Prologue.

Prologue.

10. October 2010.

Los Angeles.

 

The hour clock went beyond eight. Outside was rainy, not so very October weather. It seemed as if nature felt the upcoming Monday and frowned about it already. The streets were not as crowded as they should normally be. Most of the year weather in Los Angeles is warm and sunny but today �" nothing felt right.

Nearby a window stood a handsome and at same time elderly man, Felix, in a long brown coat and a grey scarf, that he liked to carry around most of the time. Coming here from a cold country, he failed at leaving his habits behind. Lonely watching outside, he thought about a lot. His eyes were looking directly at today’s target �" bank in the end of the street. For convenience only, he drew his most trusted men here, to an old house nearby the bank.

However, something worried him. It was not the weather or lack of people. It was a small casket under his hand. For fifteen years, he was hiding it from his own men and today Felix wanted to return a piece of old memory to his fellow Dmitry. Nevertheless, Dmitry and Emily were late, as always.

- How is the situation, John? �" asked Felix without even thinking about turning away from the window.

- Hold on a sec, - answered a black man, sitting on a couch in the center of the room. After typing something on his laptop, he whistled for a bit and then smiled with his pure white teeth. �" All is clear boss. We may move out as soon as our people get here.

Heavily sighed, Felix turned for a moment towards John and nodded. “Our people” were Emily and Dmitry. Surnames Felix considered “personal information”. To his men, he always said, that they should never tell them to even each other without a great need. In their business, to be at least a little careful is always a good thing.

For a moment, Felix thought about asking more information from John, but he already was deep in his laptop. Carefully smiled, he turned back to window and frowned. A drunk, dirty man was moving towards the bank. For Felix, seeing people, like him was always insulting and repulsive. He grew up in a noble family with standards and even liked to tell his men, how to dress. Not too classy, but not without class �" for him it was a golden rule, that all must accept. If they wanted to live, thought.

While thinking about all sorts of punishment for the dirty drunk, Felix frowned again. Towards the room were heard loud steps and some major laughing. Most likely, Dmitry and Emily finally arrived from “strategic raid” as they used to call it.

- I think Felix is in love with me, - came a loud Emily’s voice.

After hearing that, John turned towards Felix with a small grin on his face. Felix, furthermore, was quite upset. His men were late, again.

- Silence, - joyfully answered Dmitry, which made Emily laugh even harder. �" I don’t think he will be happy to hear that.

- Good evening, - as soon as the door opened, said Felix and turned away from window. �" What time is it?

- Half nine, - grinned John and typed something on keyboard.

- Thank you John, - nodded Felix and turned back to Dmitry, who helped Emily to land on couch. �" Why are you both late? Moreover, why is Emily so drunk?

- For courage, - carefully responded Dmitry and scratched his hind head. Felix was not quite the type of man you can quarrel with. If he does not like you �" he will most likely shoot you. Or poison you. Or do anything else bad to you when you don’t expect it. �" I am sorry, Felix…

- Sure you are, - he smiled, threw Dmitry the casket and moved towards John and his laptop.

- What is this? - after taking a close look at the casket, asked Dmitry. Felix already was nearby, carefully looking at the laptop screen.

- Open it, - without moving his eyes from the screen, answered Felix. �" Consider it “a gift”.

- Is it… - silently said Dmitry after opening the casket. Now in his hands he had an amulet, which he saw on his father neck long time ago �" a silver phoenix on an expensive chain. His father received it as an anonymous gift in early nineties. �" Where did you get it?

- Your father asked me to give it to you, - calmly responded Felix. �" Before he… well, you know.

- I… do not know, what to say, - while putting phoenix on his neck, smiled Dmitry. �" Thank you.

- Not at all, duh, - rolled his eyes Felix and markedly coughed. �" John, has anything changed about the situation?

- Not really, - after looking at some online-chat program, answered John. �" We still have a lot of time, and the nearest patrol is moving away currently. We probably have about half an hour, maybe a little less.

- Wonderful, - shouted loudly Felix and happily clapped. �" Get ready, we are moving out and if we succeed �" beer is on me.

After receiving some happy shouting, Felix smiled and walked towards the door. Everything they have done so far in Los Angeles was nothing comparing to the deed they were on to today. He was not amused with the idea of being part of this operation, but more to that �" he was not able to let Dmitry act alone. A long time ago, he made a promise.

