A Look in the Mirror

Time goes by but I can't keep track. I can’t focus on anything and my mind just starts acting on its own.  Every fear and doubt that I've had over the years rushes to me all at once and every thought is accompanied with an image of Winters' face looking down at me. It's like a slideshow of everything that could go wrong and all I can do is curl into a ball and weep. I think of Sarah standing on the edge of the roof, Lydia sitting on the branch of a tree as she rubs her fingers over the necklace that once belonged to her mother, Drew starting to cry back whenever we practiced first aid on mice and he couldn't save his, Bishop talking about how he hated that nobody cared about what happened to us, the times when Zach would ask me if I thought there was anybody out there who missed us, and of Cassie as the scared little girl when she was all alone in the burning forest.

        "I don't deserve to lead them." I think to myself between sobs. "They trust me and I haven't even taken the time over the years to make sure they were all alright, no matter how obvious their pain was. It's all my fault. Winters is wrong. They aren't rejects. They're just kids who have gone through far too much without anyone telling them that they're not alone and that they're loved."

        I sit there crying until my throat turns sore and sit there in silence until the door opens. I don't look up but I hear someone walk over and sit down beside me on the wall. When the person begins to speak I know it's my personal leadership instructor, John.

        "People often think of leadership as a position of glory." John says in his deep, powerful voice and I can't help but look up at him. "They don't know what it's like to be you and me though. We fight and send people to their deaths because we've sworn to protect against all threats no matter what the costs. We watch our friends die right before our eyes. Then when command says a job has to be done, we tell the people we lead about it and they don't hesitate to volunteer for it. They don't hesitate because they trust us. They trust us to take care of them and get them out of there safely." John's voice is tinged with sadness and the thought of painful memories. He keeps speaking but is looking straight ahead at the wall opposite from us.

        "Tristan," He says slowly, "what he said about you needing your friends more than they need you is both true and false. You need the people who trust you and follow you, because as long as you have them, you have something to fight for, something to care about and protect. Without them, you and I…. we aren't people anymore. We just become weapons. We become machines."

        I listen to his words and wonder about just how many friends he's seen die, and how many that he sent to their deaths. All I knew about John was that he used to be part of some Special Forces unit and had retired to come here. He didn't like to talk much about his past. When I had once asked, he had said that some things were better left in the past because they were just too painful to bring into the present.

        "But," he continues, pulling me out of my thoughts, "they need you too. They need someone who genuinely cares about them; someone who sees them as more than just military assets. They need people like you and me because if it was anyone else…. Well someone else might just get it wrong. Your friends trust you, don't doubt that; and there will be a time where you have to make a tough decision they might not survive. In war, leaders have to send people to their deaths. There's only one piece of advice I can give you for when that time comes Tristan. Make sure that you don't waste their lives, and make sure that they know just how much you care about them. Give them that to hold on to. In the end, that's the only thing people like you and me can give them that they'll have with them when that final moment comes."

        He finally turns his head to look me in the eyes. His eyes, which normally look powerful and confident, just look old and sad, as if he's seen too much in his life and is just tired of it all. I swallow back the lump in my throat and pull my thoughts together.

        "How can I make a decision like that?" I ask, trying to make my voice not quiver. "How can I tell the people I've grown up with to go do something knowing that they won't come back? It can't get easier."

        He nods as if he's spent most of his life thinking about this and replies slowly. "It doesn't. It gets even harder because each time it happens; you have fewer people to hold on to. One by one you lose them and you find yourself wishing more and more that they were there with you. You begin to miss every little thing about them and appreciate everything you loved about them even more."

        For the first time I don't see John as a military genius or as an idol. I see just see him as a guy who misses his friends and wants to help the next person who comes along not go through all the pain he went through. It occurs to me that he might have once been in my very situation when he was younger, asking some mentor how to deal with the harsh reality of leadership.

        Before I can stop myself I ask, "Do you have anyone left?"

        His expression darkens for a second and I regret asking but then he just looks even sadder than before. There's a painful silence for a few moments.

