Dream (Foolish Heart Part 6)

Part 6 =)

That voice,

so distant...

 

So familiar...

 

Is it calling my name?

So soothing,

a warm embrace.

 

My eyes flitter open in the sunlight,

the white folds of the bed?

 

Home??

 

I hear that voice again,

I slowly look up.

 

Her smile...

took my breath away...

 

Its her...

 

I jumped out of my bed,

within a second I had her in my arms...

Holding her tight...

 

My eyes stared into hers...

Her eyes...

so innocent, so comforting.

Like the sunset in the distant horizon,

a beauty beyond words.

 

I held her,

so soft...

so fragile...

 

She smiled back at me

"Why did you jump at me?"

She laughed...

 

All I could do is smile...

"I love you"

She smiled

"I loved you too"

 

"Lets take a walk"

 

I held her hand and stepped outside,

the raindrops falling hard.

"Whoa, look at that!" I said

She turned to look "Where?"

 

Seeing nothing but more rain,

"I dont see anything."

She turned around,

I leaned forward and kissed her...

Lovingly...

 

I wish time frozed...

That moment...

 

I looked up,

it was all a dream.

 

A sigh of relief,

accompanied by a smile.

 

I looked back to her,

she was crossing the road near the street corner.

I heard tires screech...

 

No...

 

No!...

 

NO!...

I ran up behind her,

and pushed her to the other side...

 

She looked back,

fear in her eyes.

I smiled...

 

"I love you..."

 

The rest was dark...

Reviews

[KL]

Couple of things, I understand you're trying to make it a little more ethereal and dreamlike for the reader, but I think you are overdoing it with the ellipses ('...'). The suspension from line to line loses its effect with me after so many times, as I think that suspense should come from within the poem itself - through the words. Also, I like seeing a polished poem, especially when we have the ease of a computer to do so... fix your spelling and punctuation! There's no such word as 'frozed,' and you're missing some apostrophes. Maybe I'm sounding anal to you, but in the world of poetry it seems juvenile.

With the s**t out of the way, I thought this poem moved along very nicely, and I think it's cool how you're telling a story with each subsequent poem. Wonder where your inspiration came from. Sometimes the foolish heart can only dream, ya know!

Keep it up Hopeless; polish this up and you have yourself a shining piece.

PS. I love how this has been marked as unconstructive because I didn't fall over this piece of writing. Sorry for putting effort into my review and saying things that could actually BENEFIT the author.

[Sarah]

Whoa, I wonder if these poems will ever have a happy ending. Seriously, this is like "what can go wrong will go wrong" kinda scenario. XD Either way, I thought the first half was romantic and sweet ~ one typo I noticed though "frozed" should just be "froze". :D

[sarah]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS POEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY FRIGGING GOODNESS I LOVE THIS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have no words to describe how much I love this which is odd because i'm a writter but I love it

[Randolf Ramos]

We are always fascinated in the dark, but those light that flickers keeps on calling us to leave a life a stray!

Great work!

[Poetic Beauty]

Now this is an attention getting poem that pulls you in from the first line to the last. the ending is so sad when the rest of the poem is so sweet and loving show a scene of two people who deeply care for one another. The ending is sad without actually saying he/she died.

[bonbon7810]

Wow that is really beautiful! The end took me by surprise, but it see,ed to fit perfectly! Great job!

[mess of gorgeous chaos]

Wow this was....amazing. I'm lost for words.
The ending was a complete shock. I reread it again...it was even better the second time. And that time I caught some foreshadowing, like "I loved you too." Very clever, and nicely done.
100/100!!

[Joshua Donahue]

so beautiful and touching! 100/100 I SAY!!

[HappyTaylor]

This is possibly one of the sweetest things I've ever heard.
I love the story-like poems.:)

"My eyes stared into hers...

Her eyes...

so innocent, so comforting.

Like the sunset in the distant horizon,

a beauty beyond words."

I am in love with these few lines.....
The surprise ending took my breath away quite honesty.
Beautiful, wonderful poem. :)

[Marlena]

I liked this, kind of unexpected ending, and the whole poem had this dream quality to it. Very cool :)