Very Boring Women (VBM)

It's just my take on the effects boring women have on men.

There is nothing like the love of a good, honest woman to drive a man to drink and drugs.
In my sad, empty life, one programme I regularly thank the TV gods for is Cheaters. On Cheaters, people (usually women) are cheated upon (usually by men), and the miscreants are tracked down and confronted. Since it’s an all-American enterprise, the wrongdoers often have uncommonly good women at home (straight living, home-cooking), and a fact always brought up when the men are dragged from strip clubs. Tequila bottle in hand, to explain themselves: how could they behave so badly when they have such a good woman at home? At which point, the camera always zooms in on the man’s face, and you see a haunted look in his eyes; a look of such screaming boredom and desperation that; for a moment, you’re entirely on his side.

Remember when Keith Urban, a reformed drink-and-drugs addict, checked into a rehab centre having fallen ‘off the wagon’ after three months of wedded bliss to actress Nicole Kidman? Heaven forbid anyone might suggest that Nicole, a fine actress and probably a complete hoot, may have driven Keith back into the jaws of inebriation; by boring him senseless with a lifestyle of straight living, positive thinking, yoga and the occasional egg cup of miso soup as a ‘treat’. That for all her talent and charms, Nicole might be, on the quiet (whisper it), a VBW (Very Boring Woman)

Nicole proves VBWs aren’t always dull per se " it’s just that their lifestyles might strike a man as being Not The Best Fun he might be having. And what if, without realizing it, to a mild degree, we all have the VBW gene? While Gwyneth Paltrow, something of a VBW icon herself, found a Very Boring Man to settle down with; the rest of us stuck with nice, ordinary (occasionally exciting without permission) lovers, we really have our work cut out; training them up, breaking their spirits…whatever it is you care to call it.

TURF WARS

The good news for VBWs is that it looks as though they are winning. A new study has revealed that men, in particular young men, tend to have very close male friends, their ‘spouses’ having taken the place of ‘closest confidante’. Many reasons are posited for this " long hours at work, the internet…anything but the real one, which is that their wives or girlfriends have probably chased these guys’ friends away. Men are probably sitting there right now thinking, this is way too paranoid: could it really be that there are women out there who are hell-bent on ruining male friendships, turning them into ‘Billy No Mates’ social retards who can’t cope with interaction with anybody else but them? Well, yes.

In many ways, it’s understandable. The unwritten law of relationships is: Thou Shall Not Enjoy Yourself With Anyone Else But Me. Moreover, it is well known that a man’s best friend and his woman are natural sworn enemies. A wise woman knows never to underestimate the boyfriend, for he could get her dumped with just few coded words over a beer. Anything from; ‘Hello stranger!’ (Translation: ‘That controlling cow has finally let you out.’) to, ‘Can’t say she’s my type but I’m really glad you happy,’ (‘What a dog!’) proves that male friends are the undisputed land mines of any fledgling love affair. Underestimate them and KABOOM! You’re relationship is toast.

All of which could explain why VBWs or not, some women feel they have no choice but to veto male friendships altogether. And why men, for their part, are forced to resort to desperate measures (forming decrepit five-a-side soccer teams or even in extreme cases getting a job) in order to access male camaraderie. However, VBWs aren’t having it all their own way. There was Keith’s little slip. Vince Vaughn tired briefly of Jen Aniston’s yoga-tastic ‘let’s go jogging!’ lifestyle and ran for the beery hills. Maybe all aspiring VBWs should take note. After all, you can take the man out of the party but you can’t take the party out of the man.