 

- Oh, come on, - quietly cursed a bank employee at her fallen hairpin. She heavily sighted and went under the table in search for her treasure.

Her hairpin was always falling out. Most of colleges got tired from telling her to throw that useless garbage away already. She took those upcoming advises with a smile, but promised herself never to do that. That hairpin meant a lot to her. It was the last gift she received from her mother, before she went to see the maker.

- Good evening, - after about half a minute of useless hairpin searching quest, came a manly voice from above her table.

- I apologize, - responded woman and finally came out from darkness beyond her table. After putting her hairpin to its one and only proper place, she sat down on her chair and frowned. �" Steve?

- Hey, Sarah, - with a little drunk smile responded Steve. �" Would you do me a little favor?

- I will not give you another loan, - sighted Sarah and checked her hairpin. �" You still have many debts on you.

- I know, I know, - shrugged Steve. �" But still, if you could give me another one…

- No, - she interrupted him and took a quick look at the queue. �" It is for your own good, trust me.

- Bullshit, - Steve sneered and stooped to Sarah, while leaning on her table. �" I have a major idea about making a huge profit. However, I will need some starting money and…

- I will call security, - without an opportunity for Steve to finish, coldly told Sarah. �" So, please, leave.

For a moment, Steve frowned, but then just shrugged again and turned away from Sarah’s table. However, he did not leave and now was just curiously staring at the window.

- What happened? �" after waiting for a while carefully asked Sarah.

- That mini-van, - while looking closely at the arrived car, answered Steve. �" I have a feeling I have seen it somewhere.

- Nothing unusual, just another mini-van, - shrugged Sarah. �" A lot of people drive them nowadays, you know.

- Still, it looks like the one I have seen in the news recently, - said Steve and turned back to Sarah.

- And what was it about? �" asked Sarah, but left her question unanswered and fell down on the floor.

With the sound of breaking glass, bank lobby has fast covered in smoke. Among screaming and cough, was heard some major amount of gunshots. After a couple of seconds, screams became louder with a sound of falling bodies.

- What is going on? �" while crawling under Sarah’s table, asked Steve.

- Cannot tell, - quietly said Sarah. Afterwards, she accurately pressed a small red button under her table. �" But I am calling cops.

A lot of screams gone to none, mostly instead of it some people were crying. Smoke was still on, and it was hard to tell, what was going on. The only things that Sarah heard now among crying were loud footsteps moving towards her through the smoke.

- You, - as soon as a man in a black suit with a black mask came out of the smoke heard Sarah from him. �" Do it, fast.

Before even having an opportunity to ask, what to do, Sarah caught a bag, thrown by the burglar. She nodded and as fast as could went towards the keep, leaving Steve alone with him.

- Please, no need to shoot, - quietly begged Steve after the burglar has put his gun towards Steve’s face. However, that was not necessary. The burglar was looking at Sarah and snapped his fingers from time to time. It seemed, that he did not even care about putting his gun at Steve.

- Crawl towards the exit, if you want to, - without moving his eyes away from Sarah allowed burglar. �" But I would not recommend that.

- Why? �" carefully asked Steve.

- You might meet my boss there, - sneered burglar and started snapping harder. It seemed, as if he was losing his patience. �" Move it, woman!

- Here, here, - ran back to her table Sarah and gave the burglar back his bag full of money. �" But, please, no shooting…

- Yeah, right, - after taking his bag back, chuckled burglar and pointed his gun towards Sarah. In a matter of seconds, he raised the gun and shot into fire detector. �" Hate that sound.

For a moment, he looked at Steve and then hit him with his gun right into the nose. After watching for a bit at rolling on floor hostage, he sneered again and walked back into the smoke towards the exit.

- All here, Felix, - after reaching the exit laughed burglar. �" Where is Emily?

- Having fun, as always, - without taking his eyes off the street, answered Felix and shook his heads somewhere right. �" Were there problems, Dmitry?

- None to be worried about, - answered the burglar and whistled. Sitting on a security guard nearby, Emily stood up and shot her hostage right into the head. �" That was cruel, you know.

