The wild Father (by Toyraple).

an unfinished story based on the 70's america. the story tells about a father who is a leader of a mafia.

Daniel and couple of his underlings where waiting for Daniel's daughter to return from his date. Hidden by the dark of the night; in a black Mercedes; one of the goons cracks the window open to let out the smoke.

Daniel grins at the people in the back seats, “What’s wrong Axe? Can't handle the smokes?”

Axe faces the window, “Not really. Never really liked that s**t.”

The person next to Axe looks at his pocket watch, “Hey boss. Your little sweetheart is half an hour late. How along are we gonna wait for those two lovebirds?”

Daniel takes the cigarette out of his mouth, “Shut the f**k up Frank, it's always the same with you. You just can't stay still for a second, can you?”

Frank puts his watch pack to the inside pocket of his leather jacket, Daniel drops his cigarette bud to the floor of the car and lights another one. For a twenty or so minutes, everyone was quiet and the only thing keeping the silence at bay was the music played by the radio.

After a while Daniel leaned towards the person next to him, “Hey Gin, do you have any smokes on ya? I just ran out.”

Gin sighed and took a back of cigars out of his pants pocket, “Will these work? I know Alameda ain't really your thing, but that's all I got.”

Daniel growled a bit, took one cigar and lit it up, “I guess I'll have no choice.”

Axe rolled his eyes, “Pal! You have smoked more than fore packs of that s**t already, we all going to die because of you.”

Daniel mumbled while blowing out smoke, “Trust me, you guy's will die to 10mm bullets before lung cancer even gets to you.”

Axe crosses his arm's and grumbled. A couple walks across the other side of the street and go up to the house opposite to Daniel and his gang. Axe jumps up a bit, “Hey boss. Isn't that your doll right there?”

Everyone looks out of the car window, Gin states, “Yeah. That's definitely them.”

Samantha and her date enter the house opposite to the car they where in. Her date locks the door behind him with a hopeful look on his face; sealing Daniel's suspicion about something bad happening.

Daniel clears his throat, “Alright guys, exit the car quietly. Quietly, you hear me!”

The gang exits the car and walks up to the house Samantha and her date went to.

Author's Note

What do you like about the characters(from what you know of them at the moment).

Reviews

[Robert Vicens]

Practicing characterization is an important part of becoming a great writer. What worked: great turn taking skills for your character's speech.

What needs improvement: It seemed you wanted to create suspense and not reveal exactly why the characters were waiting in the car. It should have been revealed first and then built upon. In my opinion, that is.

Also, I had no idea that the main character was the father of the girl Samantha. The title was the only clue, and that's not enough, mate.

Other opportunities to characterize other than speech and cigarettes are clothing, tattoos, missing teeth, an accent, a character's thoughts about another character...

Keep it up! Keep writing! Keep writing! Keep writing!! You can do it!

[Toyraple]

Thank you for the great feed back. l'll work on getting better.