c**k crows today.'"


I think that that part and the one before it should be made into a scene at the last super... basically instead of making it his thoughts, maybe you should write it more in a nutritive format... Also, when you say that Judas is there, and betrays him, you make it seem 'kinda like he already pre-assumes that he knows who did it, or even if he didn't know, he doesn't seem very surprised..... I think that it would be better if you made it more like:

As he was reprimanding us, I saw Judas coming up the hill. There was a mob of Jewish leaders and guards with him! There was no question about it. Judas was the one to betray Jesus, and he was beginning to now at this very moment, with the worst act he could. Revealed that it was not I who would betrayed him, but hurt to think that Judas would do such a thing. Now, as a final sign, he stepped forward from the men following him, and kissed the master's cheek. This kiss, this retched, bitter kiss, was the kiss of a traitor. The final sign to show, who he was betraying. The anger boiled up inside of me. I could not contain myself. Quickly I lashed out with my sword and cut of the High Priest's servant's ear! Before I could do any more harm, the Lord and Master, Jesus, put a hand to the servant's ear and healed it. I was astonished at this act. How could Jesus heal one of those who were attempting to kill him!

Of course I am not saying that you do exactly that, but but a little more umpf into it... make it longer... longer stories are not that bad, as long as they are not too long... Also, what audience were you anticipating this for? Christians, or non-Christians? Because if it was for a non christian, then I think that it would be better to add more to the end, showing tat he would not die, and also show how he reacted when Jesus rose from the dead..... for a Christian Audience, it could have a different ending, but either way I think that it still needs a little more added on to the ending... =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D =) =D Oh! I just thought of a few more things. Even though it does not say in the bible that much about those who were asking him if he was a follower of the way (that is what they used to call Christians, the phrase Christian did not come into existence until at least a decade after Jesus ascended into heaven... ) I do not think it would be too much of a streatch to describe them a little more. You are already doing this very well, but I think that it would be good to do it a little more =) Oh, also, the short and choppyness of it, is I think because you are trying to make it sound more like a story poem, but I do not think that this one shoudl be a story poem. This is one that could make a very good story, which was 3-4 pages long... do not be afread of making it too long, even people like me who don't always read long things, will not mind it being a little longer, if it gives you the feeling of being there. You want us to get more attatched to what he is feeling, and see how dramatic everything in it is. I am sure that in rael life, he was very surprised! I am sure he was Extremely Terrified! DO NOT BE AFREAD TO SHOW IT! Make the reader feel it, and be sad for John! Again, EXCELLENT story! You did a wonderful job, and I am glad to see that some one came up with idea. There are so many differernt feelings that went on through different people, which do not change the message, but actually help reveal it, and show the actuality of this story... just a side comment, is that I think it would be interesting if some one made it from the view of the Pharisees. That would be a very long story though... (

[KisuKimmi]

Uhm....I think it might sound better if you had written it in past tense....like it is later on and he is telling what happened, but it is a good idea writing parts of the Bible how it would be from other peoples point of view, good idea =)

[Shanna (Renae)]

I like the way Peter seemed to be narrating from a distance. You showed how on that night, Peter was confused and terrified. It's like nothing is making sense to him. It's a very unique style. Refreshing! :)

[17thWhitePrince]

WoW !!!
Beautiful !!!
A Great Piece Indeed !!!

[Céce]

Such an honest, clear story. Beautiful, I love how you brought the story to life. It made me realize how much Peter has been through. When you start to think of the disciples as PEOPLE, just like me and you, with struggles and doubts and hurts and joys, then the Gospels really come to life.

Thank you, Greg, for sharing. You're getting better and better with each story. Keep writing the BEST that you can. :)

Your sis in Jesus,
Jane

[David]

Wow I love that you are not afraid to share your faith. I mean this story really brings out the feeling of being his desciple. Keep it up dude.

