Entering Hell

Through the Eyes of Mia Takahata in a Hellish World (part 1: Entering Hell)

 

            You (Mia Takahata) slowly open up your eyes. You blink your eyes several times as they strain to adjust to the light. As they slowly adjust, you realize that you are lying on a hardwood floor. The floor is cold and you can smell the sweet smell of pine mixed with the sour smell of the wood’s finish. You slowly turn your head to the right and see that there is a green door with a glass doorknob and a white porcelain toilet with a rosewood toilet seat. Then you look to the left and see rosewood sink with green marble counter, a mirror which is above the sink, and a white bathtub with a floral curtain around it. As you try to sit up, your body struggles to move. Your body is extremely stiff. When you fully sit up you notice that there is an irony taste in your mouth. But you ignore it. You blink and rub your temples.

‘Why am I in the bathroom?’ you think to yourself.

You jump a little as you feel something warm and wet lands on your right hand. Wide-eyed, you look down and see that there is a dark crimson drop on your hand. You blink. Another dark crimson drop land on your thigh.

“What the hell?” you whisper.

You quickly look up and see that there is an air vent above you. Blood is slowly dripping from the vents. You gulp and your heartbeat slightly speeds up. You reach out and grab onto the cold porcelain toilet bowl. You lift yourself up and groan as your legs crack when you stand up. The irony taste comes back in your mouth so you spit on the wood floor. It is blood. You shiver as you as chill runs through your body. You stumble over towards the green marble sink and then you turn the brass knob to the left. Water pours out of the golden faucet head. You grab a handful of the crystal clear water and slurp it up into your mouth. You swish it around your mouth and through your teeth. You spit out the water and see the bloody water swirl down into the drain. The iron taste is gone from your mouth. So your turn off the sink.    

  ‘Why was there blood in my mouth? I didn’t feel any cuts in my mouth. And I don’t taste blood anymore. Where the hell did the blood come from?’ you think to yourself.

You stare at the air vent for a while, and then you shake your head. Your eyes scan around the room. Something doesn’t seem right to you. You look up at the mirror and see that it’s badly cracked. The cracks are shaped as a spider’s web, meaning something had either punched it or flew into it. Through the shattered mirror you can see your reflection scattered throughout multiple shards of mirror. You are an older teenage girl who has long red hair that is badly messed up, light bluish-greenish eyes that look like beautiful ocean water. Your light beach sand colored face has a few dirt smears on it. You are wearing a light blue tank top and jean shorts.

You lean in closer towards the mirror and run your fingers through your hair, exposing your roots, which are light brown. You let out a sigh.

“Damn it. My hair dye is already coming out. I just dyed it on Tuesday, that was three days ago. I spent fifteen hundred yen on that dye. What a rip off.” you whisper to yourself in a disappointed tone.     

Something above you snarls and then scampers through the air vent. You can hear the things claws clicking on the metal air vent as it crawls away. You can see that the blood is no longer slowly dripping but pouring out of the vents, creating a pool of blood on the light brown floor. Your heart is pounding in your chest. You can feel sweat run down your face. You take in a large breath and then you slowly let it out, causing your heart to slow down a little.  Your eyes catch a glimpse of movement in the mirror. Your heartbeat increases. You look into the shattered mirror and see that there is a little girl standing behind you. She has light brown hair and brown eyes. She is wearing a black school uniform. You can feel goose bumps slowly start to form on your arms. The air around you becomes icy cold. You can see your breaths in white puffs. You close your eyes for ten seconds and then you slowly open them. The little girl is still there, but she is closer to you now. Large white vapors trail out of your mouth with every breath.

“It’s just a delusion. It’s just a delusion. She isn’t there. She can’t be here. She is just a delusion.” you whisper to yourself nervously.

You take in a big breath and then you blow it all out creating a huge vapor cloud. You gulp and quickly turn around. No one is there and the room is warm. There are no longer white puffs coming out of your mouth. Your body is violently shaking.

