AlwaysA Story by Tony DM Hayward What happens when you know the woman you love could never love you back This story is a love story about an aspiring and creative man. But this love story isn’t quite like any other, of course it has its boy falls in love, boy tries to win girl’s heart, and it even has love lost and pain. But this story is different, it’s different because...well, we’ll get to that in a moment. So the gentleman in this story is named Clay, just your average man to whom has lived a life of joy and pain, not far off to anything anyone else has experienced. His story begins the beginning of summer a month before his eighteenth birthday, and it begins with a girl...doesn’t it always begin with a girl. It was the year 2007 and Clay had just broke up from college where he studied performing arts; he was talking with a friend online that he hadn’t seen since he left school. They chatted for a good hour or two, talking about the usual stuff. And then before Clay had said goodbye to his friend, she offered for him to meet up that week with her and another of his old school mates. Of course Clay accepted, it would make a great start to the summer, to catch up with old friends. The plan was to meet up on that Thursday because there was an underage club on that day in which his friends were attending. All Clay knew was that he was going to stay at his old friends place that night, but before that they were meeting up with a number of different people who would be joining them clubbing. And so it all began. Clay met up with his friend from school, whose name was Charlotte and her other friend too. They met up at a pub and then soon moved on to meet Mike, who was Clay’s oldest friend and the one he will be staying at his place. It was weird seeing him again Clay thought, he had changed so much. With Mike were two others that Clay did not know, they were introduced and whilst walking back to Mike’s flat Clay got to befriend one of them. It was an energetic girl named Jaz, and they spoke the whole journey, until finally they were all relaxing at Mike’s place. Whilst at Mike’s place Clay got to know all of Mike’s friends as well as catching up with his two school mates. A little before they were heading out to the club, Clay got a surprise. Yet another old school mate turned up on the door step, her name was Claire and was also an old girlfriend of his. The lot of them headed out to the club, all walking through town like a herd of hyenas. Clay was again talking with Jaz as they walked; she explained that even more people would be joining them. They were two female friends of Jaz’s that they were meeting on the way; they were to meet them at McDonalds. These females were both only sixteen years old and just out of school, as was Jaz. As they neared the meeting location Clay could indeed see two figures waiting in the distance, when they got close enough Clay were introduced to the two females. Their names were Laura and Lizzie and they both seemed a little shy. Laura had the friendliest smile, a dark haired girl who was slightly on the chubbiest side, but who would soon become a close friend. And Lizzie was ever shyer; she had ginger hair with gorgeous piercing eyes of green, and this girl would be the one girl to change Clay’s life forever. The night started out good, they all made it to the club where they found themselves seats that wrapped around in a half moon shape. Most of them danced while Clay and others sat for a while and talked. As Clay got to know all the new people he felt very friendly towards them, Laura was cuddly and talkative and Lizzie’s squeaky laugh amused Clay somewhat. However the situation didn’t truly arise any chance of new romance like Clay always hoped in this new situations, or at least not of yet. Soon he found himself being dragged up onto the dance floor where he danced most of the night away, before returning finally to chill out on the seats. The rest of the night Clay spent chatting to everyone whilst cuddled up with Laura and Jaz his new friends. When the night ended everyone was saying goodbye, many of them were returning with Clay and Mike to stay at Mike’s flat, but a few was leaving to go home. Laura, Jaz and Lizzie were leaving and before they went they hugged everyone goodbye. Being friendly Clay also hugged them goodbye, but when it came to hugging Lizzie something strange happened. Clay felt a strong pull towards this girl, suddenly he felt like he wanted to always be hugging her and never wanted to let go. As he looked at this girl and spoke his words goodbye he suddenly discovered that he had feelings for her. Clay mentioned that they should all do it again the following week, it would be a good excuse to see her again, and of course Lizzie was happy with this too. That night Clay returned to Mike’s place with some of the others and had a good fun night laughing and messing around. Clay felt good about that week, the people he had met and the new friends he now had. He was defiantly looking forward to the next week were they had planned to do it again. But much to his disappointment Clay discovered that not everyone was turning up, mainly Lizzie. Clay didn’t let this worry him or spoil his night, the gang had just as much fun as they did the last time and Clay enjoyed himself regardless of whether Lizzie was presence or not. In fact the night was a success that Mike even offered to do it again the following week, he explained that many stayed over his flat often, so Clay was happy that he could get another chance to meet the innocent and squeaky Lizzie. Just after the weekend Clay was talking over the internet with one of his new friends and was chatting about meeting up again, but as he mentioned Lizzie’s name he discovered something that would potentially break his heart. Suddenly the girl he was talking to told him that she was with Lizzie over the weekend and that she and Mike had hooked up, and now they were together. Clay couldn’t believe it, just as he wanted to get to know Lizzie; she was stolen away from him by none other than his oldest friend. As far as Clay knew Mike had no interest in Lizzie, yet he now was mysteriously in a relationship with her. Indeed this hurt Clay some; he had Lizzie in mind as a potential lover, he wanted to get to know her closely. Clay felt sad now but chose to let it go, he thought to himself that it was no great loss. But he knew no better, for Clay would find out just how deep he had fallen for Lizzie. It was that week Clay found himself sleeping over at Mike’s flat again, but this time Lizzie and Laura would also be there, along with others. Clay found himself in a situation where he was watching mike and Lizzie together, always cuddling and kissing. Eventually Clay subtly brought up the question on how they got together and found out that it simply started out as a dare, but then they decided to give it a go for real. Clay was shocked and ever more hurt, the whole night he discovered that he wouldn’t be able to let her go, that he felt too strongly for this girl, and so that night it was revealed that Clay was surely doomed. The weeks following was like a ritual, Clay, Lizzie and Laura stayed over Mike’s place once a week, but it began being only the four of them. And then they also began staying over at Laura’s house, which is where they celebrated Clay’s eighteenth birthday. Clay and Lizzie barely hung out together alone without Mike or Laura being there too, which meant they never truly spoke to each other personally, it was always within a group. Because Lizzie and Mike were coupled off, Clay found himself always talking with and being alone with Laura. He grew close to her, talking about their different lives, about their thoughts and feelings. Clay and Laura became close friends and Clay had even confided in her about the way he felt for Lizzie. And during all the time the four of them spent together Clay’s feelings continued to grow for Lizzie, he continued to suffer in silence as he watched his best friend hold her close, and Lizzie continued to never know how clay felt. These weeks turned into months, the four spent much time together