Negotiations at Blackrock Industries

A Story by Connor

Sylvia, railroad baroness to Silver Moon Rails, and Maximilian Driscoll, inheritor to the fortune and ownership of Blackrock Industries, meet once again to negotiate for a partnership.

Sylvia leans against the desk as she overlooks the beautiful view of the mines. Her arms were crossed but uncross as she picks up some papers to read them over. A gloved hand runs down the page and she glances up, a smile stretching her ruby lips "Seems your mines just keep spitting out the good stuff."

"What can I say? The Driscolls have a 'sixth sense' when it comes to our line of work." Max rises from his lounge chair in the corner of room, and faces the young woman across from him. A smug expression lingering off each word. "So, did you have an important reason for wanting to see me, or did you just miss me?"

Sylvia keeps her eyes on the papers, pretending to ignore the presence coming closer until he is beside her. She then drops the papers back on the desk and reaches out to run a finger under his chin and lean in close, peering up at him with a coy look in her dark eyes. "Oh can't it be a little bit of both? Any excuse to come out here, after all." With those words, she stands up and turns to him and pretends to fix his tie though it was already perfect. "I was wondering if perhaps you might have sniffed out a new mine up north? I was wanting to move my line up that way since there's a small town that I believe will be growing soon. A new coal mine will be just what I need to solidify my idea."

Max leans in closer, pushing her between him and his desk. He reaches around Sylvia to grab the glass of brandy for the two, wanting more excuses to get as close to her as possible while flashing his devilish grin, exposing his golden fang. "Hmm, so I've heard. A reputable source of mine has also heard great things about a ravine in that area. However, I have a feeling that there is something more bountiful 'done South'." Towering over Sylvia, he can feel her hot breath strike his chest.

Sylvia eyes him as she's pinned between him and the desk. Her smile grows as she wasn't about to deny she liked being this close to her much larger 'associate'. "Oh that sounds perfect. I will work on my plans then. I will be happy to transport your workers and any supplies needed as soon as the tracks are in place." She presses forward onto him to look up and rests a hand on his shoulder. "I will have to help you explore 'down south' if you wish for a helping hand. You always are good at keeping me... busy." Sylvia traces her hand down and pops one of his jacket buttons with her nail.

"And you always seem to make it 'hard~' for me to focus. I wouldn't have it any other way." Max grasps Sylvia's delicate yet firm hands with his own, caressing it with his clawed thumb. He looks longingly into her eyes as his other hand slowly drifts down below her dress. "Just... try to be more careful this time. I have a meeting in five hours and I'd love to keep this suit 'intact' for it."

"Oh.." Sylvia feigns disappointment but leans against the desk on her palm and stares back. "I can't help it. It is so satisfying to just rip away every piece of fabric until I can enjoy every delicious inch of you. I just want to swallow you whole." She smiles again tracing her upper lip with her tongue. "I am starting to think we should put a wardrobe in here for some spare clothing in case of 'emergencies'. For the moment though..." She sighs as if in thought. "Perhaps it would be funner to leave you hungry and have you after hours when we can both really run wild?"

"You really know how to make me beg for it, don't you?" Max slowly gives in to his instincts, as he traces his kisses down her neck "I'll let them know that they'll need to reschedule... later."

Sylvia laughs lightly, delighted as he gives in. Her head turns to let him at her neck though it makes her giggle. She slips her arms around him to pull him close and leans back onto his desk. "I feel I truly have you wrapped around my finger." Her voice is low and clearly thrilled. "Maybe we should consider speaking about partnership again some time.." She growls playfully as she rests a hand on his cheek and kisses him fiercely.

© 2021 Connor

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JayG

• Sylvia leans against the desk as she overlooks the beautiful view of the mines. Her arms were crossed but uncross as she picks up some papers to read them over. A gloved hand runs down the page and she glances up, a smile stretching her ruby lips "Seems your mines just keep spitting out the good stuff."
- - - - - - -
As written, this is a chronicle of events…a report: This happens…then that happens…and after that…”

It makes sense to you. But look at it, not as the author, who knows the story, and the people in it, before they begin reading. Instead, see it as a reader must—one who arrives without context, and who has only what the words suggest to them, based on their life, not your intent:

Sylvia, who could be twenty or ninety, in an unknown place, and having both an unknown job and unknown motivation, is leaning against someone’s desk, looking at what someone unknown says is a beautiful view of “mines.”

Dunno...I’ve seen mines up close and from a distance, and I’ll be damned if any hole in the ground with crap scattered on the ground around it, plus the equipment needed to transport the ore is in any way beautiful. Of course you could also mean strip mines, which are uglier…or a factory assembly line where explosive mines are made for the navy. All of those fit the line, but none are pretty. And remember, there is no second first-impression, so confuse the reader on the first line and you've probably lost that reader.

In any case, her arms are crossed? Who cares? Telling the reader that someone they know nothing about had her arms crossed before the story began is hardly earthshaking news. It’s irrelevant detail, as is what she was looking at for no known reason.