- Not cruel enough, if you ask me, - after reuniting with her teammates, happily answered Emily. �" Are we moving out?

- Yeah, I believe so, - answered Felix. He looked around and took a grenade off his belt. With his teeth, he pulled out the ring and threw it somewhere into the smoke. �" Go!

Shockwave blew out the rest of glass windows into the street. Glass shards flew everywhere, while three burglars ran towards mini-van. However, Felix jumped down and took both Emily and Dmitry with him.

In a matter of seconds, over their heads flew a bunch of bullets. A nearby patrol car received the report about bank robbery and changed it root as fast as it could.

Hiding behind cars, Felix and Emily were now fighting off arrived police officers running from cover to a cover, rolling around and trying to hit their new targets. John was still hiding in mini-van. Dmitry on the other hand hid behind a small car parked nearby the bank entrance. His hands were shaking and head felt dizzy. Everything he looked at was feeling slow and the time itself imagined as if it stretched.

- Is something wrong? �" rolled nearby and hid next to Dmitry behind the car Felix. �" Dmitry?

However, he did not get an answer. The next thing Felix saw �" Dmitry took out his gun and stood up. He was looking blindly at police officers that were now aiming at him.

One of the officers took a closer look at what was going on and received a bullet right in his forehead from Emily. Now she became the primary target for the left alive officer.

- Dmitry, what the brick are you doing? �" after a couple of seconds of Dmitry’s standing, shouted Felix and tried to pull him down back to cover.

- Goodbye, Felix, - answered Dmitry with empty voice. He pulled his gun to his head and shot.

- What the… - started Felix, but suddenly stopped. Dmitry started falling on the ground. �" Dmitry!

- All clear! �" after successfully shooting the last police officer, shouted Emily and took another shot upwards into the air. She looked happily at Felix, who was now carrying Dmitry on his shoulder towards the mini-van and ran to him. �" Felix, what happened?

- Don’t know, - thankfully nodded Felix after Emily helped him carry Dmitry. He was still breathing and coughed from time to time. The bullet went through his head, but luckily did not reach any too dangerous parts of it. However, he already lost a lot of blood. �" Don’t want to know either, though. John, we are rolling out!

- Received, - answered John through opened window and pushed a switch on panel. The mini-van’s backdoor lock opened, allowing Felix and Emily drag Dmitry into it. �" What happened?

- Just, roll already, - after closing the door, disturbingly answered Felix and pulled off Dmitry’s mask. Somewhere nearby already was heard the police siren, which was a little disturbing comparing to loss of his fellow burglar. �" We will discuss this later. Move!

- Got it! �" shouted John and drove down the road. In his mirrors were already seen police cars that were driving towards the bank, so he took a dangerous turn and increased speed.

Felix and Emily were now trying to stop the blood. All covered in it, Dmitry looked faintly. His breathing was a lot less distinct already, and things were looking trashy.

- The bullet is too deep, - after trying to get anything out with his tweezers on the run pronounced Felix.

- Will he live? �" while holding a medicine chest and at same time trying to hold onto something carefully asked Emily.

- He will, - hastily answered Felix. �" If he will not �" I will kick his balls in the underworld. Hard.

For a moment, Felix frowned and stood back a bit. Dmitry caught a big sap of air and now was trying to look with his already blind eyes.

All he saw �" were Felix and Emily. He did not feel anything already. There was no pain. Even Johns hasty driving was slow and smooth. Next to Felix stood a young pink-haired girl in black robe, who was smiling and waving.

Her face was full of joy and happiness. For a moment, Dmitry though of reaching her, but failed miserably. His head went against the seat. Light disappeared and turned into silent, eternal darkness. In a matter of seconds, he died.

Author's Note

First attmept of writing something in English. So, I should be punished hardly for any mistake you find. Will be greatful for it, though :D. And... have fun reading this :D. "Thus the story begins", as it is said :D.

Reviews

[Kristen R Holbrook]

Hullo!

Figured I'd do a quick review of your work before I head out of the house for a bit. I noticed this is your first try at writing something in English, so I'll try not to be too critical. ;) I normally critique as I read, so I don't read the story as a whole beforehand. Also, everything stated is my opinion; take it or leave it, that's your choice as the author.
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HOOK:
When starting a novel or any other kind of story, you'll either want the first sentence or the first paragraph to hook your reader in. If we're not interested, then it's possible we're not going to read on; that's how it is in the published world.

