Teaser (opening)

A sneak peak of the beginning of the first chapter.

George Moore slowly opens his eyes as a light cool breeze blows past him causing his long brown hair to flutter up and down. All he sees is a reddish-orange afternoon sky. He sits up and looks around. He is in a small wooden rowboat. In front of him is a tall slim girl with long beautiful blue hair that ends at her waist. She is wearing a small purple dress. She’s staring off into the afternoon sky.

“Why the hell am I in a rowboat?” he asks himself.

The girl with the long blue hair jumps when she hears his voice. She quickly turns around and stares at George. George’s face turns red when he sees her face. She is extremely beautiful. She has light green eyes and is wearing blue sapphire earrings. She gives George a heartwarming smile. He blushes even more.

“Thank God that you awake. I found you floating in the sea. That’s very dangerous. You could have been eaten by a Kiki.”

George’s eyebrow raises and says, “I was floating in the sea. What is a Kiki? Where am ...” He asks but stops when he looks over the side of the boat.

His eyes widen and his jaw drops. ‘Is this little rowboat floating in the air?’ was his first thought, but when his eyes adjusts he sees thousands of fishlike creatures swimming in the air Below them is a large of sphere of fire. George sticks his hand out of the boat and touches a cloud. The white air vapor swirls over his hand.

“Kikis are those creatures swimming in the ocean. They eat anything that looks dead. My name is Iris, it’s nice to meet you. I’m guessing you’re not from here.”

“No I’m not. I’m from California.”

Iris’s blue eyebrow raises and says, “What is California?”

“Don’t worry about it. Where are we going?”

“To my house. You been asleep for a day.” She responds smiling.

“So you’re single… I mean do you live alone?”

She looks him in the eyes and smiles again. She responds, “Yeah. I live alone. I don’t have any friends. So you’re my first friend.”

‘Wow, I don’t know what the hell I’m at, but at least I have a friend now. A really cute friend.’

“George we need the report by noon, don’t screw up again.” A man in a business suit says to George, grabbing his shoulder.

George jumps and looks at his shoulder but there is no one there. He looks around the boat and only sees that there is no one else on the boat. Iris gives George a worried look.

 

   

Reviews

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

I really like this concept, I want to see the best out of this. I think it could be a very good book and the topic is killer, Since I want this to be so good I want you to watch you dialogue, don't make it simple, and don't present things too fast, make it reel in, like catching a fish! This is going to be good! I have a story like this called Reflections, take a look you might get some ideas. Hit me with the best I'm counting on you

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Sure thing Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse. Thank you for great advice. I hope that I can make you proud. :)

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

I'm eagerly waiting for this -_- ohhhhhh. This is like waiting for KH3 lol

[❀Subaru_Nyaa!
..]

I think it is good but I also felt that it could be more descriptive on the descriptions and some portions where it starts to become a list. I am not the to talk since I do have a lot of mistakes in mine. You pretty nailed the tone and mood but the flow is a bit weird? Also, asking what the focused character taste,feel, smell, hear and see should be always considered (not all senses should be in every portion but it should have at least something that flesh out the description.)

This is my hit on a portion of the things written in your work.

He sits up and looked around, without thinking, he knows he is in a boat. The feeling of the rough wood made him wonder why he is in a boat. When some things finally sink in, he saw a slim tall girl with a beautiful waist length blue hair that stood out in the reddish-orange afternoon sky.

By fleshing out the description it will feel less of a list and turn into a good description of a character. Do not worry, I did not read your piece in order to punch it down. I wrote this review with an intention on helping you improve by telling you what my teacher once told me when I first started writing stories.

Have a good day.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thanks a bunch Subaru_Nyaa!

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

This is good constructive view.

[Eisho Shu]

Great start, this is looking really good. You sure are making a lot of teasers lately. The only point I have to make is the one sentence "What is California?" This make it sounds like California is a thing, and not a place. I would write it "Where is California?" or simply "California?" I am also look forwards to this one.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

It's like that because she doesn't know what California is. It's stupid humor.

[Eisho Shu]

Oh okay. I guess that one is just not my taste then.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

lol. I feel the same way.

[David Jae]

I like where this is going. It feels like the start of an anime. I like how you jump right into the story and bring your characters to life. Good job...

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thanks a lot David Jae. I'm glad you liked it.

[Érenn]

Ok good description ^^ Like what you have done with this one. I am guessing this one will be a third person narration. Which is fine. Have lately been reading a lot of first person narration so this might be a good way to break it. You have done justice to the teaser as in you have showed the main characters (at least two from the roster) Then the world in which George is now present on is also given some light. Iris herself has an air of mystery to her. The ending is a cliffhanger of sorts. I like how you have shook up George a little before ending the teaser makes the readers wonder what happened. ^^ And the biggest improvement is you have not unnecessarily summed up things and seemed no repetition at all Good job I like it ^^

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thanks. It's way different from my other writings huh. It's going to be gorgeous.

[Érenn]

Yeah looking forward to it ^^