        "I….. I don't know," he finally says. "I got sent on a different assignment then them and I never saw them again. That's the worst part."  His voice quavers a bit and he clears his throat before continuing. "Not knowing is always the worst part. I lie in bed every night thinking about where they could be and whether or not they're in trouble. I have a feeling they need me."

        Obviously wanting to push the thought away, John stands up and brings the computer and speakers over to us. Once he gets it all set up he opens a video file and looks at me. "Your friends have also been looking out for you. I thought you would like to take a look at this, he says before pressing play.

        The video starts and after a few moments I realize that it's a security feed from inside the forest. After a few minutes several people walk into the feed and I see that it's my squad. I look at john but he just sits there in silence and gestures for me to keep watching. Time passes and the meeting from earlier comes and goes. Then the “me” in the video takes the others away and it's just Cassie and Lydia.

        There's a minute or two of uncomfortable silence as Lydia waits to make sure that nobody can hear them talk before she finally speaks.

        "Why did you do it?" Lydia asks. "What was the purpose of it?"

        Cassie just shrugs and replies calmly, "I just wanted to prove to you all that I wasn't worthless. I wanted to prove that I had my own abilities to contribute to the team. You all kept looking at me like a charity case and I decided to fix that."

        Lydia's expression is one of shock. "So you kick our leader into a wall? I don't know what all that life saving business is about but it sounds like you owe him for a whole lot more than just accepting you into the squad. Risking his life doesn't seem like a very good way to repay him." Lydia pauses as she realizes that she was starting to shout.

        "For a moment after it happened," Lydia says in almost a whisper, "we all thought he was gone. Nobody knew what to do. We…. I was terrified."

        Cassie's expression softens a bit. "Look," she says, clearly starting to understand how deeply her actions had affected everyone, "I didn't mean to scare anyone. I just didn't want you all to think I was useless. I wanted to prove myself."

        The camera zooms in and it seems like Lydia brushes away a tear before speaking.

        "Well that isn't how we do things here. I don't know what groups you've been with over the years but here we look after each other." Lydia takes in a deep breath and is quiet for a moment. "You didn't just almost kill our leader, or even friend. Every member of Blue Team was alone before joining. Tristan never hesitated to welcome us and make us feel safe and wanted. He was the first person to care for us. To him it didn't matter how bad things seemed, as long as we were all together he always said things would be okay." Lydia gets quiet for a moment and the camera zooms in on Cassie.

        Cassie's face is a display of shock and guilt. She's clearly taken aback by the situation and is having a hard time meeting Lydia's eyes. Her mouth opens and she looks like she's about to say something but Lydia cuts her off.

        "Do you want to know the best part?" Lydia asks. "He thinks it's nothing. To him he just does what he'd expect anyone else to do in his situation. The rest of us can remember some of our old lives but Tristan can’t remember anything. This academy, our squad, is his entire life. It means everything to him. I still don't think he has any idea how much we all respect him for that. He's so much more than just a leader to us, and you almost took him away from us." Seemingly finished, Lydia sits down on the nearest bench and looks at Cassie.

        Cassie is obviously struggling with the situation but manages to speak. "I'm sorry," she stammers. "I had no idea. You're right about me owing him though. During the burning forest exercise a few years back, I got trapped under a falling tree. I thought I was going to die there, alone and forgotten. When I had just about given up hope, I saw him coming towards me. If he hadn't come back for me that day, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I understand how you feel."

        Lydia stands up and walks over to Cassie, stopping about a foot in front of her. She starts to speak and Cassie looks up at her. "No," Lydia says slowly, "You don't.” Then Lydia's arm swings at Cassie in a blur of movement and Cassie falls off the bench. "But now you have an idea. Now come on, we don't want to keep him waiting for your apology."

        Lydia helps Cassie, who is now holding a hand over her nose which is now a bloody mess, to her feet and they walk out of the camera's view without another word.

        The screen goes dark and John looks me in the eyes.

        "I," I stutter, "I had no idea."