and much to Clay’s dismay, Lizzie and Mike grew way too close as a couple. The two became almost inseparable; a force that seemed like it would never break apart. Over this time Clay found a new passion in writing, inspired by all his emotion built inside he began writing short stories. It became a hobby of his that allowed him to express everything he thought or felt onto paper. Eventually the time he spent with the three turned into fewer moments together, when the college year started up again most of their time was spent focused on that. They all got together now and then over the next year for more sleepovers, but it became a couple of times a month. Until finally there was a huge few months gap where neither saw each other for some time, or at least they never spent a day together as a four. The only time they did cross paths was when Clay would see them on the odd occasion at the same college, but it was never more than that. . . . And so it became almost two years later from the time Clay first saw Lizzie, it was towards the end of February 2009. The group had agreed to catch up since they hadn’t had a sleepover in months, and Clay also agreed. Clay was in fear that Lizzie and Mike’s relationship was still going strong, in fact it was on his mind all that week, until finally the day came. Clay got ready for the night in which he was sure he would dread and began making his way across town to Laura’s house. When he arrived his nightmares were confirmed, Mike and Lizzie was still together. Clay wanted to cry then and here, but instead he did what he does best and that was to pretend everything was fine and dandy. They all joined in conversation and laughter, throughout the day they talked and watched films. When it came the time to go asleep Clay wasn’t tired at all, which wasn’t good because he had to get up early for work the next day. Laura had a queen size bed which they all shared; this wasn’t uncommon for them as they have slept in the same bed many times before. So when Mike, Laura and Lizzie finally went to sleep Clay decided that he would stay up and watch more movies, despite the fact that he should really be going to bed himself. A couple of films later Clay casually looked over to his right to see Laura lying soundly beside him, he then looked to his left and saw a sleeping Mike and finally next to Mike was sweet Lizzie. It was always the same positions when they had their sleepovers, with the occasional swapping sides between Clay and Laura, but Clay never got the chance to sleep next to his beloved Lizzie. As Clay watched Lizzie sleep he was reminded of his feelings for her, he loved everything about that girl, even her faults and imperfections, and also the fact that she slept with her mouth wide open. While Lizzie laid sleeping Clay’s thoughts wandered, he wandered if Mike or Lizzie even knew that he loves and has loved her for the past two years. Clay looked at Lizzie and again at Mike and right at that point Clay suddenly got hit with a good concept for a story, and so he began writing down the idea so he could get to writing the story when he found time. That night Clay actually couldn’t sleep what so ever, he ended up staying up all night and left in the early morning without being heard. About a month later Clay was half way through writing his short story when he found out some shocking news, Lizzie and Mike had broken up. It was shocking because he thought they would never split up, but it seemed it wasn’t truly meant to be and although a part of him felt sorry for Lizzie’s lost, there was a bigger part of him that felt joy that she was no longer someone else’s but free for him to love. Clay couldn’t stop thinking that this could mean that he would have a shot at being with her, but instead of pushing it he would try and let things fall into place. A couple of more weeks later Clay finished writing his short story and entitled it Biting The Bullet, he was pleased with how it turned out because it expressed every hidden emotion he had for Lizzie. Shortly after he wrote this Clay went back on his own promise of not pushing it with Lizzie, he would make a mistake of letting her know just what she really meant to him. The following day after Clay had finished writing his story, it was planned that he and Lizzie was staying over at Laura’s house, and because Mike and Lizzie were no longer together Mike wouldn’t be there. It was a Wednesday and eight days into April. Clay was excited that he would no longer be seeing Lizzie and Mike together; he felt that even if he didn’t get together with Lizzie, at least he will still be at ease knowing that. Clay was right, although the day was awkward because they were so use to being together as a four, at least Clay didn’t feel the pain he usually felt when watching the woman he loved be with another man. The day was pretty normal; they spent it talking, watching TV and films. But when it came to bed time things would feel extremely different. Up to this date Clay had always slept one person apart from Lizzie or within separate beds, but tonight that would change. All three settled down in Laura’s bed, nothing different then what they had done so many times before, only now it went Laura to one side, Clay in the middle and Lizzie to the other side. This meant that Clay would feel the warmth of Lizzie being so close to her. Nerves built inside of him, his only thoughts were of this girl he loved was sitting not an inch away. The three watched another movie before going to sleep and by the end of the film they found themselves lying close together stroking each other’s hair. It was dark and the only light was the soft lighting coming from the TV. Clay lay facing Lizzie, his hand softly stroked the side of her face and his fingers ran through her fine hair, all the while Laura was stroking his own hair. Clay’s mind was spinning; his thoughts were that her skin was so soft. He felt like that moment had frozen, as if Laura wasn’t lying behind him, it was just them. He was hoping that Lizzie was feeling just as close to him as he was to her. He had never in his life felt so close to someone before, yet so far apart at the same time. There were times that Clay was thinking she was flirting back, but then he would tell himself ‘don’t be stupid’. He thought that she could always be innocently playing back, like friends do, or it may be because it’s something he wishes would happen that’s making him think it’s coming true. Clay knew inside it was far too soon for her to move on after Mike, even if by some miracle she may actually have feelings for him, she had only finished with her boyfriend weeks ago. Clay sometimes believed it be best if he stayed away from Lizzie, because he felt trapped in a cave of having feelings for her and being scared to do anything about it or even tell her encase it complicated things for her. He wanted to just kiss her and see how she really felt, though he not the courage to do such a thing. But he couldn’t stay away, it proved too hard. Even through the struggles he wanted to be around her beauty, her goodness, to just feel the emotions he had for her. Clay knew it came down to just two options, and eventually he would have to choose. The first being he could tell her how he felt. Then if she didn’t feel the same and wanted to be friends, he could either move on and it may just be easier being friends now that it would be all out in the open, or let her know it was too unbearable being around her and never see her again. Or the second option would be to do and say nothing, keep quiet and suffer in silence, forever pretending that he was happy being friends. But how would Clay choose such a hard decision. Which one was the right choice? The truth, or the lie? These questions and emotions followed Clay long into the day after, a day he spent many thoughts on the subject. It was as if he was being reminded that he couldn’t escape from his feelings for Lizzie, especially now that she was single. One day, and fearing that it would be much sooner then he would like; he would have to let her know exactly how he felt towards her. Clay was still sat up