“What the f**k!? I hate having these damn delusions of her. I should have seen a psychiatrist. Why the hell didn’t I listen mom? I’m mentally unstable. I’ve been like this since two years ago, ever since that happened. I don’t even know how I got here. The last thing that i remember is watching the meteor shower from the backyard. But now I don’t know what the hell is happening right now. There is blood gushing out of the air vent, there might have been a monster crawling in the air vent, and i think I’m about to have a heart attack. I’m too mentally unstable to handle this s**t.” You say out loud.

You sit down onto the hardwood floor with your back against the sink. You bring your knees to your chest and hug them. You take in several large breaths and slowly let them out, slowing down your heartbeat. Your eyes scan around the bathroom.

‘Why does she always appear when I’m all alone? I don’t know how much longer i can handle this. She is eating away at my soul. Watashi wa chodo shintaidesu. (I just want to die)’ you think to yourself.

You slowly get up to your feet and you feel that your heart rate is back to normal. But you feel uneasy. You have that feeling as if someone is watching you. You look at the green door. The door seems to be luring you towards it. Without thinking, you slowly walk towards it. The floorboards creak and whine under your feet as if they don’t want you to go to the green door.

‘I have to leave this room to see what the hell is happening. But why does this seem like the safest place to be. Is there someone or something outside waiting to get me? On the other hand, i don’t really want to be in here with the bleeding air vent.’ you cautiously think.

You slowly reach out for the glass doorknob, but you immediately freeze. You can hear someone running down the hallway, heading towards the bathroom. You jump back as the person slams into the door, causing it to bow out towards for a second. You slowly start backing away from the door. The glass doorknob begins to violently turn back and forth, but you can see that the door is locked. Then there is a loud thud against the door, making you jump again but this time you trip over the toilet and you fall down on your back.

“Hey, is there someone in there?! Hurry up and open the goddamn door before it gets me!” a man yells at you with a panicked voice.

You blink a couple of times and start to get up slowly. Your heart is hammering in your chest. Your body is trembling with fright and adrenaline. The closer you get the door the more your breath quickens. You freeze from fear as you hear a monstrous roar from down the hallway. The man outside the bathroom groans and he starts violently pounding on the door.

“OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR RIGHT NOW. I DON’T WANT TO F*****G DIE!!!!” the man yells on the verge of crying.

Your body is violently shaking and sweat runs down your face. There is another monstrous roar, but this time is was closer. The man screams as you hear something large run towards the bathroom. There is a loud thud and you hear a liquidly crunch. You hear a loud splat noise that sounded like a large water balloon busted on the wood floor. A very large pool of dark crimson blood flows under the door. Your heart is pounding so hard that the room is getting darker and darker. You can hear the sound of ripping flesh and the crunching of bones.

“Holy s**t. Holy s**t. Holy s**t.” You whisper to yourself over and over.

You frantically look around the room searching for a place to escape. You look towards the shower and see that there is a window above it. It seems large enough for you to fit through it. You look back towards the door and then back towards the shower’s window. You make a dash towards the window, but you end up slipping on the pool of blood that had formed from the air vent. You slide through the pool of blood and you crash into the rosewood sink with great force. There is a loud thud as you head hits the sink. You quickly look towards the door and you hear a low but deep growl from the other side of the door. You can see a shadow shift around under the door. There is a huge bang against the door, causing the door to crack. The hair on the back of your neck stands up when you hear the thing start sniffing through the door crack. Your lungs burn from your rapid breathing.

            “Mia are you in there? Please let me in Ane-san (Older sister). It’s scary out here.” A young female voice asks you from the other side of the door.

            Your eyes widen and your heart sinks. You know that voice.

            ‘Taeko, that’s Taeko’s voice. I know that for sure. But, that’s impossible, Taeko died when I was sixteen, two years ago.’