[Cherry Chapstick]

Yeah! I liked this a lot. It made me feel yet again very close to this story I know so well and have read so many times. I too wonder what it would be like in the shoes of the disciples when Jesus was betrayed, and the fact that you can publish a work like this and feel good about your testimony, even though in a small way, through this story. To me, who really cares about stupid grammar and spelling mistakes--this piece is different--it reflects your emotions and and for me to go through and take a fine-toothed comb to it kind of wrecks my whole reading of it. So all in all great work, loved the sensory details and vivid descriptions, along with, of course your boldness to share your faith on here. :D Great story!

[Kelsey Desmond]

Ok, I'm gonna write this as I go along and find things that need to be fixed or that I especially like, so don't be mad if it's too long! ^_^ :

--I assumed this is referring to the Bible. So, first thing's first. And the first is that (not that it matters, but it kinda bothers me a bit) Jesus said "You will deny me three times before the c**k crows twice." Or something very close to the stanza. He did not say how Peter would deny him, or the prepositional phrase "in the morning." Just a little heads up.

--"He allows them to take him away" I'm pretty sure you're supposed to capitalize"Him" since you are referring to God, or at least a PART of God.

Over all:

The story is a little short and you might want to think about combining some more sentences. Also, you might want to read through this section on what you are describing. It does sound great in first-person, though. I have just studied this in my own Church, and in past years, also, and I know it very well. So parts have a little longer description or time period in what you said, some parts short, and some parts the distant in which the characters stand--unimportant but off--is wrong. I think the idea is fabulous, but maybe trying to construct it a little better or trying to make it more historical in parts would make it even better of a story than it already is. Best way to do that, in your case, is to combine more sentences. And add a little sentence VARIETY.

And I'm not trying to sound rude here, because I have read other works of yours and they are great--I think you have talent as a writer. But this is not, to me, one of your better stories. It is still better than others I have read--maybe even by far. But my pet-peeve is probably getting facts wrong and such.

You did a better try than I could ever do at this story idea, and for that, I respect you. Enjoy writing and keep doing it.

-Kelsey

[Gregory Hill]

Ok guys, well fist I did try to make this as biblicaly correct as possible, main point being to give a sense of the reality of what this time would have been like for those people. Btw Peter did deny 3 times, first with the girl at the door, then the big guard, then the relative to the servant. Anyways, I believe I have what I can in here and of course you know this is not the ned. Jesus rose from the grave, which is why I put this story for easter. Afterwards Peter found believeing that Jesus had returned esspecially hard. I made this story so that maybe a few of you will understand the how why and feel of it. Thanks guys.

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

Hmmm, good! The second paragraph had one or two weird things in it.
"He goes about a stones throw away to pray." Is a stones throw a valid measurement? How far is it?
"We are waiting patiently. Its getting colder. We are very tired. Perhaps a little sleep won't matter." Four very short sentences. You can make them into two regular ones by changing the first and third periods to commas, it would read easier.
Third Paragraph...Okay so this seems biblically incorrect. Jesus chastized the disciples TWICE for falling asleep TWICE, am I right? And the the second sentence..."All that is forgotten in moments." This perhaps should be connected to the first sentence?
"I ran forward and with my sword I cut the High Priests servant ear from him." servant'S. you need an apostrophe and an"S" on the end.
"I turned to take his head from his body. Then my the Master stops me. He touches the servant and he is healed." Okay again, too many sentences--they're fragments. And you switch from past to present in here, as well as in other places.
Seventh Paragraph--"His eyes carry a suspicious not I not carefully" Huh? not I not carefully makes no sense.
Eighth paragraph; Again, I believe this is biblically incorrect. He said no THREE times before the rooster crowed, he only says it twice in the text.
"Then I had the sword between my shoulders, pressing hard." If you say this it makes me think the guy stabbed him in the back. Between the shoulder-blades. He'd be dead.
Yeah, I'd agree with Scott. More emotion at the end. It'd be better.
Other than these few things this is good.