late the next night; he could still feel the touch of Lizzie’s skin lingering on his finger tips. He felt as though it would be the only time he would ever be closest to her. A short insight of what it would feel like to be with her and boy did it feel exquisite. It was the strongest emotion Clay had ever felt in his years and something he thought he will never forget. And all he was doing at the time was lying next to her slowly stroking her face. But even so, even though he knew she will never feel the same as he does, it still was a perfect moment. But Clay knew she was a girl he would add to the list of failures, and he was only proven right. Clay had decided to text Lizzie telling her the truth, only to receive the answer he predicted. Within her reply was a term many people use, friends, a word Clay had hated hearing for many years now. Again he replays the moment with Lizzie in his head, of him running his fingers through her hair, of feeling her smooth skin. And he begins to wander now. Is her reply a blessing? Or a curse? Clay steps outside in the early hours of the morning, something feels different and he knew what. Above his head he saw that the sky was covered in black, heavy and dark clouds. The sadness filled the sky as though it was reflecting on the way Clay felt. He smelt the damp air and stared into the belly of the beast. Somehow Clay felt he had an effect on the weather, it was like looking into a mirror for his emotions. He knew then, as the wind hit his face, that he would have to stay away from Lizzie...or as much as he could. And right at that very moment, he made that choice. About a month later Clay would come to realise just how much he can’t resist Lizzie, although it’s been this long he knew it couldn’t last, and again he was right. He knew that he couldn’t stay away from Lizzie when he, Lizzie, and many more friends went out for drinks at their favourite pub. During that evening he knew she was slowly killing him, and so he wanted to tell her that night that he no longer wanted to see her. But as always he knew his plans never fall through, especially when it came to girls, because the night ended and he still never told her what he was feeling. But he would get that chance again, for they were going out to the same pub again the following Saturday. When that Saturday came, Lizzie got drunk, so drunk in fact that it seemed she didn’t know what was happening around her. But it was because she doesn’t usually drink. It happened after hours of Clay talking to her about her relationship with Mike, he was curious of how and why they split, so that he could get to understand her better. Clay guessed she was feeling emotional thinking about Mike and so that is why she was drinking more than she usually would have. This left Laura and Clay to look after Lizzie, especially considering she banged her head messing around. Clay really wanted to look after her, he wanted to protect her. He suggested they take her outside for some fresh air, where they sat down on the grass out back; here Clay was trying to keep Lizzie from fallen asleep. Clay asked Laura to go back inside to see if she could get a glass of water, whilst Laura was gone Lizzie subtly kissed Clay on the left cheek a couple of times. He knew it was the drink talking but Clay couldn’t stop hoping that it came from deep inside her, her true feelings she didn’t know herself. But at the same time he knew this wasn’t true. After sorting out a place for Lizzie to stay, Clay then walked Laura home, all the time they had a deep and meaningful conversation. Clay knew that night what he had always known deep inside, that he would never stay away from Lizzie; he needed her in his life. After all, he thought, he would only being seeing her for another year. One more painful year, and then she will be gone off to University. .
. . Two months later and everything would change, but not for the better. By now Clay had completed his years at college and graduated with a BTEC National Diploma in Performing Arts. And after the students went on their end of the year holiday with college to Disney Land Paris, Clay had come back with a new love interest. Weeks after breaking up from college, within the beginning days of July, Clay and his interest finally got together. Clay and his new girlfriend was still going strong a month later, by this time Clay had also lost his virginity to another girl and his girlfriend was his second. Clay had been trying to move on from Lizzie and for a long while it had worked, but a month down the line and Clay slowly rediscovered his feelings for Lizzie. It was on the last Tuesday in July when Clay met up with Lizzie and spent the whole day with her at her house. It was just the two of them, and Clay realised that it was in fact the very first time within the two years he knew her that they had spent real time together alone. And to Clay, it felt great. They had fun playing games on the Wii, the new console, and by the end of the day they had even had a close and personal conversation. They talked about the real reason why Lizzie’s relationship ended with Mike, and how it made her feel after. Clay found himself giving her comfort while she cried on his shoulder. The only thing Clay felt bad about that day, was that after spending time with her he knew that he may never stop having feelings for her. And so when it came to Clay’s girlfriend, he had been thinking recently and especially after that day with Lizzie, that he knew what it felt like to feel something more for someone than he did his girlfriend. Clay knew that he liked his girlfriend a lot, but he didn’t think that it would ever grow to love. Which means that the relationship felt like it wouldn’t lead anywhere, and Clay knew it would end before long. Under a week later, Saturday 1st August, Clay, Laura and Lizzie decided it was about time they all went out for drinks at the pub they liked so much. It was only the three of them but they didn’t care, they gladly dove into conversation whilst they drank. As time passed someone mentioned playing a drinking game, and as more time went by somehow by the end of the game it developed into the three of them kissing. It started with Clay daring the girls to kiss, and then he had kissed Laura, and then eventually Lizzie. And this continued for some time. It was a funny feeling though, Clay thought, he had been waiting two years to kiss Lizzie. He desired it, dreamt about it. But within this night he would say it didn’t count. But the story didn’t stop there, oh no, it would only get more complicated. Clay asked the girls when they would be going out again because he had such a good time, and a few days later they arrived at the pub. It was a Monday and the three of them was now joined by Terry, Laura’s recent boyfriend, and Chris his friend. That night after many drinks they began their game they played a couple of nights ago, only without the kissing. Eventually they got on to a new game, one many called I Never, which consisted of each giving a situation they never did whilst the others all drank if they had done such a thing. It was at this point things began to get...confusing. Clay was sat next to Lizzie and half way through the game he felt himself getting braver and more confident, something in which the drink had much to do with. Clay slowly and nervously began to reach his hand over to Lizzie’s lap, he gently rest his palm on one of her legs. After a while, when he got no rejection from Lizzie, Clay then persisted to gently stroke the leg his hand was upon. At the time Lizzie’s own hands were rested in her lap, and as Clay’s hand got closer and closer to hers, his stroking of her leg suddenly became him stroking her hand. The best part about it was that Lizzie was responding by stroking his hand too, making Clay feel special inside, happy even. But although she was responding in such a good way, Clay still passed it off to it being just the drink. The five were having such a good time that night that they all agreed that they did not want the night to end there, in response Terry had offered for them all to return back to his place