Orbit

Orbit

A Poem by Benjamin L. Weekly

Seated on my blue planet
Looking to the golden moon
Cruel that we cannot touch
Earth, moon, separate

As the moon you circle
Shining smiles on my crust
As the earth I spin
Turbulent tides stirring

Your surface is cratered
From the grief of our split
Scars remaining forever
No balm that can heal

My surface is covered
With souls who don't understand
What we had together
And what we have now have alone.

A cloud is forming
From the tears I have shed
They will shower again and again
Until we clash and unite

Lightning will flash
Thunder will roar
Until we meet in explosion
In happiness to soar.

Revolving continously
A harmonious orbit
Tossing up waves
In the blue and boisterous

You are my moon
Circling my thoughts
Making an ocean storm
Big tides in my heart

My happiness often fades
Deepest of stark shadow
You see the bright side
Sun's peak shining

Never quit orbitting,
Or black will consume me
Don't stop circling,
Or my water will sit, stagnate

Here on my earth
A cloud is forming
To shower down tears
Since you must orbit, distant

Right now we cannot touch
For fear of fire
But soon that'll change
With a little time, age

Till' then my tears
Will grow good fruit
We'll be better people
If we orbit for now

So keep flying in space
It's better that way
Save the crying for now
And the landing for later.

Still I need you with me
And your needing me
Without eachother we'll fly off
No gravity, in space

Just revel in the orbit
Circling each other now
In time it'll all be over
And we can be one

© 2008 Benjamin L. Weekly


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Featured Review

Tiger,
I am sort of surprised to read a poem of sorrow than one of Romantics.
I enjoy your writing either way, but I do love your beautiful poetry which is the pretty heart,
and to be honest about this poem, I liked the original poem more than the latest one, change of emotion, shifting, like an Andreas fault, crossing the event horizon of a black hole.
It's great that you connected science and physical science, astronomy, and cosmos with love; fate; to wait? Curiousity of hearts is the most exciting thing, but the loveliest of all is to have and bathe in the hold of your love.

Posted 17 Years Ago


5 of 5 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Today I liked the original one above all.
When you write love, you soar.

Posted 17 Years Ago


"Seated on my blue planet
Looking to the golden moon
Cruel that we cannot touch
Earth, moon, separate"

(this is a little confusing in that you say you are seated on the blue planet and do not say "your" golden moon, then it is as if you are the planet and this other person is the moon. I think it may be clearer if you personify the planet and moon straight away.)

"As the moon you circle
Shining smiles on my crust
As the earth I spin
Turbulent tides stirring"

(Ahhh, now here you stake your claim and it flows better. I'd start with this stanza, omit the first stanza completely except for an intro line of "Cruel that we cannot touch" )

"Your surface is cratered
From the grief of our split (I'd omit "the" )
Scars remaining forever ( remain instead of remaining)
No balm that can heal" (I'd omit "that" )

"My surface is covered
With souls who don't understand
What we had together
And what we have now have alone."
( I really like this stanza, but the last line...huh? ...Did you mean: "And what we now have alone" I think maybe this was a simple typo. )

"A cloud is forming
From the tears I have shed
They will shower again and again
Until we clash and unite"

( I have to say I liked the original flow better. Maybe: "In my atmosphere/ a cloud is forming/to shower again and again/Until we clash and unite" this would tie the two together and keep your intentions in tact.)

"Lightning will flash
Thunder will roar
Until we meet in explosion (Until our explosive meeting - "in" "in" too close otherwise.)
In happiness to soar."
I enjoyed the metaphor you chose to display the attraction and distance, how your "worlds" revolve around each other to a certain degree. This was a well thought and executed poem. I enjoyed the section about fear of fire in the original work that was missing in the final draft. Also, you mentioned age originally and I thought that was an interesting touch - it made me think perhaps this was in part about a relationship where the age difference played a role in keeping the lovers apart. Anyway, I enjoyed it and hope my comment is helpful. It was a pleasure reading your work.



Posted 17 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Hello. sorry to take so long to get back to you�I have little experience reviewing poetry but as you made the request, I offer you a few thoughts�

Like some other reviews, I like the first one more. It�s rougher, sharper, lingering with it imagery like the trail of falling stars. it feels more honest�more from the heart�convoluted at points, it shows our (humans) own mix of at time opposing and chaotic minds� I feel love and hate, passion love and aggravation in this work�as if it was straight form the heart. the imagry is beuatiful as is the pulls on mythology and science.

The second feels more forced, not refined with grace, but reworked with precision. I feel more attempts to �explain� in rendition two and when I read poetry I don�t want explanation so much as floating through the poets heart/mind/soul. I knew more where I was, what parallels you were trying to draw, but I saw similar parallels in draft one�.But I give you credit; there was nice imagry and strings of words in this version as well.

I hope this helps a bit�perhaps some combination of the two would make an ideal final draft�
For a personal perspective if I owned the book this poem was in, I would reread version one numerous times. I would place version one aside and not revist.

Thanks for posting.

Posted 17 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

this is awesome, both works
my absolute most favorite lines
"My surface is covered
With souls who don't understand
What we had together
And what we have now have alone.

A cloud is forming
From the tears I have shed
They will shower again and again
Until we clash and unite
"
Wow


Posted 17 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

i could analyze this till kingdom come, its a great read, i have read it three time and i am still not bored with it, ( i will let you know when i am lol) thanks for the fuel, now i think i will write something.

Posted 17 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Glad, that I am not the only one, who writes long poems.....this is masterful. Poetry at it best. I liked it very much. Splended stanza:

"Seated on my blue planet
Looking to the golden moon
Cruel that we cannot touch
Earth, moon, separate "

Posted 17 Years Ago


1 of 3 people found this review constructive.

WOW!! i really like this poem, you've out done yourself on this one. you captured the longing and desire of something, kinda like wanting something you can't have. the description and emotion in this poem is awesome. way to go!!!! :)

Posted 17 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

Haha, you seem to have a grasp on this love thing. The longer one is special in that it adds more drama and lays thick the emotion you're portraying. Kind of more poetic. The first is more chaotic, medieval in a way. I can't place a finger on which one I like better. Either way, you've done a good job. ;)

Posted 17 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

This is gorgeous! wonderful imagery.

Posted 17 Years Ago


0 of 3 people found this review constructive.

i enjoy the ode form of this poem. i really enjoy odes so you got something for you there. I also enjoy that it's an ode to love. I would suggest you edit some stanzas out though.

Posted 17 Years Ago


2 of 4 people found this review constructive.


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Added on April 23, 2008

Author

Benjamin L. Weekly
Benjamin L. Weekly

Roseburg, OR



About
I am 22 years old and live in Roseburg, OR. I presently work full time. At my job, I handle second tier tech support by phone and answer emails for a major company. As such, I have the privilege of.. more..

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