Story Gone Wrong ¿

What Do I Have To Do To Have You?

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Truth, Trust, Lust, Love

As I Watch My Thoughts Tear Apart The

Night Gets Dark As My Soul

Truth Came Into My Room

And Told Me A Story About Trust

Trust Came Into My Room

And Told Me A Story About Lust

Lust Came Into Room

And Told Me A Story About Love

Love Came Into My Room

And Told Me A Story About Truth

Nothing But A Relationship Breaks Up

Deleting All The Pictures Off My Phone

Deleting All The Times We Talk On The

Phone "You Hang Up First"

I Wish I Can Delete You Out My Life

But Love Choke Me To Have You

But Trust Made Me To Intrusted You

But Lust Made Truth Worthless To Eachother

"I F*****g Hate You"

The Simplest Sentence You Can Say To Hurt

My Feelings

My Inner Soul Got Imprinted With Words I

Never Want To Say

Words I Promise Not To Say

Just Remember This I Still Love You No

Matter What

Knock Knock

Who's There?

What Do I Have To Do To Have You Again.

Reviews

[CLM]

Okay, let's see here.

The "knock knock who's there thing" - cliche. Obviously you can do better as the language points to.

The article "the" on line #5 I would do away with, tamps down pace.

All the "ands" after "truth came into my room". Read this without them and I think you might see they are superfluous. No superfluous in poetry. Poetry is all about brevity in writing - the best selection of words.

"Breaks up" is too topical for me, better language is easy here and the same with your use of "deleting". I am reminded of computers and this is definitely about computers.

"But, But, But" - same thing, better language is called for. Love chokes me, not Love Choke me.

"I f*****g hate you" Like it, but you dilute it with all the "buts," better to get to it quickly.

And this is where you are at your best:


"The Simplest Sentence You Can Say To Hurt
My Feelings
My Inner Soul Got Imprinted With Words I
Never Want To Say
Words I Promise Not To Say
Just Remember This I Still Love You No
Matter What
Knock Knock
Who's There?
What Do I Have To Do To Have You Again."

Lose the knock knock thing and drop "to hurt" to the next line (pace).

Make "Just Remember This I Still Love You No" two separate lines.

"What Do I Have To Do To Have You Again?" Great last line, sums up well poet's emotion, but too much to wade through to get to it.

[GODDESS]

Thank You Love

[CLM]

Okay, let's see here.

The "knock knock who's there thing" - cliche. Obviously you can do better as the language points to.

The article "the" on line #5 I would do away with, tamps down pace.

All the "ands" after "truth came into my room". Read this without them and I think you might see they are superfluous. No superfluous in poetry. Poetry is all about brevity in writing - the best selection of words.

"Breaks up" is too topical for me, better language is easy here and the same with your use of "deleting". I am reminded of computers and this is definitely about computers.

"But, But, But" - same thing, better language is called for. Love chokes me, not Love Choke me.

"I f*****g hate you" Like it, but you dilute it with all the "buts," better to get to it quickly.

And this is where you are at your best:


"The Simplest Sentence You Can Say To Hurt
My Feelings
My Inner Soul Got Imprinted With Words I
Never Want To Say
Words I Promise Not To Say
Just Remember This I Still Love You No
Matter What
Knock Knock
Who's There?
What Do I Have To Do To Have You Again."

Lose the knock knock thing and drop "to hurt" to the next line (pace).

Make "Just Remember This I Still Love You No" two separate lines.

"What Do I Have To Do To Have You Again?" Great last line, sums up well poet's emotion, but too much to wade through to get to it.