where they can continue through the night. Although Lizzie had work early the next day, and Clay had to get back also, they both said they would still go. And so with a lift agreed upon by Chris, Terry’s friend, they all set off back to Terry’s house for the night. In the car along the way Clay and Lizzie continued holding hands, with her in the front seat and he behind her, Clay’s hand rested over her shoulder and Lizzie held on. This was a little odd Clay thought, coming from a girl who had not long told him she just wanted to be friends. Again he shrugged it off as the drink talking, but then again, they were sobbing up right. After more talks and watching a movie that ended shortly because Laura and Terry were tired, Clay found himself alone with Lizzie. They both finally settled down on the sofa to watch a film, SpongeBob the movie. Lizzie was in and out of sleep and Clay couldn’t help watching her, how could he not? Being so close to her made him nervous. Eventually the movie ended and the two found themselves lying down cuddled up to each other talking away. Clay felt great, having her in his arms and her accepting him. Clay was leaning on his left hand now looking down at Lizzie as they spoke, with Lizzie’s glistening eyes staring back at him. Somehow, unconsciously to them both, Clay discovered that his right hand had come to rest upon Lizzie’s stomach. Her top was pushed up and Clay was evidently softly stroking her open stomach, the best part he thought was that she didn’t even seem to mind. As they talked, they spoke of friendship and relationships, such things like Lizzie’s last relationship with Clay’s best friend. She told Clay of how she was never one to get close to men, especially now after how terrible her relationship with Mike ended, she told him that she would never let anybody be doing such things as letting a man stroke her stomach. Lizzie spoke of feeling close to Clay and how much she liked being friends with him. But it was that word again that Clay didn’t want to hear, not from the mouth of Lizzie at least. How can one feel so close and yet so far away he thought? They talked more but it wasn’t long when Clay could not hold back any longer. He knew not how it happened, or why he even risked it, but Clay suddenly found himself kissing Lizzie’s forehead. She smiled at him, and he smiled back. Their faces was ever so close, Clay could feel her warmth on his skin, her body pressing on his. Clay then dared another kiss, this one being on her cheek, and then quickly another. Lizzie said nothing and so Clay continued on, kisses that lead to her neck and collar-bone. Eventually he moved to her ear, where there he nibbled and teased her with his mouth. Clay looked back at Lizzie, who stared him down. And with a moment that Clay could never have predicted, Lizzie attacked him with a kiss on the lips. It was a kiss like no other, the passion and need. As Clay kissed her back, he finally felt wanted by Lizzie. But what did this mean; it couldn’t be the drink as they were completely sobbed up. He knew not what this meant but neither did he care, for Clay was lost to the world. ‘This time last year, did you ever think we would be kissing like this?’ Clay whispered to Lizzie, who also replied in a whisper. ‘No’ they continued to speak in between kisses. ‘What about last week, did you ever believe we would be doing this?’ ‘Maybe’ Lizzie replied. The two continued kissing in an affectionate frenzy, and as they did Clay found his hands roaming Lizzie’s fine body. Clay feels her skin beneath his finger tips as he caresses her skin, the feel of smooth velvet. He continues to stroke his way down her side, until his hand glides over her waist and grips her in a tight passionate embrace. Lizzie responded with a hard kiss, sexual emotions building, before she begins kissing her way down his neck. Clay’s hand moves over her stomach once more, and before he could decide what to do next, he felt Lizzie’s own hand guiding his. She took his hand in hers and began sliding it up until Clay was massaging her firm breast. They continued their attack on each other and in that moment Clay felt as though he was in Heaven and Hell at the same time. He thought why now? Why was this happening when he had a girlfriend? This was something he had been dreaming about for two years and it was completely different then he had thought it would be. It was not the perfect kiss you would have hoped for, but one that let Clay know he couldn’t have her. Something he had always known, only now the kiss confirmed it. This seemed to go on forever, never really developing into anything more than a make out session. Although their emotions were high and sexual tension had built, neither truly had the guts to take it further. The touching had subsided and the kissing slowed to a stop. Accept the constant repeat from Lizzie, telling Clay she just wanted to be friends, both never spoke of that moment nor did they talk of what it meant. They both settled into talking again and they continued that way, snuggled up on that sofa, until the morning sun woke. Two days later Clay found himself writing, inspired by his memories of that very night. By now he had wrote many things, including stories and poems. This one he called A Love That Is Chipped: If you have waited two
whole years, being in love with someone, and not just puppy love but true,
butterflies in your stomach love. Then what do you do when the day comes when
she kisses you? How do you prepare yourself for that? And what is worse, what
do you do about it when you finally have a girlfriend? Nothing! There is no
answer. Now way out. You are forever stuck in a time you wish you hadn’t come
to. A cross road. No decision is right or wrong. No choice you make will
benefit anyone. But there comes a time where you
must make choice, between what is right, and what is easy. Life is a funny thing, not long after Clay had wrote this down of what he was thinking and feeling, he received a text from his girlfriend explaining that she was breaking up with him. The reason being that things didn’t feel like they were going anywhere, Clay of course had agreed it was what he had been thinking too. But this was such a weird coincidence Clay thought, especially after what had happened within the last few days. Call it an act from God, Clay’s personal Angel, fate, call it what you like. Clay felt like something in the universe was at work, and after all that had happened he knew not how it would play out. But he did know that Lizzie had asked to be friends, so for now he planned to let things fall into place on their own, because for Lizzie he would gladly wait another two years. Clay didn’t have to wait long, not long anyway until the next time he would be able to feel her touch once more. A week later from that special night, Clay found himself staying over at Terry’s house again alone with Lizzie. It was a Tuesday night on 11th August and the reason they had stayed over Terry’s was because the both of them, along with Terry and Laura, had all arrange a trip to Alton Towers the next morning. This night, like the one a week previous, would both shock and haunt Clay for time to come. Again Laura and Terry disappeared to his room upstairs and left Clay and Lizzie to find a comfortable spot to sleep for the night. Somehow, someway, the two found themselves making out again. It was like looking into a mirror, a repeat of the week before. They both gave in to the desire of the passion they felt between them, despite what Lizzie had said before about wanting to stay friends. Before long Lizzie said she needed to change for bed, Clay feeling lazy had said he would not look and even hold the covers up over his head. Lizzie agreed and as Clay covered his eyes Lizzie began to change, Clay waited until he heard Lizzie tell him it was ok to look again but when he did he was surprised at what he saw. Clay pulled the covers back down and stood there was a semi-naked Lizzie, in only her underwear. He didn’t know what to think as Lizzie began to walk to him and then planted another kiss on his lips. Clay pulled her close so that she now sat