Jewel

Like a gem in a stony field
Hair flowing like a heavenly gift
Wanted to be her strength, her shield
Instead I'm stuck alone, adrift

Picked her favorite flower today
Plucked a rainbow for a tiara
Hoping her presence is here to stay
Wanting to bask in her warm aura

Eyes containing the constellations
When I fill her ears with whispered praise
A screaming heart, a lamentation
Because her heart with another lays 

Reviews

[Suzanne C. Suber]

Beautiful! Please read my "Pearl" & see the correlation.

[David P. Eckert]

Excellent images, the sadness of unrequited love when our plans are already moving ahead in our minds. A couple of slight snips would adjust the rhythm/meter so that it would read as well as the imagery deserves. Poetic license gives you permission to snip the "a" before tiara or the "is" after presence. Read it aloud and you'll see those spots where just a slight change would make it terrific.

[Aaron]

OK Tiger... this is flat-out, hands-down the best piece I've read from you. With a few quick edits, you have a masterful piece. I like how this flows insides of the rhyme scheme (personally, I have trouble when writing in a set format... so tip of the hat to you!!!). The rhyme of tiara/aura was brilliantly executed. Overeall, I felt as though I were reading a Shakespearian sonnet that ended all too quickly, leaving me wanting more... and that's exactly where you want your readers Tiger, believe me on this. Always leave them wanting more. *laughs an evil laugh*

OK, the quick edits. Try these out and read it aloud to yourself. If you don't like them, that's cool... you can always change it back. hahahahahahahahaha

Line 3------- "Wanted" changes to "Wanting"
(Doing this sets up a linguistic cue of your fantasy world 'wanting', of something that should be, versus the reality cue 'instead', the world as it really is. Plus, this line would feel more natural to patterns of speech and less like you simply removed the term 'I'.)

Lines 9-10 --------- Removal of "the" and "When" respectively; a comma at the end of line 10
(This is more for rhythm than anything else, plus these words are disposable in the context of your writing... we do get all the info without either of them. Adding the comma to the end of line 10 is also for the rhythm of the verse.)

That's it!!! Give it a try and see if you like it. This was fun to read, and a nice sentiment to pass along. CONGRATS!!!!

[Melissa M.]

I love this. It flows very well, and pulled me along sweetly. Your wording is perfect and romantic, even with the lack of "I". Great job.

[Jem]

wow. BEAUTIFUL.
"plucked a rainbow for her tiara.."
its lovely.

[Adamdust]

I liek to read creatively. What i mean is, i'm strongly into reader-response criticism. Have you ever heard of this critical approach. Peter rabinowitz is a strong voice in the literary field concerning this approach.

When i read this, i find discoveries available. So after reading the intended rhyme scheme, in the intended order, i reordered your poem and found the symbolism, though the same, revealed through a different angle. it was as simple as reading the first lines of each stanza into one stanza, likewise with the second, then the thirds and the fourths so ultimately i read four stanzas with 3 lines each, and it works rather well.

give it a shot and see if you can feel anything different fromt he poem. it's rather cool.

[Dead Angel]

WOW! you really out did yourself in this poem. the last line, "Because her heart with another lays" just blew me away. Nice job on this!

[Krystal Waters]

Tiger, I feel you caught the essence of what true love is. The imagery caught my eye as I read these words "Plucked a ranbow for a tiara, Hoping her presence is here to stay" As I read on, I was truely moved with these words "Because her heart with another lays"

The gem is a beautiful stone... and comparison with the rocks around her... it only said what you saw in her.

So the end was sad and I hope this isn't something you had to go through yourself... but your words are moving.

Krystal

[Amy Widmer]

I haven't heard a love poem this beautiful in a long time. Simply beautiful... your words are very fluid and the imagery is fantastic.

[Michele]

Wonderful Poem. Not sure what else to say.