Please Stay

I am always afraid that I am screwing things up when it comes to starting a relationship. This writing is a literal translation of all of my constant thoughts when I am starting something new.

Please Stay

I've traveled out on limbs

Just to get my heart broke again

I try so desperately

But I can't seem to win

Some might say I try too hard

That's why I keep creating more scars

Chasing after hope that’s always too far

Digging too fast too quick

Holding onto a tiny prayer

That it will all just stick

That one day I might find a way

That she won’t be scared away

By all the things I feel the need to say

Jumping in too deep

Falling fast but never falling free

Like I am begging and pleading

For someone to give me the love I've been needing

Maybe I will never find the one

Who doesn’t feel the need to run

Who hasn't alright found her love

Who will give me the pieces I need

To make me feel complete

But it wouldn’t be like me

To just let it be

And let something bloom wild and free

I have to rush it

So much that I crush it

So f**k this

I want it but don’t need it

I won’t live my life feeling defeated

Broke down and screaming

From another misleading feeling

Deep inside where nobody can stop the bleeding

This meeting

Of your heart and mine I tried to force it

Now she's leaving

Why does it always come down to this

How can a man exist in a condition such as this

How can I stop myself from ruining this

Like every other one I've come across

It's like I try to steal the ball and just get crossed

Watching someone else score the winning point

This ain’t a game, it's a war, what am I fighting for?

F**k this s**t I quit

I don't need some stupid w***e

Why do I try to open that door

Leave it closed, everyone knows

How my story always goes

Each chapter the same

Always myself to blame

Forget it I can't do it

Over and over I've proved it

So why do you keep trying, I'm asked

because I never know when this one could be my last

heartbreak, mistake, another casualty to my haste

Or maybe.....maybe it will finally be that great day

That day that will make me say

It was all worth it

All the hurting, all the wasted flirting,

All the trying too hard and getting deserted

Led to that person

The one I've been searching

Praying for and yearning

Maybe one day I'll reach that great day

Until then I'll just exist in this state of gray

Waiting...waiting for someone to say

I love you......please stay.

Author's Note

This is my first posting on this site and the first piece I have written in nearly a decade. I don't write all the time. Please let me know what you think.
I wrote this when I started what I hope will be the beginning of something incredible. But it is complicated. Far more so than any other relationship I have ever pursued. The girl who inspired this has no idea that I feel this way. I have never had a ton of luck in relationships and every time I have had a chance with someone, I’ve screwed it up by over thinking it or being afraid that I will lose my chance, so I try too hard and move things too fast. I have been burned because I took too long to make my move on more than one occasion and that has led me to try and force things, always leading to a disaster and me pushing the person away. This piece is about all of the things I feel in starting a new relationship, pursuing someone new, or when I am just in between people. I am starting something new right now and I have no idea how it will work out but I am terrified that I am going to screw it up again, if I haven’t already. Even after I talk to her for 3 hours on the phone and it is pleasant from start to finish, when I hang up I start wondering if it was too much and I am starting to push her away. I hope to God that I am not doing it again, but I fear I won’t know if I am until it is too late.
This piece started off as a song, then turned into a poem, and ultimately I just poured everything in my head out on to this paper. I have never quite drained my thoughts the way I did with this and I hope that it is well received. It was never meant for public viewing but now that it is out I wanted to post it and see how others respond to it.