on his lap and they continued to kiss with a fiery passion. His hands rubbed up and down her back intensely, he then brought his hands to her hips and squeezed her sexually. A thought occurred to him just then, if he let it happen the possibility of them actually having mad passionate sex was very high. But another thought occurred, something like this would have more of an effect on Lizzie than it would him and not in a good way. He knew somehow that tomorrow and for a long time Lizzie would always regret it if they would to go through with it. And so Clay, trying to do the right thing, looked up to Lizzie and said. ‘We can’t do this’ ‘I know’ was all Lizzie replied. And that was that, again as though mirroring the week previous, the kissing slowed with burst of desire coming out every so often and eventually they settled down snuggling upon the sofa. Before long they were both sleeping soundly, Clay falling asleep with emotions of happiness and confusion. In the morning the four of them were well on their way to Alton Towers, Terry was driving while Laura rode shotgun, and Lizzie and Clay sat waiting excited in the back seat. Sometime later they had arrived at their destination, as they got out the car they all contemplated on what to wear encase the weather was bad. The two lads figured they wouldn’t want their jumpers, and the ladies stayed indecisive. Clay asked Lizzie if she wanted to wear his grey hoodie and she decided it would be a good idea, just the thought of having her wear his jumper made Clay feel good, as though they were a couple. Laura also wore Terry’s jumper. The four decided on heading for the closest rollercoaster first, their plan was to hit all the big rollercoaster’s at least once before they left. Clay felt good, the day was fun and it was a good feeling being with friends. But the best part of the day was Lizzie; Clay continued to take chances with her because after all he had nothing to lose. When they were in line for the next ride Clay reached his hands around Lizzie’s waste and hugged her from behind. She didn’t pull away or tear his hands off of her; instead she squeezed his arms and held on tight. They stayed this way until they got on the ride, and again when they were in line for the next, as they hugged Clay subtly kissed her cheek and neck when Laura and Terry wasn’t looking. Lizzie played along and the two of them flirted throughout the day, they had even trailed behind at one point and ended up kissing. Towards the end of the day Clay got his biggest surprise yet, something would happen that would make Clay never once forget this day for the rest of his life. When they were waiting in line for a rollercoaster Clay was stood behind Lizzie looking around very casually, out of the blue and astonishing him Clay felt Lizzie reach behind her grabbing his hands and pulling them around her waist. It shocked Clay and made him question her intensions, but most of all it made Clay’s stomach fill up with butterflies that felt like they were going to burst out at any moment. Eventually as the line moved they became parted from one another, but a little later Clay felt Lizzie’s hand again. This time she had reached to the side of her and held onto Clay’s hand. Her fingers interlocked with Clay’s, she held on tight and Clay gave her a little squeeze. Lizzie looked at him and smiled, and Clay smiled back with all the love in the world. It seemed Lizzie was now the one making the moves, and when this happened Clay felt joy and gleefulness inside. But he had to ask himself, even if he didn’t want to or didn’t know the answer, he had to ask himself. Even though she had made the first move herself a couple of times, was Lizzie just using him for compassion? Was he what they considered the rebound guy? Or does she, by some small miracle, feel something for him but just doesn’t know it? Clay pondered on this, he felt confident that no matter what, he had accepted the worse possibility, and therefore he figured he wouldn’t be heartbroken in the end. But for now he would simply enjoy whatever it is they had, a friendship with benefits? On the car ride home the seating position was the same, in the back Lizzie had fallen asleep and Clay was happy watching her. As he stared at her beauty he was reminded of a dream he had but a few nights before, a dream where Lizzie had emotionally asked why he loved her. Looking at her now he answered such a question, writing it down in his mobile phone: I don’t know why I love you, I
just do. I have all these feelings for you that I know transcends anything I’ve
ever felt for anyone before, and ever will...I love the way you open up to me,
that you feel safe enough with me like you haven’t been able to do with any
other boy. I love how you fit perfectly in my arms, or how you pout when you
don’t get your own way. I love the way you catch flies when you’re sleeping.
And I love the fact you never take what you want, even when you know you want
it, and you deserve to have it. But if you really want to know why I love you,
then just look inside you own heart, because that’s where you’ll find the same
kind of love. Three days later Clay spent some alone time with Laura, their friendship was close and had been for two years since they were forced together when Lizzie and Mike were a couple. It was a time that allowed them to catch up on such a relationship. They visited the local cinema where they watched the new released film called The Time Travellers Wife, which turned out to be a great movie Clay thought. The contents of the film was romance and drama, and by the end of the film it got Clay thinking about such things, as he walked Laura into town to catch her bus they talked. The conversation consisted of mainly Clay’s situation with Lizzie, he spoke about his love for her and the thoughts he’d been having, Laura responded with her own relationship with Terry and she told him of her own thoughts about love. Laura explained to him about what she thought of the situation between him and Lizzie, Clay agreed with it all, she then told him what she thought love meant. Clay talked to her about love too, about how he thought people try to explain it but that you can’t, that to him it’s within a kiss. As the words were spilling out of his mouth, as he was remembering everything he believed in, it dawned on him. He knew deep down that Lizzie doesn’t love him; he could feel it in her kiss, in her eyes. And if she could ever learn to have feelings for him, he knew that it would never be at the same level as him, or come remotely close to what she had with Mike. He felt as though she was just using him for compassion, to simply feel something, anything. It was what it was and that was a rebound fling. As they continued to walk and talk Clay realised that it was time for him to step up, be the bigger man and call whatever it was they were doing off. They had both got what they needed out of it and so he knew now it was time he ended it. And so that is exactly what Clay did when he returned home, he texted Lizzie explaining they should just go back to being friends. Lizzie agreed. Before Laura had caught the bus home she had mentioned something about knowing the moment you fall in love with someone, the smells, the people, and the surroundings. When Clay pondered on this he tried thinking back to when he fell for Lizzie. And like a light-bulb going off in his head he realised that it was right from the very first day he met her, when he first met her Clay didn’t know what to think of her but it was at the end of day that it happened. The exact moment Clay hugged her, held her in his arms, he knew then that he wanted to be holding her in his arms always. Although Clay had called things off with Lizzie he would find the temptation too much. His plans would fold once again, but by the end of it he would come out different. Five more days later the gang was ready to go out to the pub once more, it started out with Lizzie and Clay hanging out for the day and soon they were meeting up with friends. They met up with Laura and Terry and eventually with Jaz; they were all planning on going to the pub, but