Orbit

Seated on my blue planet
Looking to the golden moon
Cruel that we cannot touch
Earth, moon, separate

As the moon you circle
Shining smiles on my crust
As the earth I spin
Turbulent tides stirring

Your surface is cratered
From the grief of our split
Scars remaining forever
No balm that can heal

My surface is covered
With souls who don't understand
What we had together
And what we have now have alone.

A cloud is forming
From the tears I have shed
They will shower again and again
Until we clash and unite

Lightning will flash
Thunder will roar
Until we meet in explosion
In happiness to soar.

Revolving continously
A harmonious orbit
Tossing up waves
In the blue and boisterous

You are my moon
Circling my thoughts
Making an ocean storm
Big tides in my heart

My happiness often fades
Deepest of stark shadow
You see the bright side
Sun's peak shining

Never quit orbitting,
Or black will consume me
Don't stop circling,
Or my water will sit, stagnate

Here on my earth
A cloud is forming
To shower down tears
Since you must orbit, distant

Right now we cannot touch
For fear of fire
But soon that'll change
With a little time, age

Till' then my tears
Will grow good fruit
We'll be better people
If we orbit for now

So keep flying in space
It's better that way
Save the crying for now
And the landing for later.

Still I need you with me
And your needing me
Without eachother we'll fly off
No gravity, in space

Just revel in the orbit
Circling each other now
In time it'll all be over
And we can be one

Reviews

[L. L. Jacobson]

Tiger,
I am sort of surprised to read a poem of sorrow than one of Romantics.
I enjoy your writing either way, but I do love your beautiful poetry which is the pretty heart,
and to be honest about this poem, I liked the original poem more than the latest one, change of emotion, shifting, like an Andreas fault, crossing the event horizon of a black hole.
It's great that you connected science and physical science, astronomy, and cosmos with love; fate; to wait? Curiousity of hearts is the most exciting thing, but the loveliest of all is to have and bathe in the hold of your love.

[Gary H]

Can't make up my mind which I prefer. The first has a lot more mysticism, the second being much more an ode to love. Both have their merits and I have to agree with Shadow-fire Poet,
'if it's how you wanted it, then don't let us influence changes' Good stuff.

[Camoens, The Shadow-fir..]

Another intersting poem my friend, and this time, your rewrite took something away from this poem. Your bare bones method works well in haiku, but poetry you can lose feeling if you take too much away, I think that was the case this time. While I understood the revised one, I could feel, and appreciated the original one better.

While refering her to the moon is a good gesture of affecting eachother but never touching, you mention science fact in this poem, the moon effecting the tides, but if you do a little digging you find also that the moon is slowly drifting away from the earth slipping out of its orbit, so a hope of crashing and uniting is merely a dream. And that changed the meening of the last verse in the revised version.

I'd say my favorite verse is

Right now we cannot touch
For fear of fire
But soon that'll change
With a little time, age

You like in many of yours, emphisise that time is what you need. You Did a good job on this poem my friend, and of course, if its how you wanted it don't let me change what you feel is right. Good write.

Sincerly from the Darkness,
The Shadow-fire Poet

[Melissa M.]

I think I like the original better, though both versions are well written. In the revised version the line "And what we have now have alone" doesn't make sense to me. Maybe with added punctuation it would be clearer.

[David P. Eckert]

It's interesting to see the refined version juxtaposed with the original. I like Earth and Moon as metaphor for two lovers, broken apart, but still in each other's gravity, and destined perhaps to explode in great flashes of lightning and thunder if they ever re-merge. There's one line or word from the original that I like alot which I wish there was a way to bring it into the new version.

Tossing up waves
In the blue and boisterous

This is such a nice line, both in sound and description - too good to toss away. Alas, it may not be possible. Good work.

David

[Amy Widmer]

OH, I LOVE IT! This poem should be hung very high on Earth Day. Great work!

[Krystal Waters]

Love and the stars, moon! Your imagry was great in this story as you led the reader into worlds unknown. Your world with your love. Really sweet and nice.


Krystal

[Knij Nagili]

How you manage to connect love to astrology is amazing...

You're like some author that we study in our English class...

I fogot his name but all his works are about love, and he somehow relates it to things that you'd never thought possible...

[Maria G.]

Loved this have to agree with the comment below that was my fav stanza too.
Great imagery and yes the rewrite is much better.

[J.P. Bristow]

Your surface is cratered
From the grief of our split
Scars remaining forever
No balm that can heal ....................I loved this stanza. Take a sec to spell check though.....otherwise out of this world!!!!