Who Am I?

It’s so easy to get lost these days,

Every time there seems to be something new.

Just when you think you know all the answers,

The questions change.

I came out in my mid 20’s 

Years of questioning, if him then why her?

It was nice to finally wrap it up in pink, purple and blue bow.

But now in my mid 30’s

I find myself right back there again. 

That question resurfacing once more. 

Who am I?

In 1989 I was born a ciswoman

But I feel the furthest disconnect from that.

While I despise femininity of any sort,

Unicorns are my favourite animal,

With pink one of my best colours

and will always be the first to get covered glitter.

But when I hear the call of “Hey lads!”

I will always be the first to look. 

It’s never been a question that I’m not ‘one of the boys.’

I feel more at ease around them and strikingly uncomfortable around their female counterparts,

Unsure of how to act, what to say.

I know I will never go as far as to change my name, my pronouns,

But sometimes it would be nice to hide away.

To camouflage into the background. 

I wish I was brave enough to bind,

But I know they’re not meant for me. 

Because of how I act, and how short my hair is,

And my wardrobe of denim and plaid.

I supposedly look like I fit that demographic. 

And have been propositioned more than once whether I am lesbian or not. 

But that’s only half true, see above. 

I’m just a flamboyant male, trapped inside a female meat suit.

The flip side to this two-face coin, is I’m happy with who I am. 

Yes, I wish I was thinner, taller, 

That my teeth were straighter,

That my legs would shave themselves,

And my hair was always perfect.

But I’m comfortable in my own skin.

Much more so than others can say. 

“Can’t you dress more like a girl?”

Well yes, of course I can… It’s not that hard.

I can throw on a dress and parade about,

But will I be comfortable? Will it make me happy?

Doesn’t that go against how I feel right now?

Granted, sometimes I do enjoy it when I make that effort,

I will put on my finest dress and use the expensive makeup.

But it has to be on my terms, when I’m in that frame of mind.

Which these days are pretty rare.

People say “you don’t need labels”

And yes, that is true. Labels can do more harm than good. 

But it’s that construct of knowing that I’m not alone,

That there are others out there like me.

I’m just part of some bigger picture.