when Terry parked his car they decided on wasting a bit of time looking in a big shop nearby. The shop was Toy’s R Us and the gang wandered around aimlessly for some time, not long after they entered Lizzie was heading straight towards the toilets with Clay accompanying her. After Clay had finished his business he left the toilets and found Lizzie waiting for him, they began walking but something had come over Clay and he stopped Lizzie from going any further. Clay grabbed Lizzie’s arm, swung her around and gentle pushed her up against the wall so that he now had her in a tight embrace. They both smiled and it didn’t take much convincing for either of them before they locked in a kiss. Afterwards they continued on like normal, until sometime later when they were on the way to the pub. The whole group was travelling towards their favourite pub when Clay and Lizzie found themselves way in front. It seemed with all their talking that they had walked too fast for the others to keep up, so they decided on stopping and waiting for the rest to catch up. In this time Clay teased Lizzie by asking for another kiss, they played with each other with flirty smiles. Lizzie said no at first but then checking on how far the others were she pushed Clay back into the alley nearby, here she planted a much needed kiss upon his waiting lips. The evening didn’t end there; it went right on into the night where the friends laughed and drank. During some of this time Laura, Terry and Jaz was teasing Lizzie that a guy across the room liked her, they egged her on saying she should go and talk to him. Even Clay, much to his own surprise, joined in and said it would be good for her to get out there and start dating again. Lizzie took on the challenge and spent some time away from the gang talking to the guy, and Clay watched them laughing with a painful emotion inside, jealousy. He hated seeing her like that, enjoying another man’s company that wasn’t his own. It reminded him of seeing her with Mike. A little while later they disappeared out the back and this only made Clay more nervous thinking of the worse possibly situation. Clay could take it no longer and when Jaz spoke up about needing a f*g soon Clay quickly jumped in, telling them they should go outside for one now. Outside he saw his reason for being there, sat at a round table Lizzie was talking with the guy Clay already hated. The four of them joined Lizzie and the young lad around the table, introductions went around and soon they were all joined in conversation. The whole time Clay despised this guy right in front of him, he didn’t like the fact that he seemed to be friendly and that Lizzie and everyone got on with him. After they said their goodbyes to the new guy and left the pub, questions went around to Lizzie on what she thought. What did they talk about, and further more if there was any spark between them? Clay dreaded the answers but as soon as words began to leave Lizzie’s mouth he was allowed to breathe again. Lizzie told them all that the guy was too free, someone who took drugs and was a bit rough around the edges, all in all Clay was happy to hear that this guy was truly not Lizzie’s type. Feeling more relaxed now they said their goodbyes to Jaz and hopped in the car where Terry then drove them back to Lizzie’s house, here Lizzie and Clay got out, Clay was returning back to Lizzie’s because he had left his bike here right at the beginning of the afternoon. Both Lizzie and Clay said goodbye to Laura and Terry, then they headed inside. Through the house and out the back Clay retrieved his bike; Lizzie let him out through the side entrance and waited around to say her goodbyes. Clay lay his bike down turned to also say goodbye, there was a few awkward sentences between them and then Clay leaned in for a hug. This was nothing out of the ordinary, only when they parted he leaned in for a kiss, to which Lizzie returned with desire. It had become such a routine with the two of them. Neither rejecting the other and both knowing that it meant nothing, but continuing anyway. A goodbye later and Clay was riding his bike home with his iPod playing in his ears, when it came to this situation with Lizzie he was no worse or better off. But the night did bring some clarity to his thoughts. He realised something in this day, that he once thought he could take anything that was thrown at him, but this girl is the only girl to make him feel confused and incredibly unhinged. A wreck of a boy was he, who is without a doubt, in love with a girl who doesn’t even know what she wants. But what he could be sure of now, even if Lizzie didn’t know what she wanted, is that she didn’t want him. So it was on this day that he learned to let her go, he had to burry is love so deep that he may never find it again, and...Forget he ever loved her. . . . One year later, on the 29th of April 2010, Clay and his good friends Laura and Terry were rejoined for a day trip at Thorpe Park. It had been a while since they had seen each other and the three agreed to take a trip to the theme park and catch up. The day previous was spent at Terry’s house in a tent in his back garden, with a BBQ roaring and burgers sizzling for their enjoyment. It was fun and Clay felt happy being with friends, especially after the year he had. Clay had stuck to what he planned last August, his and Lizzie’s fling ended and they stayed friends. But the rest of that year the two of them hardly saw each other, they got together on occasions with Laura also but it was nothing more than that. Lizzie had grown busy with her college work. Christmas passed and so did New Year, the group continued to get together every so often, meeting for drinks at the pubs. Clay continued to brood over Lizzie throughout the year, he never once stopped loving her and keeping those feelings back had spun him into a bubble of loneliness. He tried again and again to be happy and it work, for only a short period of time, until he met up with Lizzie again and he was reminded of his painful feelings for her. Lizzie was the main source of inspiration for most of Clay’s work, many quotes and poems, and even short stories. He used his emotions and turned it into a performance drug for his writing. Terry and Laura stayed in a relationship and seemed to be stronger than ever, and it seemed that even Lizzie had her own boyfriend now. Clay of course did not like this and although he didn’t know the kid he hated him instantly. He spent many nights thinking of his feelings for Lizzie; she haunted his dreams even when they spent many months apart. She was stuck in his head; he still couldn’t come to terms that he came so close to being with her. He had her body, her mind, her touch and even her passion. But what he never had, what he wanted more than anything in the world, was her heart. Seeing as they hadn’t hung out n a while the four had agreed to go on a trip like they had the year before, but Lizzie sadly could not afford it. When the time came closer she was convince to come by Laura who told her that she would pay for her, Lizzie reluctantly agreed. On the day that they picked Clay up in the car, it was revealed that Lizzie wouldn’t be joining them after all, the reason was she had a driving lesson she said she didn’t want to miss. A part of Clay, and a part of Laura it seemed too, thought that perhaps Lizzie was skipping the event just so that she could spend more time with her boyfriend. Clay decided not to let this ruin his mood and quickly forgot about Lizzie coming. But it seemed the next day as they arrived at Thorpe Park, painful memories returned. The day reminded Clay of the trip they took to Alton Towers back in August last year, only this time Lizzie weren’t with them. He couldn’t help but think about what such a perfect day that was and how much he would love to have repeated that day today, for that was the day he spent with Lizzie in his arms. Clay so badly wanted to have that day back, to have Lizzie’s lips on his again, and to hold her in his arms. But she never loved him and she has a boyfriend now, Clay hated him so badly because he wanted to be him. He has her, and