Invincible

Reflection on my near death experiences.

They say teenagers think they're invincible. That wasn't true for me.
By the time I had turned 13 I was living in a prison of my own making. I was, for the first time, stumbling into a downward spiral of depression and anxiety. I became afraid. I was no longer the same kid. I worried about every move I made. I was so caught up in my head that I would get hyper focused on my breathing, having to manually breathe in and out. I would sit their and think "oh God, I hope no one is watching me. I can't even breathe normal. I'm not sitting normal. How Do you sit normal? Why am I so tense? I must look so weird." No one was watching me breathe. Or sit. Or walk. 10 years later, I know that. But I didn't at the time.
I could never improve in ballet because I was constantly shaking, or too stiff to move freely, or I was busy hoping no one was watching me breathe....
In. Out. In. Out...
Not too fast! Inhale again, now you're breathing to slow! Oh God am I getting enough oxygen? Why cant I breathe!
In. Out. In. Out....
I quit. I was scared. But after years of dealing with mental illness, fear turned to anger. I shouldn't have to take a pill every morning just to function and a pill every night just to sleep... I was just a kid.
That anger set me free, to some extent. On my 17th birthday I jumped out of an airplane. I wasn't afraid. Ok, I was once we were in the plane waiting to jump, but that's it. I felt alive. Perhaps invincible. I can think back to at least a handful of occasions over my teen years that I'm lucky to have survived. But I didn't realize that until later. I never felt invincible as a kid. I felt Almost invincible as I realized how many times I had nearly cheated death. But then, at 23, the worst day of my life happened. Those same pills caused a horrible reaction in my brain. I blacked out for days. I remember nothing but I guess I was suicidal.. And then... I was hit by a train- well, I sat in front of a train.
I miraculously survived, and this time, I had Undoubtedly cheated death. I'm not paralyzed, and I'm not brain damaged. I barely even hit my head, my face was untouched. Recovery has been and still is awful but I'm so lucky to have sustained only physical injuries that wont leave me permanently disabled. In between the tears, the existential dread, and wondering why this had to happen to me, something keeps reminding me that I survived for a reason. I should have died that day. But I'm still here. At 23 years old, feeling 90 years old and barely able to leave my bed; I'm finally starting to feel invincible...