            Your vision starts to become blurry as you begin to tear up. You a warm tear run down your face. You start to walk over to the door. You feel like you’re being sucked in towards the door. You reach out to the glass doorknob and you unlock the door. You feel hypnotized, not even noticing that you’re standing in a pool of someone’s blood. You slowly open the door, centimeter by centimeter, until it is wide open. There standing in the hallway, is the same girl who you saw in the mirror. But something is different about her, something about her presence. She doesn’t feel like the delusion you had seen earlier. She seems to be real. Through your peripherals, you can see a severed man’s arm. You can see the pale bone poking out of the mangled forearm. The strange thing is that you don’t seem to care, you are fixated on Taeko. You feel like you are in a dream, that everything is just a thought up realm. Everything seems to fade away and the only thing that is there is Taeko, no bathroom, no hallway, no pool of blood, and no severed arm, there is only Taeko. You run up to her and you hug her tightly. Then you start to sob.

            “How are you here? I swear to god that you had died. Never ever leave me again Taeko, promise me that. I know that you are not that delusion I have every damn day. You’re real. You’re no delusion.” You tell her through your sobs.

            “The only reason that I am dead is because you killed me Ane-san. But you don’t have to worry about that anymore, because we can be together forever now. ”Taeko tells you in a calm voice.

            You quickly let go of her and slowly back away from her. The trance like feeling you had shatters. The sensation of fear floods your body. You start to notice everything around, the blood, the severed arm, your dead sister that is standing before you.

            “I-I didn’t kill you. That was an accident. I never wanted you to die. It’s not my fault Taeko.” You quickly say to her, as your body starts to shake again.

Taeko looks up at you and smiles. Her face oddly twitches. There is a muffled snapping noise, at first you don’t know where it came from, but you finally realize that it was her skull cracking in half as her face starts to pull away from each other. Her flesh begins to pull apart creating a sickening ripping sound. As the flesh rips apart, blood gushes out of the tear. Then her face completely tears in half vertically exposing her skull, her jaw, her tongue, her eyeballs, and her brain. Your stomach turns and you gag. Taeko’s right arm snaps in half exposing muscle tissue and bone. Then a large pale tentacle comes out of the wound. Blood gushing out of the wound and all over the pale tentacle.

            You quickly turn around and you start to run towards the shower. You can hear your feet splash through the large pool of blood. Behind you, you can hear the thing that was Taeko roar and chase after you. You heart is beating against your chest so hard that your vision pulsates with every heartbeat.  As you jump over the bathtub, pain shoots through your body as it’s pale tentacle rips through your left side. You can feel your warm blood run down your leg. You wince at the pain. You punch the window with all your might, breaking the window into many jagged shards. You jump up and squeeze your top half through the window, but your shorts get caught on a large shard of glass. So you violently thrust yourself forward and you slide through the window. You fall down on a grass lawn. You yell out in pain when you feel something stab you in the hip. You look down at your hip and see a glass shard sticking out of you. You put your hand in your mouth and bite down as you pull out the glass shard. You scream out, but the sound is muffled by your hand. You throw down the jagged blood stained glass shard on the grass. You stand up and look towards the window. There is a quick pale blur that flys towards you. You blink and step back a couple of steps. Nothing is there. You blink again and everything starts to spin. You start swaying back and forth. Then you feel a sudden sharp pain in your chest. You look down and see your light blue shirt is getting darker. You can feel your blood run down your stomach.

            “What the hell happened?” You ask yourself.

            Through the spinning world, you can see that the Tokyo tower is on fire, and the buildings around it are partially destroyed. The sky is reddish orange and is filled with smoke. Your nose burns from the scent of ash. You can see that the lawn is completely dead and there are broken down cars scattered throughout the street. You stumble around the front lawn for a while until you feel a warm liquid filling up your mouth. It has a strong iron taste. You start choking and you cough up blood. You fall down to your knees on the dry dead grass and spit up more blood.  You can feel your heart start to slow down. You look around and notice that there are dead bodies and body parts scattered throughout the street. Every time you breath in , your mouth fills up with blood, causing you to vomit out blood. Everything around you gets darker and darker.

            “Holy s**t I think I’m dying.” You whisper to yourself.