Clay doesn’t. Clay still has vivid dreams of him and Lizzie together, and that day he spent the whole entire time daydreaming about her being there. It came apparent to Clay that although he tried cutting himself off from Lizzie he still hasn’t gotten over her or forgotten his feelings for her. To this day he continues to battle with this, still continues to try and bury his emotions. Clay couldn’t stop thinking, would he ever stop loving her? By a month later Clay had achieved one of the greatest things in his life, he had finished writing his first Novel. He called it Moon’s Prodigy and it was about a young lad who suddenly discovers that he is a werewolf. Clay felt proud and happy about this as he had tried writing two different Novels in the past and failed, and now finally he had done something incredible. It was also Clay’s birthday soon at the end of June; he was planning on going away for the weekend and had paid in full for a caravan in Somerset. It was a caravan for eight people and he had invited eight of his friends, this included Laura, Terry, Lizzie, Jaz, Ryan (his closest work mate of two years), Ryan’s girlfriend Jenny, and James. As time came ever closer Clay found out that James and Lizzie couldn’t come, he didn’t care much about James but he was sad that Lizzie could not make it either. He had hoped she would but he thought not to let this ruin his birthday, as it was his twenty first after all. The day came when he and all of his friends met up at the train station and headed out to Somerset, it was the end of June and very hot, perfect for the beach. The weekend turned out better then Clay could ever had imagined, the first day they arrived on the Friday they spent the evening playing on all the slot machines after getting something to eat. The next day they hit the beach, which was right behind the caravan park they stayed. It was even hotter today, this made it perfect to go swimming in the sea and that is exactly what most of them did. Since the Saturday was Clay’s birthday they all went out for a meal in a restaurant, after they played more 2p’s on the slots and later they brought lots of alcohol to take back to the caravan. Here is where the party really started, with them all drinking and getting pissed. The night started out slow but soon they all hit the beach, taking some drinks with them. Not long later Clay saw a small fire in the distance, so dragging Jaz with him he went to investigate. They found two hippies sat on the beach by an open fire, they introduced themselves and the hippies offered them to join them. Soon Ryan and Jenny came over, followed by Terry who told them he and Laura was heading back. The rest stayed and continued drinking throughout the night, the hippies also had their own vodka and the night was filled with talk and laughter. Much drink later Clay found himself in his underwear, Jaz was also in her underwear and the Hippies were naked, it stayed warm however throughout the night. But before the night was up things took an emotional turn, a group of guys were walking pass but then began hanging around. During this time Jaz was talking about going out to the sea, so she, Clay, Ryan and Jenny started running down the beach. They kept running until they were far out within the sloppy mud, Jenny and Ryan stopped, Clay stopped not long after because it was too far out. But Jaz had disappeared; this got Clay worried because of how dangerous the situation could be. Clay shouted for her but no answer, he continued onwards while he shouted for her to come back, although consumed by alcohol he still had sense. It wasn’t long before Clay found Jaz, only she refused to come back unless Clay sat in the mud with her, and so he felt like he had no choice, he didn’t want a huge tragedy to happen tonight. When they finally made their way back Clay told them he was going to get washed up and then he would come back, but this is where the night got worse. As he began to return he saw his friends, the hippies and one of the guys returning to the caravan, with them they carried his cloths. As Clay checked his stuff he realised that his mobile phone was missing, panicking he returned to the beach and found that it wasn’t there. Clay retraced the pathway from the beach to the caravan and back again, but still he did not find his mobile. This made Clay feel incredibly angry and upset, so much had happened and with the alcohol in his system this made him feel very emotional. He did not want to return to the caravan so he took a walk down the beach, walking for a long time; all the while he was sad and teary. He felt helpless, like the universe was dishing him up bad karma which he didn’t deserve. The fact is that he had tried to do something good that night, stopping Jaz from doing something stupid and very dangerous rather than leaving her to it, and in return something bad happened to him. And this is what he felt. Soon Clay began hearing voices, eventually they got closer and he discovered that the voices were shouting his name and they belonged to the mouths of Ryan and Jenny. They had come to find him and make sure Clay was ok, when they found him Clay told them he was just taking a walk and wanted to be left alone, but they was having none of it. They told Clay that he shouldn’t be alone and that especially because it was late, they asked what was wrong since they guessed something must be. Clay began to talk and his friends listened, he told them he was feeling bad, upset, and angry at the world. And because they were such good friends, ones in which would come to find you when you go missing, they decided to stay with him for a while. Sitting down they all talked deeply about emotions and the world. A while later they all returned to the caravan to get some sleep, however feeling troubled Clay could not settle down that night. So making sure he wasn’t heard he escaped the caravan and went for a walk. A long walk later the sun was awaking and bringing with it light that shone across the skies, Clay felt so much better now that he was left alone with his thoughts for the last few hours. He did much thinking and feeling over this time, a much needed time that allowed Clay to let it all out. When Clay had returned home after that weekend he felt different, no longer did he feel like caring for others. Sure he would still listen and help friends, but now he would ultimately let them get on with it, regardless of the consequence. Clay made a promise that Saturday night that he would not get attached or involved in people’s lives, he would still feel for them because that is something he may never stop doing, but he would just stay away and let them make their mistakes. Overall Clay was just tired of looking after others and feeling like he got nothing in return, but all that had changed now. It was a dark night for him that night, a part of him had changed, and Clay had become a different person. Since that time Clay had wrote more quotation and short stories, the couple of months that followed would be eventful ones, but then aren’t they all. The first event Clay came face to face with was that just before he went on holiday with his family, he befriended an ex-girlfriend of Mike. The very same guy who had been with Lizzie. The reason being is that she sounded so upset and hurtful, her emotions were high and she sounded lifeless, Clay just felt like trying to be her friend and wanted to bring joy back to her. But this failed miserably, when Clay returned from his holiday he began hanging out with the girl. But one night as he was returning home from a night out at the pub he didn’t want the night to end, so he rang her to see if she was up to much, and when he spoke to her he discovered that she was actually staying over Mike’s place. Clay felt happy for her that she could still be friends with Mike and he had even told her so, but then it turned ugly. The girl had handed the mobile over to Mike who told Clay that she was getting pissed off at him for keep bothering her, and that it was making Mike angry that Clay was hitting on her when Mike had not long broke up with her. It seemed that Mike