Bleeding

Rippling strength flows
Pouring from his bleeding heart
Blood drips from merciless blows
As he loses his sacred part

His life, his ruby river
Mixing with dripping drops of tears
Combines to form a shiver
As he struggles past sadness to peer

His feather pen dips deep
Into his blood horn of bleeding ink
He writes one last thing to keep
So he can die with hope and sink.

His last breath blows through him
His pen writes the words he seeks
The words appear as his eyes dim
"I love you still" with his last peek.

Reviews

[Taja B.]

I really like this poem. This is sorta like something I wrote last august, but this poem is so much better than the poem I wrote then!!!lol...Well I thought this was a very nice poem and I could definitely relate to it in real life because I was going through the same situation for months!!! And I think I'm sorta going through that situation right now!!lol...
Nice poem!!!

[Brianna Brie]

This poem has that extra something special. My heart bleeds after reading it.

[Creepy Swine Guy]

Disclaimer - I don't like critiquing poetry because someone pours their heart and soul into writing something that just sings to them. Then they show it to me, and because I don't have the same emotional triggers or life experiences, I don't feel what they feel. I look at their creation like a surgeon looks at a patient. It's not the little boy with bright eyes who loves cherry icees, it's a body that has a malfuntioning spleen. I don't know your poem or what brought it to life on your page. I only know what sounds right to my ears. So please ... take my crit with that grain of salt.

While the imagery is very vivid, It felt as though the effort to provide this imagry took a little bit from the meter. That didin't make it a bad poem. I just think sometimes less is more.

This doesn't change the fact that you obviously put a lot of effort into this poem and it DOES paint a very clear picture of the tradgedy of unrequited love.

[Courtney]

WOW. This poem is well written and very descriptive. It gives me a very vivid picture in my head, good job!

[IMOGEAN]

An interesting mix of words, that you have put together here. Tragically, beautiful.

[Bubo]

His life, his ruby river
Mixing with dripping drops of tears
Combines to form a shiver
As he struggles past sadness to peer

A deep sadness reading this, the depth of emotion, mingling loss of life and loss of love..........his ruby river........
We all bleed, don't we. Sometimes internally and others so red it covers pages............

Into his blood horn of bleeding ink

The imagary is very clear and I was never one to care about punctuation.........its the words, that all I see.

[Chase Alexander]

Astounding. A strong storyline that carries on well from beginning to end. Very emotional, good imagery, a good rhyme scheme/stayed away from cliches, a good consistency in rhythm, and very powerful.

Provided for a very good (3) reads.

-Chase Alexander

[Aaron]

Sorry about not reviewing for you lately... I've been tied up with The FireFrost Chronicles. BUT... I poked my head out for a brief second to commend you on the new work.

To be honest with you, I'm not one to write much about love.... well, not in the traditional happy ending sorta way... of course you know that don't you? LOL As such, I have to say that this is a nice piece with wonderful layers that reach to remarkable depths. It looks like you've been improving quite a bit in my absence... hmmmmmmmmm... maybe I should just stay out of your way from now on!! LOL

peace brother
aaron

[Jem]

oh my gosh!
the end just made me want to cryyyy (im such a sucker for sad things haha)
its beautiful, i love your imagery of the red throughout, and the parallels of fluid running down, creates a very miserable eerie feel :P

[Luke Brooks]

Rippling strength flows
Pouring from his bleeding heart
Blood drips from merciless blows
As he loses his sacred part

By far the best stanza.

A few times the rhymes seemed a little foeced but the creativity of the rhymes made up for it.
Good job on this.
I enjoyed it.

[[untitled]]

Great job! The wording is powerful and easy to picture. On the whole... two thumbs up pal!