My point? You’re thinking visually in medium that doesn’t support vision or sound, and then explaining and reporting what the reader WOULD see, but can't. And that cannot work because, in this case, it’s unrelated to building character, moving the plot, or meaningfully setting the scene. And in writing fiction, any line that doesn't do one of those three needs te be chopped because it serves only to slow the narrative. Remember, fewer words = faster read = more impact. reading a a LOT slower than doing, so the last thing you need is to slow the pace

The problem is that you, like more hopeful writers, are thinking in terms of telling the reader a story. But that’s not what fiction is. We don't want explanations and data. We want to feel as if we’re living the adventure in real time—as-the-protasgonist. E. L. Doctorow puts it well, with: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

But did they teach us how to do that in school? Hell no. They taught us to write reports and essays, to prepare us for the needs of employers, not the skills of the fiction-writing profession. But, they never tell us that there is another approach, so when we turn to writing fiction, the result, for pretty much all of us, reads like either a chronicle of events or a transcription of us telling the story aloud to an audience. Neither work.

I know this is terrible news, after all the work you did on this. But the story will always work for the author, because we have two things the reader lacks: Context and intent. We know the story BEFORE we read the first word. We know the mindset and desires of every character in it. And the things we leave out when writing, because they seem obvious to us, will be filled in, automatically, as we read, and we never see a problem...so, never fix them.

And since that’s the situation we all face, I thought you'd want to know, because we’ll never fix the problem we don’t see as being one.

So… The fix is simple enough: add the skills the pros take for granted to the nonfiction skills we now have. Yes, there’s practice and study involved, but that’s true of any profession.

And while we might say, “I just want to write for fun,” there’s a snag. When we read fiction we don’t see the tools being used, only the result of their application—the decisions made for reasons we’re unaware of. But we do expect to see the result of them being used in what we read. More to the point, your reader expects it in yours.

But there is some good news. If you like writing fiction you’ll find the learning a lot like going backstage at the theater for the first time.

The library’s fiction-writing section is a great resource. Personally? I’d suggest Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found to date at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

Not good news, I know. But give it a try. Trade the cart horse we’re given in school for Pegasus, and who knows where you’ll fly to. Adding wings to your words is ALWAYS a good idea.

For what it may be worth, the articles in my WordPress writing blog are based on the kind of thing you’ll find in such a book, and meant as an overview.

I know, this is kind of like trying to take a sip from a running fire house, but as Mark Twain Observed: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

So hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 3 Years Ago

It makes sense to you. But look at it, not as the author, who knows the story, and the people in it, before they begin reading. Instead, see it as a reader must—one who arrives without context, and who has only what the words suggest to them, based on their life, not your intent:

Sylvia, who could be twenty or ninety, in an unknown place, and having both an unknown job and unknown motivation, is leaning against someone’s desk, looking at what someone unknown says is a beautiful view of “mines.”

Dunno...I’ve seen mines up close and from a distance, and I’ll be damned if any hole in the ground with crap scattered on the ground around it, plus the equipment needed to transport the ore is in any way beautiful. Of course you could also mean strip mines, which are uglier…or a factory assembly line where explosive mines are made for the navy. All of those fit the line, but none are pretty. And remember, there is no second first-impression, so confuse the reader on the first line and you've probably lost that reader.

In any case, her arms are crossed? Who cares? Telling the reader that someone they know nothing about had her arms crossed before the story began is hardly earthshaking news. It’s irrelevant detail, as is what she was looking at for no known reason.

My point? You’re thinking visually in medium that doesn’t support vision or sound, and then explaining and reporting what the reader WOULD see, but can't. And that cannot work because, in this case, it’s unrelated to building character, moving the plot, or meaningfully setting the scene. And in writing fiction, any line that doesn't do one of those three needs te be chopped because it serves only to slow the narrative. Remember, fewer words = faster read = more impact. reading a a LOT slower than doing, so the last thing you need is to slow the pace

The problem is that you, like more hopeful writers, are thinking in terms of telling the reader a story. But that’s not what fiction is. We don't want explanations and data. We want to feel as if we’re living the adventure in real time—as-the-protasgonist. E. L. Doctorow puts it well, with: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

But did they teach us how to do that in school? Hell no. They taught us to write reports and essays, to prepare us for the needs of employers, not the skills of the fiction-writing profession. But, they never tell us that there is another approach, so when we turn to writing fiction, the result, for pretty much all of us, reads like either a chronicle of events or a transcription of us telling the story aloud to an audience. Neither work.

I know this is terrible news, after all the work you did on this. But the story will always work for the author, because we have two things the reader lacks: Context and intent. We know the story BEFORE we read the first word. We know the mindset and desires of every character in it. And the things we leave out when writing, because they seem obvious to us, will be filled in, automatically, as we read, and we never see a problem...so, never fix them.

And since that’s the situation we all face, I thought you'd want to know, because we’ll never fix the problem we don’t see as being one.

So… The fix is simple enough: add the skills the pros take for granted to the nonfiction skills we now have. Yes, there’s practice and study involved, but that’s true of any profession.

And while we might say, “I just want to write for fun,” there’s a snag. When we read fiction we don’t see the tools being used, only the result of their application—the decisions made for reasons we’re unaware of. But we do expect to see the result of them being used in what we read. More to the point, your reader expects it in yours.

But there is some good news. If you like writing fiction you’ll find the learning a lot like going backstage at the theater for the first time.

The library’s fiction-writing section is a great resource. Personally? I’d suggest Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection.  It's the best I've found to date at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

Not good news, I know. But give it a try. Trade the cart horse we’re given in school for Pegasus, and who knows where you’ll fly to. Adding wings to your words is ALWAYS a good idea.

For what it may be worth, the articles in my WordPress writing blog are based on the kind of thing you’ll find in such a book, and meant as an overview.

I know, this is kind of like trying to take a sip from a running fire house, but as Mark Twain Observed: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

So hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100