Prologue~Page 1

Please Critique my work :)

I took a deep breath, covering my bulging tummy possessively. My heart beat was to fast, I was so scared.

I knocked on my mothers door, unable to control the utter fear I was feeling. It was to early, I wasn’t ready for this even when my body said it was. I knocked more franticly praying she would be home, but it was a man that answered my call. I stumbled back, my mind was screaming for me to run. Run far, far away! I couldn’t move, couldn’t breath. We just stared at each other in total silence.

“Sharece?” my name was only a whisper, but it was mine nun the less.

He reached his arm out to me, stopping short and stared at the obvious protrusion of my midsection. For a moment I no longer felt the pain, I felt nothing. I was numb. He looked so heartbroken I almost wanted to comfort him, hold him and make all his pain bearable like he had for me.

The shocking pain was quickly reestablished and would have put me to my knees if he had not caught me. His hands were abnormally hot against my clammy skin, yet still gentle when he picked me up in his arms. My mom was already in the bathroom running hot water in a tub. We had talked about this. I knew what was suppose to happen, I shouldn’t be so panicked. But like hell I was!

I grabbed tight to my mothers sleeve when she walked to me, tears were streaming down my cheeks. “I’m scared mama. I don’t think I can do this…” Even at the age of nineteen I saw no reason not to call her mama, most people grew out of it, thought if they grew up “mama” wouldn’t be the right word. It was that moment I understood just how easy it was to be mama’s little girl again. Scared and afraid holding on to the comfort of protection, familiarity and most of all love.

“Now don’t ever say anything like that. You can, and you will do this. Just think about the baby.” She put her hand on my stomach and I put mine over hers taking all the strength I could from that small gesture. Turning to Elisha she frowned deeply and asked him to get towels and some water to drink. When he walked out the room I undressed and covered myself with a bed sheet. 

Author's Note

Because my chapters are really long I have decided to just publish it page by page... Hope you enjoy!

Reviews

[~By R.N.]

This is an interesting beginning and I can just feel the tension pouring out of the page. The piece is drowning in commas, however, and I feel as though you should turn some sentences into two.
Ex:
"I knocked on my mothers door, unable to control the utter fear I was feeling, it was to early, I wasn’t ready for this even when my body said it was."

What you could do is:
"I knocked on my mother's door, unable to control the utter fear I was feeling. It was too early; I wasn’t ready for this even when my body said it was."

Or:
"I knocked on my mother's door, unable to control the utter fear I was feeling. It was too early. I wasn’t ready for this even when my body said it was."

And similar sentences should be revised. Commas shouldn't be abused, my friend. But I really do feel as though you have something great here.

Another tiny mistake: “I’m scared mama’..." There's no need for the ' after mamma. Just a simple mistake.

A suggestion: Try adding space between new paragraphs or indenting so it won't appear as a blob. It's just my advice for a better structure for your story.

It's very intriguing and well described. You really have potential with this story. :)

[Wolfhilde]

I like it so far! I can't help you with grammar and that sorta thing, because my english sucks :P but as far as I know, this is well writen :) I want to read more!

[Max_E_Stone]

I really like this so far!!! :)

[Dr Ayaz chandio]

very well expressed ....and story is also nice ..keep it up dear.

[MandaBear]

Very awesome!

[AK]

Going very nicely! I loved your description and perfect spelling and grammar. I would love to read more of it!