Possibilities

A story about quiet desperation.

Neo kept a razor in her bag at all times. It served as an incentive, something to urge her forward, to change her life.

As she sat her counter her long sleeved shirt on under her store uniform she watched him weave through the shelves on the way to the food section. It was around twelve and one of many peak times so she’d often lose him among the crowds.

“Are you going to say something to him?” Game, her best friend who worked till 12 asked her.

Neo lowered her head, “Of course,” she said in a small voice.

“Of course she won’t,” Gladys laughed as she approached Neo’s counter.

Gladys was typical of most of the girls who worked at the store. She was thick and flirty, which meant she was extremely popular. Not like the slim, shy Neo who hadn’t had a date in close to a year. She rubbed her arms through her sleeves. With all her fresh scars she wondered if any man would bother with her.

“Hey don’t listen to her,” Game said, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder.

Gladys laughed derisively, “Yeah let’s all cheer on the mute.”

“Hey, get back to work,” the manager said sternly, walking over to them. His dreads hung down to the shoulders of his blue store jacket.

“Yes sir,” Neo and Gladys said in concert as they left.

The manager didn’t even spare a glance for Neo, which didn’t surprise her. The men in the store barely looked at her. The customer she was watching came back from the food section, his suit jacket unbuttoned to show a pink shirt, and carrying an ice tea and a pie. Every day during the working week the same customer picked out the same exact things, even the time he’d come to the store was consistent.

“Hi. Can you ring these up for me?” he asked coming to Neo’s counter and flashing her a smile.

He was of medium height with a cleanly shaven head, but it was his crooked teeth that caught her eye. They were a small flaw in an otherwise perfect face.

“Yeah,” she said, shaking her thoughts loose.

She rang the items up quickly, and considered making a joke about how she could set her watch by his movements, but when she looked up to speak she noticed that he was staring at Gladys who had walked up to a nearby till, and pretended to be busy talking to Kgomotso who was playing along but Neo saw the side glances Gladys was throwing her customer. Neo saw him give Gladys a once over and her heart sank.

“That will be P24.90,” she said.

“Oh right,” he said. He reached into his wallet, and pulled out two twenties, “add a plastic to that please.”

She quietly reached under her counter and pulled out a plastic and packed his items. When she was done she handed over his change and his purchases.

“Thanks,” he said.

She nodded mutely, and he seemed to pause as he was about to turn but then thought better of it and left.

Neo in his absence took the razor from her bag and rolled up her sleeve. She’d failed again. Her arm shone white under the little lights on the underside of the counter and she set the razor above a scar near the crook of her arm.

“Excuse me,” a voice said.

Neo’s eyes flew wide and the razor instead of cutting safely into her flesh went up and cut deeply into her wrist. Stifling a cry of pain she dropped it and clamped her other hand on the wound. She looked up and tried to appear normal. Her customer was back.

“Yes?” she said.

“Listen I’ve been coming here while, trying to work up the courage to say something,” he said.

Neo’s eyes were watering, but she held back the tears.

“What?” she asked.

“I wondered if when you guys close I can pick you up. Maybe I can take you home and we can talk on the way,” he said.

“What about..?” she indicated Gladys with her head.

The man looked in the direction she was indicating and saw Gladys who had returned to her own till. He shook his head.

“Oh her. I’ve seen her around, but she’s not really my type. So, what do you think? Can I pick you up?” he asked.

“I get off at ten,” Neo said.

“Great, then I’ll be here at nine fifty eight,” he said, flashing another smile on his way out.

Neo was quivering with joy. Something had finally changed and as she tried to stand so she could go tell Game she reeled with dizziness. She fell to her chair and realized as she looked down at her bleeding wrist that a lot of blood was coming out. She glanced in every direction, and thought about how to alert someone. Although how was she going to explain her scars or the razor. Luckily the other tills were fielding the customers which kept her free. Maybe she could escape to the staff area in the back, but then what?

She sat there considering all the possibilities until her body demanded she lay her head down. That’s how she was found by a customer, slumped over her counter and unmoving with no one to notice the blood pooling at her feet.