            You vomit out more blood. Your body is slowly getting colder and colder. You flip yourself onto your back and stare into the afternoon sky. The sun is slowly setting. You blink a couple of times, and then cough up blood. Your vision is slowly becoming black. As you let out a gurgling breath, you notice that it creates a white puff of air. You feel you cold body form goose bumps. Standing next to you is Taeko; she is holding her hand out to you. She has a sad look to her face. She mouths three syllables, but you don’t hear anything. You let a couple more white air puffs before you cough up more blood. You see Taeko look behind her and looks back at you. She looks happy; she mouths five silent syllables and starts waving her arms frantically in the air. You blink and she is gone. As you are about to blackout, you see a man shaped figure running towards you. Then everything turns black.

To be continued.

                       

 

   

 

Author's Note

Hope you guys enjoy this.

Reviews

[Meeks]

I've studied horror stories a while back, and now that I read this story it starts coming back to me. Hmm, here's some critique.

Most of this sounds like one of those old, cheesy godzilla movies with ketchup-ladden plastic body parts everywhere. Why? Hmm, Ctrl-F this page and check how many times you put the word 'blood' in there. Yes. Way too many.
An age-old horror writing adage: limit the guts and gore, will ya?

Another problem, too much action. Like, either the person gets hurt or sees and new 'terror' pop up every paragraph. Usually both. But horror is really so much more than stuff popping up and waves of blood drowning the scene, horror is primarily a psychological mind game. Psychology, not blood, takes the cake. Well, sometimes blood helps.
Ever heard of this thing called the 'Uncanny Valley'? It's basically how you make everything that's horrifying actually horrifying. Look up a graph, you'll get what I'm talking about.
So we start at the fully human stage and go backwards into the valley by taking away features that make it human and by subtly changing things until you're absolutely sure that you don't want that thing in your bedroom at night. And then you have something 'horrifying'.
You can do that with scenes too. Make it slightly not normal, and you'll get the nervous tension called 'paranoia' that made the horror genre famous.

Also, second person doesn't work. Nobody uses it and when I read I see 'YOU did blah blah blah blah YOU, and blah blah blah YOU blah blah...."
No, it doesn't make me identify more, but probably less.

I guess it doesn't really pertain when you don't have any non-action parts. But as a pacing rule of thumb, makes sentences shorter whenever there's action, and longer whenever your expecting action (or horriffied).

To be truthful, I skimmed over some of the paragraphs, reading only the first sentence or two. The problem is I pretty much understood everything that was going on. That may be a sign that you're putting too much effort into this.

Also, this is not just for 'mature's. Not in this era; there's only blood everywhere after all.

You use 'you' too much, and then 'she' too much as well. I actually have a lesson on overusing 'I' (same concept) in my stuff, if you wanna take a look at that so I don't have to explain it.

Overall, considerable. Not terrified at all after reading, but you can work on that. I actually did enjoy your style, the way you piece your words together, and you could actually get somewhere with this whole horror thing. Excited to see what you come up with after that, send RR's!
But not too many. I'm clogged already.

Good luck, and don't edit this. Write another chapter!

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thank you Meeks for your review. I'm glad that your the first "Bad" review I got. It makes me happy that someone thinks I can improve on my skills. The only reason that i am writing in second person view is that i am trying to capture people's fear. In further chapters, I will be adding almost ever type of fear that people can have. This chapter was the fear of blood and gore that I was trying to achieve. The other chapters will have the the fear of the dark, the fear of dying, the fear of all sorts of animals, the fear of being betrayed, and etc. I believe that the only way to bring up that sense of fear is to put the reader in the main characters pov. Because the reader only knows what the main character knows, very little. Originally this story was going to be in Third person view, but I decided to write in Second.

Lastly, the only reason that this chapter is very "action packed" is that this is the first part, the conflict section. It's hella long, i agree with that, but it's only like that for this chapter and possibly the conclusion. In the other chapters it will be less action and more suspense.

Thank you for your review and hopefully you read on and give reviews on my other chapters. Thank you for your time. :)

[Napoleon has returned]

Real good, except The amount of paragrpah spacing dizzys me. Try less dailougue to. nice work.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thank you. I thought so too. I'll fix it up

[unspokenpain]

I like the way you set up the scene. It was easy to read and you gave a lot of helping points. I'll definitely read part 2. The critique I have is when someone is thinking remove the ' and saying "you think...". I recently learned this and actually removed them from the book of mine you read earlier. When it's italicized people see it's what their thinking and. but good job

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thank you for your review. The only reason I have put those is because there are people in different countries reading these and I don't know how the translate too.

