Shadows of the Past

Aristella choked back tears as she stared down at her father’s grave. The air was frigid, but she paid no attention to it. Instead, she found herself talking to her dad mentally about her life and everything had happened in the past year. It was the day before her thirteenth birthday--and exactly a year after her father died.

She remembered the day like it was yesterday. Her dad had been on the way back from a work trip early so he could surprise her for her birthday, but he had met with a car accident on the way back. The car swerved, and he had fallen over one of the seashore bluffs that were so numerous on the coast of Maine.

She had received the news the next day... It had broken her. She had been holed up in her room for a month, only coming out because she had to eat. And she spoke to no one... Even after she had recovered and slowly started to speak again, she had remained silent and morose. She seldom smiled and never laughed. She knew that she shouldn’t stay in the pool of grief, but she couldn’t help it. Ari just couldn’t cheer up.

She swore as she felt a cold droplet hit her cheek. Looking up at the sky, she knew that it would start raining hard soon.

Taking one last look at the headstone, she ran inside the house.

* * *

Her uncle gave her a plate of snacks.

“Quite a storm outside, huh?”

Jacinth Bellum had been taking care of Aristella since her father died, as Aristella’s mother had died of childbirth. Even before her father had died, her uncle had been her favorite person in the world.

“Yup,” she replied morosely. “Stupid Maine weather.” She looked out the window and at the pattering rain, tracing the droplets’ paths with her fingers.

After a moment of silence, Jacinth tried to ease the tension, knowing that Aristella was sad. “Well, at least tomorrow’s a special day,” he winked.

Ari sighed. “It’s not gonna be the same without dad... Nothing ever will.”

“Don’t worry. Tomorrow’s going to be a day you’ll never forget. It is your thirteenth birthday, after all.”

Ari picked up her plate and dumped it in the sink, as she was done with the food.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot,” her uncle added as she headed out of the kitchen. “Here’s something... Your dad was saving it to give to you on your thirteenth birthday, but don’t open it until tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Ari managed a small smile. At least one piece of her dad still survived.

* * *

That night, her dad visited her in her dream. “Ari,” he said urgently. “Ari, you will be surprised tomorrow by the gift. But do not panic. Everything your uncle will tell you is true... You will know things you have never known before. You can open the gift when you want, but know this: you must open it in the next twenty-four hours, or it won’t work. If you don’t open it by then, we will be in grave danger.” His face was gray, ashen. He had never looked that way before...

“Dad?” Ari managed. “Is that... you?”

“Ari, I have to go now... I’m taking great risks, talking to you.” He looked around nervously, as if he was afraid he was being watched. “Don’t worry. I’ll see you soon.” Then he vanished, and Ari woke up.

She looked at the digital clock beside her bed. It was 12:00 AM--her birthday.

She knew it was foolish, that the gift was probably some bracelet or necklace, but she couldn’t help but pick up the gift. In the pale rays of moonlight shining through her window, the wrapping sparkled. In the daylight, the box had seemed ordinary, but now she could see it for what it truly was. It was beautiful, covered in a shimmering blue-green wrapping paper,n with silver ribbon wrapped around it. She was almost sorry to open it.

Slowly, she lifted off the top of the box off, and she gasped. Inside was a silver mist, and it rose to cover her...

* * *

There were strange symbols softly glowing on the wall... The mist had subsided, and Ari could see all sorts of things she hadn’t been able to see before.

She rubbed her eyes, but there was no difference. It had to be a dream. She was probably going to wake up soon... Maybe if she climbed into bed, the process would speed up.

Reviews

[Amaya Sullivan]

Your first paragraph is nicely written as far as description. However, your setting isn’t clear here. I thought Ari was at the cemetery, but this sentence:

“Taking one last look at the headstone, she ran inside the house.”

Is her father’s grave in her backyard? Does she live close to the cemetery where he is buried? Depending on where her father is buried, running back into the house appears impossible.

Would Ari react differently to this? It seems like she would have more than just a smile. Also, what is the gift he gave her? an envelope? I would re-word it to having her Uncle pulling something out of somewhere he had been keeping it. Plus, we don’t find out what it is until the end. Show us readers where it was. In his pocket? In the cabinet or cupboard? Under the table? Out of thin air? ^_^

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot,” her uncle added as she headed out of the kitchen. “Here’s something... Your dad was saving it to give to you on your thirteenth birthday, but don’t open it until tomorrow.”

Character development is the key. Would she feel somewhat happy by the gift? Or would she have the opposite personality since she is already coping with the lost of her father? I would think she would feel a mix of the two. Ari could take on the feeling of surprised, shock, and frustration all mixed into one.

You have a great first chapter. I would consider your story be a little more showing and descriptive (I’m working on this as well). You described the moon very well “…pale rays of moonlight…” very little description, so I was able to see the moonlight beaming into a window of a room.

It seems like you can see it very vividly, and I think writing it in first person would help you draw those description out. Replace Ari with yourself. You will be surprised how your writing changes.

Are you keeping a written journal? A journal is very helpful when it comes to fantasy writing. It could be anything a steno pad, 3 subject notebook, or one of those leather bound journals from the bookstore. Write down everything and anything that comes to mind in it.

I would start with your characters as they drive the story. Develop their personalities here. You already mentioned a little about Ari. What does she look like? Is she short tempered? Friendly? What about Jacinth? What is he like? What does he do? How close is he to Ari? How well did he know Ari’s father? What does he look like?

The features of your characters are told sparingly throughout the chapter. I know it’s a long review, but I see great potential for this soon to be book. You are off to a great start though. I look forward to reading more from you.

Good luck and keep writing!

[Marcus Parks]

I gotta give some tough love here. First, keep in mind that I'd never discourage a writer from writing, and I think every story has lots of merit and should be told, what matters is how you tell it and I didn't feel this was very actively told. It seemed like you just kind of glossed over everything instead of giving it the attention to detail that it could use. There's not much told about the time period we're in or the setting. It might be more accurately told if it was done from a first person perspective. Good luck, and I hope that helps!

[Aristella Bellum]

Thanks for your feedback!