Dream (Foolish Heart Part 6)

Part 6 =)

That voice,

so distant...

 

So familiar...

 

Is it calling my name?

So soothing,

a warm embrace.

 

My eyes flitter open in the sunlight,

the white folds of the bed?

 

Home??

 

I hear that voice again,

I slowly look up.

 

Her smile...

took my breath away...

 

Its her...

 

I jumped out of my bed,

within a second I had her in my arms...

Holding her tight...

 

My eyes stared into hers...

Her eyes...

so innocent, so comforting.

Like the sunset in the distant horizon,

a beauty beyond words.

 

I held her,

so soft...

so fragile...

 

She smiled back at me

"Why did you jump at me?"

She laughed...

 

All I could do is smile...

"I love you"

She smiled

"I loved you too"

 

"Lets take a walk"

 

I held her hand and stepped outside,

the raindrops falling hard.

"Whoa, look at that!" I said

She turned to look "Where?"

 

Seeing nothing but more rain,

"I dont see anything."

She turned around,

I leaned forward and kissed her...

Lovingly...

 

I wish time frozed...

That moment...

 

I looked up,

it was all a dream.

 

A sigh of relief,

accompanied by a smile.

 

I looked back to her,

she was crossing the road near the street corner.

I heard tires screech...

 

No...

 

No!...

 

NO!...

I ran up behind her,

and pushed her to the other side...

 

She looked back,

fear in her eyes.

I smiled...

 

"I love you..."

 

The rest was dark...

Reviews

[KL]

Couple of things, I understand you're trying to make it a little more ethereal and dreamlike for the reader, but I think you are overdoing it with the ellipses ('...'). The suspension from line to line loses its effect with me after so many times, as I think that suspense should come from within the poem itself - through the words. Also, I like seeing a polished poem, especially when we have the ease of a computer to do so... fix your spelling and punctuation! There's no such word as 'frozed,' and you're missing some apostrophes. Maybe I'm sounding anal to you, but in the world of poetry it seems juvenile.

With the s**t out of the way, I thought this poem moved along very nicely, and I think it's cool how you're telling a story with each subsequent poem. Wonder where your inspiration came from. Sometimes the foolish heart can only dream, ya know!

Keep it up Hopeless; polish this up and you have yourself a shining piece.

PS. I love how this has been marked as unconstructive because I didn't fall over this piece of writing. Sorry for putting effort into my review and saying things that could actually BENEFIT the author.

[Kiba-chan]

"and then, within a moments breath, Life was stolen away. Life was stolen, but the Love stoodfast."

great poem, great plotline, and wonderful flow. I really enjoyed reading this!

[just rose.]

wow, a really strong ending. i was following along with the story and then ...

... life can be this way. well done.

[Regret Almia Fair]

:'''O so sad.... but bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Natalie]

Oh wow the end was a real surprise and the love in this poem was so strong I couldn't believe it. The greatest love is giving up your life for someone else in any way (at least in my opinon) and this was poem was so sweet and warm and beautiful.
"All I could do is smile...
"I love you"
She smiled
"I loved you too"

I loved you? Thought that was really cool and unexpected what you did there. Great job :D

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

at the begging sweet tranquil love serenade~lovely undulationes of adoration~ and then the realization how quickly it can all be taken away~ every moment precious~ every single one~ a truly affecting poem~

[RTB]

what a depressing ending i thot it was very unique for a love poem good job keep at it

[Matthew Kult]

Good flow interesting twist. Matches up well as still on the same subject line. Good read as a stand alone. Good work.

[biggle]

whoa, that would suck. but thats pretty good... very nice, wasn't expecting that ending.