[unspokenpain]

ahhh ok well it was a good write!

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thank you. I am glad that you read it. :)

[Richard Patrick]

Fantastic. The story has a lot of horror going for it. Gore is not fear, if all it is. Is blood, than what do we have to fear. You have a vivid imagination.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thank you for your time.

[ShannonMMetcalf]

Okay, I finished the story and from what I've read it was f*****g AWESOME! I loved the skull and face ripping and the bones being exposed... UGH! It's my forte! IT'S JUST MY FORTE!!! Like I said before, be careful with the redundancy. You repeated words a lot, and that's okay because proofreading will cure that. Like look at this paragraph:

Instead of: "Your vision starts to become blurry as you begin to tear up. You a warm tear run down your face." You could say: "Your vision starts to become blurry as you begin to tear up. You can feel the warmth from it as it runs down your face."

"You start to walk over to the door. You feel like you're being sucked in towards the door. You reach out to the glass doorknob and you unlock the door." Say: "You start to walk over to the door, as if something was drawing you closer. Some sort of feeling, or force felt as if it were emanating from the other side of the wood. As you reach out towards the doorknob (Since you already said it was glass), you turn it slowly until a feint click sounds, echoing throughout the room."

One last sentence: "Through your peripherals, you can see a severed man's arm. you can see the pale bone poking out of the mangled forearm." You can say: "Through your peripherals, you can see a man's severed arm. Sickeningly, his bone had been poking out of the mangled flesh from which it used to call home."

I'm just tossing some ideas into the mix, maybe give you a set of fresh eyes? None of this is meant to be negative. I just want to give you as much criticism as I can without sounding like a jerk. I hope this helps, and good job! :)

[Tsubaki Kuro]

No, no this is perfect criticism. Thanks for that, cause I tend to repeat words without noticing it. I'm glad that you love the gore in it. I have a feeling that your really going to enjoy the third chapter.

[ShannonMMetcalf]

:DD . I look forward to it! :) . I'm thinking of starting a new FanFiction today; not sure yet though.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

What about.

[ShannonMMetcalf]

It's already up on all the groups I'm in, including Rated Rare. Just an F.Y.I. it's a Walking Dead FanFiction. :)

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Cool. Sounds interesting.

[ShannonMMetcalf]

I have to go for now, but I'm bookmarking this page so I can read the rest. From what I have seen so far, it's very dark so I'm incredibly attracted to it! One piece of constructive criticism so far is to not be redundant. You seem to repeat some words in the beginning like: "Blood dripping from the vents." You can say: "the crimson liquid still seems to be seeping out of the openings." Just keep this in mind, other than that, it was good. I'll finish it later! :)

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thanks for the quick review. I'll fix it when I have time.

[ShannonMMetcalf]

You're welcome! I'm gonna try and finish it now. :)

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thanks, Hope you enjoy it.

[Redwarrior123]

I liked it a lot. Enjoyed the first person view of the story/chapter.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

I'm glad that you liked it.

[Eisho Shu]

Like how you make this more of a interacting novel. Well, not really but it does give a refreshing feeling when reading this. This give me the immersive horror that some horror now does not have anymore. However, I do feel like this escalated a little fast. It is one thing after another, it is exciting but a little stressful read. Well, at least for me it is. This is a good horror and well written.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thank you Eisho Shu for your review.

[Shadow1142]

Very dark but pretty good

[Tsubaki Kuro]

thanks shawdow1142

[Érenn]

This would make a great light novel if you continue writing it. Holy sh*t it was that good!! Loved the way you created all the images. I have and am now reviewing this at 2:20 AM in the night. I am so awesome to have chosen such an amazing time to read this. (yeah it's sarcasm). The only plus point being I think i will survive this night since I am a nocturnal being. Looking forward to the next part ^^

[Tsubaki Kuro]

Thanks a bunch Errenn