Ring of Saturn (Free Form)

Let me tell you about
A girl I like
It seems she's near
But really she's far

I call her saturn
Let me tell you
why

One day, in a car
I caught a strand
of her glowing hair
I thought;

Will I ever
carress her
As I do this
precious lock?

As I kept
twirling it in my
fingers
It seemed
like something from heaven

like a planet; Saturn
seen by a telescope
from afar
He sees the planet in his eye, but
it lies far
far
away

I hold it, but it stands galaxies
solar systems
miles
away

Men have only walked
the moon
Can one timid man
put saturn's ring
on his finger?

I wonder still
As I watch her;
Saturn
Surrounded by
Her golden rings
against nebula
paintings; green
red and
blue
Beauty in perfection

I still wonder
and
hope

Reviews

[J. Duran]

Damn!!! I absolutely loved this piece.
You seem to know what your writing about.
It definately shows you writing skills.
Every second I spent on reading this
was never wasted.
-J. Duran

[Krystal Waters]

I still like the poem.. and yes the format is wonderful and only adds to the beauty. I can't wait to see what else holds in your writing! NUMBER ONE FAN! *HUGS*


Krystal

[Aaron]

After reading this piece, I find myself straddling a great divide between classical criticism and the idea of art pushing the limits of itself in an attempt to redefine the boundaries of "art". I'm a rule breaker at heart... so art for art's sake it is. You convey you emotions clearly throughout, with strong images of a fantastical near-reality. As I read down the lines, it struck me that this poem, if reformatted could stand as lyrics to a song. After reading your reviews, I am more solid that these words, though problematic as a "poem" are indeed suited to being song lyrics... I've been in bands and I have to say, these are kick a*s lyrics if you were so inclined to use them.Reminds me of the band "Hum". Check them out sometime if you like art rock.Keep at it!!!!!

[Merancapeman]

I understand a few of the comparisons and the analogies, but this piece, regardless of astronomical knowledge, is a little bit rusty. However, I will say that I enjoyed it nonetheless. I cannot tell you how often I'm in that situation, even if my life is already joined with another. I find myself with only a strand, and although I make the best of it, it is only what is in my eyes and not what is in my arms. The critic a few reviews below summed up some of the issues, so I won't go further. I enjoyed it and understood it, and that's what counts for me.

[Colleen]

I am a little confused about whether or not the hair is still attached to her head or not. If so, then, narrator dude, move in, lol. But it can also be read as you found a piece of hair left behind on the seat after giving her a ride somewhere.

[Adamdust]

oh i forgot to mention:

"Men have only walked
the moon
Can one timid man
put Saturn's ring
on his finger? "

i like this.

[Adamdust]

hey Tiger! what's going?
forgive me - though i like the voice, i don't like the content. here's why:

"One day, in a car
I caught a strand
of her glowing hair

Will I ever
caress her
As I do this
precious lock? "
- first thing is consistency. A strand of hair and a lock of hair are two different things. When a "bunch" of hair, or grouping of hairs, is secured like a pony tail or something - that's a lock. that's why it's called a lock (because it's secured). You got a pie, or a piece of that pie. which is it. i think you should stick with the stranf, it's more realistic.

"I hold it, but it stands galaxies
solar systems
miles
away " - i know there is a poetic reason for this, regardless of it being in your hands it seems far away. However, it comes across through the poem's speaker as if the primary object of comparison (and astronomical object) is hugely misunderstood. mostly because of the words with which you posit it at a distance. instead of creating a distance as intended, i'm distracted and all i can think of is "this speaker doesn't know astronomy very well"

the only thing that's really galaxies away are other galaxies, and i can assure you saturn is not solar systems away, and miles? saying miles is a severe downplay it's like saying "So close yet not-so far away" at perihelion saturn is 838,522,163 miles from the sun. so saying "miles" conveys a strong tone of naivete` - -

anyhow! i think the experience conveyed by the poem's speaker is inexperienced and naive.
there are no nebulae near saturn or in the solar system at all, and the rings aren't golden.

My reading of your poem was very literal, because it dealt with literal objects, but in a figurative way, but it did so without using any of the importable mythos backing the heavens, which imho is always a more substantial route towards giving your imagery and emotive content weight. instead it seems to be littered with an astronomical heap of things the speaker merely knows is out there, but has no idea in what relation these things are to one another.

i recommend the speaker of this poem toss the strand of hair out the car window, drive home, and read some astronomy books. :) no offense intended, bro.

[Jonathan Escoffery]

If I understand this poem correctly, you are comparing this girl's radiance to that of Saturn and it's rings. And though you've caught hold of a lock of her hair, the girl remains just as ellusive as the planet itself? It took me a couple reads to grasp an understanding of this poem because at first it struck me as being quite abstract. This is a romantic poem indeed, but I wonder if it might read better in prose form. Just a thought. Then again, I'm a strong believer that one's poetry shouldn't be altered by others so you should leave it as you feel it should be.

[Dead Angel]

this is a very descriptive, creative poem. great job!

[Krystal Waters]

Ahhh... this girl is so lucky! That glimps of heaven... as you sit and wait. I think you are a gentleman as you put your heart out in this poem. Maybe you could give this to her... she might look at you in a different light. That way, you won't have to sit afar and wonder.... Wonderful, and thank you for sending this to me to read.

Krystal