        John just smiles and nods. "I know, but now you do, and now you have to live up to their expectations and prove that you deserve their trust and loyalty. They're all waiting in the mess hall for you now. They refused to eat without you."

        I smile and want to laugh but John's expression becomes serious and he starts to speak again.

        "With them," he says in a serious tone, "You'll meet another new addition to your squad. Treat him as you treat the rest of them. When the right time comes, he has some very important information to tell you and some items to give you. Don't ask him questions; the answers will come in time."

        This development catches me off guard. "Why can't you explain things to me now? What's going on?"

        John just shakes his head and looks at me with the same sad look in his eyes as he had before.

        "There's a lot of things going on that I can't explain because a lot of it I don't understand it myself," He says sadly. "I've tried to prepare you for everything but it's up to you now."

        "John?" I ask. "I don't understand what's going on."

        He takes a deep breath before speaking again. "Just forget about it for the time being my friend. There's something I wanted to tell you."

        My friend? Something's wrong. What isn't he telling me?

        John looks at the wall across from us but I get a feeling that his mind's eye is looking at a place far away. "I'm going to find my friends," he tells me. "I know they're out there somewhere. They just need to be found. They need me. I wanted to tell you because I'm leaving as soon as you and I finish talking. I'm afraid we won't see each other for a very long time, if ever." He turns his head to look at me and my face must show my confusion because he laughs.

        John stands up then helps me to my feet and leads me out to the hallway. I look to my right and see a large duffel bag on the ground. He turns towards me and now he has a smile on his face.

        "I want you to know that I'm extremely proud of how far you've come Tristan," He says, and it might be my imagination but he almost sounds a little choked up. He holds out a hand and I slowly shake it, surprised by the gesture of equality. "It's been an honor and privilege to know you. I wish you the best and hope we see each other again one day. Goodbye my friend." Then with a final smile he picks up his duffel bag and slowly walks down the hallway.

        I can't believe that this is happening and I want to beg him to stay but I manage to force out two words. "Goodbye John."

        I turn the opposite direction and begin to walk, in the distance I hear a noise and I realize it's John whistling. I barely recognize the tune from my early childhood but the words come to mind before the sounds fades into the distance.

        Ollie Ollie Oxen Free

        Pulling myself together I walk to the mess hall and find that it's empty except for a single table. I get about twenty feet from the table before its occupants stand up. The whole squad is there including Cassie, who's holding some tissues over her nose. I also notice a new face among the others and immediately know this is the new squad member John had told me about.

        He looks older than the rest of us, stands a little over six feet tall and has medium length brown hair that's swept to the side. His eyes are hazel and he's slightly pale, as if he spends most of his time indoors. He's skinny but his hands are callused and there's a dark smear on his white shirt that looks like oil. He walks over to me and puts on a smile that looks slightly forced and a little cautious.

        "Sir," he says, stiffening his back and snapping a salute, it's obvious that he's uncomfortable with addressing someone younger than him as a superior, "Travis Hupp, squad technician, I specialize in auto-mechanics. A Mr. John assigned me to your squad and told me to report to you. He said you would be briefed on the situation regarding me joining your squad."

        Uncomfortably, I return the salute and gesture for him to relax, "John told me what I needed to know. It's good to have you with us Travis. Also, don’t worry about formalities, there's no need to salute. Take a seat and relax. Have you eaten yet?"

        Travis shakes his head, "No," he replies, "I was told we were waiting for you."

        Giving him a quick nod, I turn towards the others, "Well I'm here now; let's get a bite to eat. Hopefully they kept something warm for us. Zach, Lydia, will you two come with me to get the food? Everyone else, sit back down and take some time to relax." Everyone apart from Zach and Lydia sits down and they join me as I walk towards the kitchen.

        Lydia looks at me uncomfortably until we’re in the kitchen where she turns to face me and speaks in a tone that suggests she’s been rehearsing her words for a while. “Tristan,” She says, “If you’re ready to hear my report on Cassie’s punishment, I can give it to you now.”

