Tiger,
I am sort of surprised to read a poem of sorrow than one of Romantics.
I enjoy your writing either way, but I do love your beautiful poetry which is the pretty heart,
and to be honest about this poem, I liked the original poem more than the latest one, change of emotion, shifting, like an Andreas fault, crossing the event horizon of a black hole.
It's great that you connected science and physical science, astronomy, and cosmos with love; fate; to wait? Curiousity of hearts is the most exciting thing, but the loveliest of all is to have and bathe in the hold of your love.
"Seated on my blue planet
Looking to the golden moon
Cruel that we cannot touch
Earth, moon, separate"
(this is a little confusing in that you say you are seated on the blue planet and do not say "your" golden moon, then it is as if you are the planet and this other person is the moon. I think it may be clearer if you personify the planet and moon straight away.)
"As the moon you circle
Shining smiles on my crust
As the earth I spin
Turbulent tides stirring"
(Ahhh, now here you stake your claim and it flows better. I'd start with this stanza, omit the first stanza completely except for an intro line of "Cruel that we cannot touch" )
"Your surface is cratered
From the grief of our split (I'd omit "the" )
Scars remaining forever ( remain instead of remaining)
No balm that can heal" (I'd omit "that" )
"My surface is covered
With souls who don't understand
What we had together
And what we have now have alone."
( I really like this stanza, but the last line...huh? ...Did you mean: "And what we now have alone" I think maybe this was a simple typo. )
"A cloud is forming
From the tears I have shed
They will shower again and again
Until we clash and unite"
( I have to say I liked the original flow better. Maybe: "In my atmosphere/ a cloud is forming/to shower again and again/Until we clash and unite" this would tie the two together and keep your intentions in tact.)
"Lightning will flash
Thunder will roar
Until we meet in explosion (Until our explosive meeting - "in" "in" too close otherwise.)
In happiness to soar."
I enjoyed the metaphor you chose to display the attraction and distance, how your "worlds" revolve around each other to a certain degree. This was a well thought and executed poem. I enjoyed the section about fear of fire in the original work that was missing in the final draft. Also, you mentioned age originally and I thought that was an interesting touch - it made me think perhaps this was in part about a relationship where the age difference played a role in keeping the lovers apart. Anyway, I enjoyed it and hope my comment is helpful. It was a pleasure reading your work.
Hello. sorry to take so long to get back to youI have little experience reviewing poetry but as you made the request, I offer you a few thoughts
Like some other reviews, I like the first one more. Its rougher, sharper, lingering with it imagery like the trail of falling stars. it feels more honestmore from the heartconvoluted at points, it shows our (humans) own mix of at time opposing and chaotic minds I feel love and hate, passion love and aggravation in this workas if it was straight form the heart. the imagry is beuatiful as is the pulls on mythology and science.
The second feels more forced, not refined with grace, but reworked with precision. I feel more attempts to explain in rendition two and when I read poetry I dont want explanation so much as floating through the poets heart/mind/soul. I knew more where I was, what parallels you were trying to draw, but I saw similar parallels in draft one.But I give you credit; there was nice imagry and strings of words in this version as well.
I hope this helps a bitperhaps some combination of the two would make an ideal final draft
For a personal perspective if I owned the book this poem was in, I would reread version one numerous times. I would place version one aside and not revist.
this is awesome, both works
my absolute most favorite lines
"My surface is covered
With souls who don't understand
What we had together
And what we have now have alone.
A cloud is forming
From the tears I have shed
They will shower again and again
Until we clash and unite
"
Wow
i could analyze this till kingdom come, its a great read, i have read it three time and i am still not bored with it, ( i will let you know when i am lol) thanks for the fuel, now i think i will write something.
WOW!! i really like this poem, you've out done yourself on this one. you captured the longing and desire of something, kinda like wanting something you can't have. the description and emotion in this poem is awesome. way to go!!!! :)
Haha, you seem to have a grasp on this love thing. The longer one is special in that it adds more drama and lays thick the emotion you're portraying. Kind of more poetic. The first is more chaotic, medieval in a way. I can't place a finger on which one I like better. Either way, you've done a good job. ;)
i enjoy the ode form of this poem. i really enjoy odes so you got something for you there. I also enjoy that it's an ode to love. I would suggest you edit some stanzas out though.
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