I Messed Up

A letter type poem

I messed up.

I lied, cheated and broke your heart.

I did things to you I swore I would never do to anyone.

Those things make me sick of myself, sick to my stomach, disgusted and scared of myself because I never thought I could be the person I have become.

I hurt you.

Sometimes I wish I could jump off a bridge and end this life that has become so foreign to me.

You say you'll never be able to trust me again... I don't know if I can trust myself.

I laugh sometimes because it's all I can do to keep from crying all the time and yet, even my laughter can not fill the empty space left in my heart by dishonesty.

I feel like less than a man.

I feel like someone who doesn't deserve to live as if when I cheated on you I cheated myself out of a lifetime of love and happiness, therefore life has no meaning for me anymore.

I stare at these pills and know that suicide is irrational, I know that people would never understand why I would end my life just because our relationship has come to an end.

Those people will never understand how much I loved you, how much it hurts me that I betrayed you and how painful each moment without you has become.

Living without you is definitely more painful than dying can ever be, but I should have known that before I cheated, before I jeopardized our life together, but I didn't. I was selfish and therefore deserve what I lost which is you.

As I swallow each pill I will shed a tear, not for me, but for us and for what could have been if I hadn't messed up.

Maybe in death I will find peace and somehow discover the meaning of life, which for me is you.

But then it will be too late for death is irreversible, so is what I did to you.

No amount of apologizing can ever erase the damage caused by my infidelity.

I know you'll miss me and maybe hate me for ending my life this way.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Please forgive me.

Reviews

[Katseye]

Pain lives on both sides of that coin Cheater/cheated. But with work the damage can be healed if both want to. Trust once broken is hard to re win, but not impossible. Unless the lesson is not learned.

[Lena]

WOW, Emotions ripped from the Gut!

[Coyote Poetry]

Yes we learn too late when we have something special in a life. A powerful poem. I could feel the disappointment and sadness in your words. A excellent poem. Thank you.
Coyote