Chapter 1

The light was peaking over the mountain as the first sun was coming in that morning. I knew I had to move soon. I can hear all the miners and workers travelling across the village to start their daily job. I start to move to the edge of the hill to get a better view; I have now got the feeling back in my legs. I see my father and older brother walking across the village. It’s his first day in the mine. I grab my art books and head back home. I’m the youngest of the three of us. George, Lucy and me. Emerson.

I don’t feel like I am one of my dad’s children though, because I am so different. My mum died when I was three so I never really got to see what she was like. But everyone has told me she was beautiful and that her smile lights up the whole world. My sister said I was a mummy’s boy when I was little. Apparently I never left her side.

I’m near bakery now. I catch a glimpse of Lucy as she pulls back her hazelnut hair into a neat bun. She never really talks to me. Or notice me. She just glares at me in confusion when she sees me reading or painting. I try and stay out of her way most of the time, well out of everyone’s way. But sometimes that can be hard as I share a room with George. He and my father are always nagging me to join them in the mine. To me its just dangerous, dirty and dim. I just stay at home and get lost in the adventures of books and paintings.

My father never talks about my mum. I don’t know why. Something about how they had a big argument and feels it’s his entire fault… I have never seen a picture of my mum, I think my sister has a few but I dare to ask as every time I do she gets upset and tells me to leave. So I just paint her. How I would picture her and how people describe her, I write it down so I don’t forget then let my mind flow on the canvas. All of my paintings are hid under the bed at the moment as my father found a few on my bed and burnt them on the cold kitchen floor.

Reviews

[Ben Walker]

I found this a very immersing piece. I could create a great picture in my head, you've got fantastic potential and I'm looking forward to seeing this develop -- if indeed it does. As I do find that sudden ending to be very effective and quite distressing.

Regarding your writing I find it rather effective, you do however fall at the exact place I did when I started writing - if you read "http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/benswarlzwalker/1163929/" that was one of my first pieces and I have indeed tried to correct it but it TELLS emotions rather than SHOWING them and that's what I feel you do here. This articles explains in more detial http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show,_don%27t_tell -- bluntly it means show and describe your characters feelings rather than telling the reader.

Overall a great little piece full of detail, thanks for sharing :)

[TLK]

Excellent review, Ben.

[Tori Withington]

Thank you! You don't know how much that helped me. I had/have no idea or where to go with the story.
Thank you so much for taking time out to review it :)

[Sydney Dreama]

I think this is a wonderful start.At first it seemed a lot like other stories out there with the dead mother and the cold father. But there is something very different about Emerson that I liked.If you were to edit this piece or write more I would try adding details about Emerson or his life or the people in his life that are different. Like you did when you wrote about how his father burned the paintings. That was very powerful and it was something that really made the story stand out. I could not help but wonder if it was a si-fi piece or historical. Adding little things like that really helps the reader get a grasp on the story you are telling. rather you want it to be a thoughtful piece set in the mind and emotions or a piece that shows actions and reactions.
Very good piece and you show some very good strengths as a writer.

[Kristin Lee]

Tori, you've got great potential in this piece! The way you've got it writen I feel like you're talking to me, rather than relling me a story. But because I've experienced what your character has I understood, where others might not. You put a lot of heart into your words, and that is an important step. Words without heart are just words. You always want your readers to feel what you're talking about. The best way to fine tune and develop skills is to keep writing. Not everyone works off an outline...I don't. I hate them in fact. You could storyboard. Or, now that you have your characters laid out, you could create a list of qualities you want each character to have. That may help you picture a life for each one in your head. Once you can visualze your characters lives, their story will become more clear to you. Best of luck!

[TLK]

Typo in the fourth word -- do everything you can to keep the readers flowing through your writing.

Nothing is happening here -- as Ben has pointed out, you are TELLing us a lot but now SHOWING us much. All you show/describe is mountains -- and this story is about an out-of-place girl. I am wondering how she feels, how other people treat her, and how she spends her time.

What exactly is the direction in which you want to take this character? What is the conflict, what is the journey?