        Without turning to look at her I reply, “No need. I saw everything.” Then walking over to a large pot of soup that’s sitting on one of the kitchen stoves, I turn towards Zach and calmly say to him, “Next time we have a meeting, I need you to check the area for security cameras. I don’t want anyone being able to record our internal affairs any longer.” I don’t look at either of them so I can’t see the looks of shock I know are on their faces.

        I turn the pot and see a sticky note that has “Blue Team” written on it in a thin and tidy handwriting I know belongs to a lunch lady that had become fond of us over the years. I quickly get some bowls, spoons, pitchers of iced water, and crackers together then have Zach and Lydia help me carry it out to the table.

        About as soon as we set it all out, everyone attacks the food. Immediately any tension in the air clears and everyone is laughing and talking. Zach and Bishop are joking about almost poisoning Sarah during wilderness survival class because they mistook some spider eggs for blueberries. Drew is trying to help Cassie situate her nose but Cassie keeps shrugging him off and complains about wanting to eat. Travis tries to join in the various conversations but he’s busy eating; taking in bowlful after bowlful of the potato soup. He eats like he’s been starved for days until he finishes his seventh and lies back in his chair with a long deep belch which gets plenty of laughs from everyone. Lydia keeps glancing at me nervously but eventually lets it go and joins in the laughter. After everyone eats their fill and relaxes, I stand up and it becomes silent.

        “My friends,” I say slowly, looking each of them in the eyes, “I have a confession to make. Today in my private lesson I learned things about each of you that were incredibly personal. I hate to think that I learned about these things this way but it lets me know that there’s something I need to say to you all.”

        “Over the years we have become a family, and I’m proud to be able to say that. I know we all have our secrets, and we each have a right to keep it that way, but it’s important that we’re all here for each other no matter. Please don’t feel like there’s anything you can’t come talk to me about. You are the closest thing I have to a family and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for any of you. All you have to do is ask.” I sit down and look around.

        Travis looks uncomfortable as if he’s wondering if John told me anything about him that he doesn’t want me to know. Everyone else has varying looks of discomfort and curiosity, like they’re wondering what I learned about them but are afraid to ask. Before any of them can say anything I clasp my hands and look at my schedule.

        “Well we can make it to advanced camouflage if we hurry so let’s clean this all up,” I announce.

        We clean everything up in under a minute and head over to class. Everyone finishes their assignment with plenty of time to spare and ends up finger-painting on each other and covering each other with pine needles.

After class we head to the bathrooms and rinse off. Drew and I, having been covered with the most paint, are the last ones at the sinks trying to scrub ourselves clean. I decide it’s a good time as any to ask Drew about him and Lydia.

“So Drew,” I try to say casually, “what happened between you and Lydia? Is everything alright?”

Drew walks over to the solitary window and slides it open before he answers.

“I don’t know,” he answers with a sigh. “We got into an argument about what we’re doing here. I got upset because she says she wants us all to just sneak off and live our lives in peace. She says that after everything we’ve been through, we deserve to have some peace and happiness.” He stops talking and lowers his head for a few moments, then looks back out the window. “She’s right about us all deserving some R&R and I still love her of course, but I just can’t see us doing that. We’re being trained to help and protect people; shouldn’t we be glad we can do that? There are people out there that need us.” He stops talking and looks down again.

I’m caught off guard and look down at the sink I’m at to try to hide it but try to answer him anyway. “Drew… she’s just tired of living like this. She’s scared. It happens to all of us. You’re right about us needing to help others. We have a duty to protect others. It always amazes me how caring you are Drew. That’s one of the reasons I love having you around and I’m honored to call you my friend.”

Drew sniffs as if he’s crying and starts speaking again. “Thank you Tristan. That means a lot to me. Thank you for everything.” I’m about to tell him he doesn’t have to thank me but then he turns around and I see why he looked down. There’s a dark red blotch spreading across his chest from a hole in the middle of his shirt and it quickly covers most of his shirt. Then Drew falls to the ground.