Haiku #13

the number eight-
etched into
the frozen pond

Reviews

[David P. Eckert]

Nice simple image, the freezing of the pond drawing a reference to winter, while the etched eight a reminder of man's mark on nature.

David

[Adamdust]

i like the image, and i like the haiku. one strong verb and two things tied to it. that's good. though we stand on two diferent stylistic approaches.
in this instance it is the number eight as opposed to a figure eight. the delivery is straightforward.

look at it line-by-line
it's almost predictable because of the delivery.

joannie loves chachi
etched into
the old oak tree

imagine you're telling a joke and you decide the to tell the punchline first "the number eight"
get it? your organization of the lines, though completes the image fine, doesn't give us the surprise we are waiting for. goes like this:

first line we get a thing "8" that's what's going through my head, but so far nothing to make me wonder why or where. then comes
"etched into" oh ok, now i wanna know where.
where where, but the question doesn't breathe much because it is spawned from the second line and answered in the third.

my first suggestion would be a very simple rearrangement: make line one the third line.

second suggestion: this is hairsplitting but i thought i'd put it out there. etched is something i would do to a school desk or an oak tree. short deep scrapes with a sharp object.

ice skates are long gliding strokes. i know it's hair splitting. but that verb is the center of this haiku. you use one verb. that's awesome. but think about if it's the right verb. it's a matter of style and preferrence and it works. just some ideas.

right on tiger. good winter haiku. you got the spirit down real well, and you know for the most part how to see a haiku. seeing a haiku is not easy

[Colleen]

Ooo, nice. I have a very hard time keeping it this simple.

Thus concludes my oh so helpful review.