Your first sentence begins with an hour clock going beyond eight.

That doesn't hook me. I'm not sure if the fact that it's past eight is essentially a bad or good thing, or if it's some bit of description going in the writing that doesn't matter. I have nothing to relate to the clock, or the time.

As for the paragraph, it deals with the time, the weather, the day, and how nothing really felt right.

First, I can see how this can be an essential hook, to set something up. But the way it's written is all tell and no show. You need to show the reader what's going on. We don't like to read lectures, you know? Outside was rainy. Telling. Show us the downpour. Show us the rain. Someone's looking outside at it, whether it be the omniscient camera or a character. Let the readers see the rain. Let us feel the chill it brings.

LESS IS MORE:
This is a guideline to writing that's brought up a lot of times (as are many others), but it's something I feel authors should pay attention to. If you can chop words out of a sentence, and not break the flow or the statement that it's getting at, then you should. Readers don't want to read writing that rambles. We want to get to the point of things.

[Nearby a window stood a handsome and at same time elderly man...]
--> Nearby a window stood a handsome, elderly man...

I took out the "and at same time" because it wasn't needed. They are filler words that lengthen the sentence, but do nothing for it in the end. By using "handsome, elderly man," you're saying that he's both at the same time in less words.

"Less is more" can be a bit difficult to get through at the start, but it gets easier. Normally adverbs are one of the main things you can always toss out of a story. (Though I'll admit, they're sometimes good.) One of the things you could do to practice it is try to write flash fiction in a minimal amount of words. Say, create a story less than 300 words. Or even try to create a Twitter story, where you can't exceed 160 (or 140?) characters. It's difficult, but it's fun and teaches you this guideline fairly well.

QUOTATIONS:
I'm not sure how you've gone about the quotations for when people speak (ie " "). You seem to favor a mixture of the dash and a single quotation rather than sticking to its proper form.

[- Nothing unusual, just another mini-van, - shrugged Sarah. " A lot of people drive them nowadays, you know.]
--> "Nothing unusual, just another mini-van." Sarah shrugged. "A lot of people drive them nowadays, you know?"

You can see where I used the quotations at, and where you hadn't. I ended the first speech with a period, then had Sarah shrugging. By using "shrugged Sarah," you're making that a speech tag. You don't shrug words, therefore it should be in its own sentence. I also added a question mark on the end, because it sounded more of a question than a statement.

Anyway, you have a lot of dashes and quotations mixed in. I'd make that the first priority of change when you start revising.
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I'm going to stop the critique there, because I don't want to boggle your mind with tons of things, ha. I think those three are major points that can be worked on first, then more things can be done later to tighten this piece up.

As for the prologue itself, I'm not sure how it fits into the rest of the story. Will it end up being about Dmitry after he's died? If that's the case, then this could work well as a prologue. If not, it could simply be a first chapter.

Prologues set something up for the future writing. I didn't see any of that here, unless, again taking a wild guess, they're all renegades now as wanted people.

I hope I've helped you out some in my review. Keep writing and only awesome will come of it.

[Fox]

Yes, the story itself starts in the "flames of hell" :D.
About quote marks and dashes - I use only dashes. Somehow, mechanics of this portal made second dash into quote mark (same problem with the first chapter, btw). So, not my fault ^_^.
And yes, I am a bit confused right now with writing in English. Every time I make up a pretty darn good sentence - Word says, that it's not right, you meanie! :D. So, I have two choices - fight with Word or follow it's advises. That question confuses me the most currently.
About "rest is more" and "hook" - will memorize that, thank you for your advice ^_^. Maybe will even try to write something short, while I'm at it. I have some "little writings" in Russian, though. Maybe would translate some in the future, if I won't be too lazy to do that :D.
Still, a lot of thank yous for your review. Very helpful and wide ^_^.
"Keep writing and only awesome will come of it." - hope so :D.

[Fox]

"- I will call security, - without an opportunity for Steve to finish, coldly told Sarah. " So, please, leave." - somehow, moment like these are changed with this websites mechanics O_O. Instead of "- So, please, leave." - words are put into commas o_O.