was getting the wrong idea about Clay’s attentions, and before he could explain Mike hung up the phone, Clay was shocked and hurt. He couldn’t believe what Mike had said or thought, and as Clay travelled home he could not think of anything but his anger towards Mike. Clay could not believe that he tried once again to help out another human being, someone who seemed to need help, and all Clay’s caring did was get him into trouble. It reminded him of his birthday and how from now on he should only look out for himself; take care of only him and no one else. Clay felt done now, finished with everyone else, this was his time now, no more caring for others because it only gets him nowhere. Clay felt like he was only left standing alone after all of it, he only gets hurt in return. Well now he was done with all of it, no more...no more. The next battle Clay faced was Lizzie. Within July Clay was planning on going on another trip with Laure and Terry again, this time Lizzie would come because she hadn’t the last time, also Laura’s friend which Clay knew too would be joining them. By now Lizzie had split with her boyfriend, much to Clay’s contentment, and they would be returning to Alton Towers. The events that happened on this day were that Clay had got emotionally attached to Lizzie again. He couldn’t help but reach for her as she stood next to him, just remembering the time he had the previous year, he wanted to feel that again. Lizzie did not reject him and on one or two occasion Clay found himself hugging her whilst they waited in line, and on top of all this Lizzie wore his jumper again just as she did before. The only difference this day was that Clay did not end up kissing her or holding her hand, there was no true emotions or hope invested in their actions, and Clay felt as though he knew his place. And finally within the month that followed, August 2010, Clay had got an invite to go to the cinema with Laura, her boyfriend Terry and Lizzie. It was a weird experience, something that the four of them hadn’t done in a very long time, just spending some quality time together. The evening was ok, it felt as normal as ever, but the problem was the journey home. As Terry drove them all home, Clay was sat in the back with Lizzie and he was looking around at them all; he suddenly noticed that he was out of place. It was an odd feeling, like he didn’t need to be there, that it mattered not to him whether he went with them or not. Before now he used to love seeing them and had always tried to arrange meeting up, but now he didn’t care. He didn’t think it was anything to do with his friends, he thought it was more on him. Clay just felt like he was changing, and in truth so was his friends, the things they used to do and the time they spent no longer mattered to their lives as much as it once did. And also for the first time in the last three years, as Clay looked over at Lizzie beside him, that although he will forever love her and will always wish he could be with her, he would actually be alright if they never did end up together. Clay had come to a point that he wanted to be with someone to share his life with, and now it didn’t matter to him whether it was someone else who wasn’t Lizzie. As Clay sat there feeling all of this he realised, that the time he had spent with his other friends Ryan and his girlfriend Jenny, has brought him closer to them. He felt like he wanted to be in their company and he didn’t feel uncomfortable or out of place when he was with them. He enjoyed being around them, he felt like he belonged. These emotions tonight made Clay question who he was and why he had changed, why he had felt this way. It was a time in his life that he had grown apart from, he had grown too, and he was feeling like moving on with his life. Clay needed to get out of this town perhaps; he needed a new life, to start the new chapter in his life. . . . The new chapter in Clay’s life would not be the one he expected; Clay had hoped to move on from this town to be able to be his new self. Though he remained living in his own town it was fortunately for the better. Now in his life time, a whole year later, he was exactly where he wanted to be. Finally he was on a journey that made him feel like he belonged. It all took off after the summer of 2010, Clay had moved on from being the guy who was used for his kindness. He decided to live happily with his single life for a while and maybe in return he would be happy away from Lizzie, and indeed he was. He flirted with many girls and did many things with his friends, enjoying what he had. By the New Year he planned to hit the town, because every other year before he had just attended parties, and this time he wanted it to be different. He managed to chat up a girl to be his midnight kiss, a girl who had been working at his work place during Christmas. When the night began he met up with his close work friend Ryan and his girlfriend Jenny, and they began at one of the pubs. Shortly after another friend joined them, his name was Rocco, and then another one joined them named Becca. Unfortunately quite early on, Ryan was feeling not up to the night, he had been ill all day, and so he decided to return home. Jenny went with him. The night started when they hit one of the clubs and they had drunk many more drinks. They all danced their asses off and neither one cared if they made a fool of themselves. Throughout Clay kept in contact with his midnight kiss and soon he left his friends to meet up with her. Her name was Vickie and Clay met her in another club along with her own friends, here he danced with her and the group until finally that clock counted ever so closely to midnight. Evidentially Clay found himself in the toilets as he heard the crowd outside counting down from ten, by the time he got out everyone was already cheering in the New Year. Clay however would not let this stop him, he found Vickie and gave her a hug, then when they parted he kissed her on the lips and she responded by kissing him back. Clay, Vickie, and her friends travelled to the club he was previously in and he rejoined his friends he had left. From then on they all danced the night away, leaving the year behind them and making this a great start into the next. By mid January 2011, Clay had reached breaking point when it came to living at home. He had grown up in his life to the point where he felt like he should be moving on, again he thought about wanting to move away from his home town feeling as though this would give him a fresh start. Most of his life Clay had watched his two sisters use his mother and play up so much. His one sister Emma had even moved out years ago but still continues to get their mother to do everything for her. This left Clay feeling trapped, trying his best to do what’s right and not take so much from his mother, especially when it came to money. Clay had always thought himself to be more independent than his sisters and so stayed away from the arguments. He was watching his sisters slowly kill their mother with stress and although he tried to stay away he found that all that stress even came back on him. He would find himself in more situations where he would be shouted at for small things, when the attitude needn’t be. And the stress and anger felt as though it was constantly being taken out on him. He had come to the point where the whole family had made him turn against them. Clay did not like this feeling; he needed to lead his own life. These emotions continued for the next few days, he felt different, alone and that something was missing. Of course this reflected on his family but there was something more, a part of him wanted a relationship. A part of Clay felt as though although he wanted to live life and have adventures, he wanted to share this with another. He felt as though having that special someone by his side would make the experiences even greater. But sadly Clay was feeling down because he felt that this would not happen. He felt as though he would not get out of his parents home and get away, and he also felt that no girl was attracted to him. Being such an emotional and soft guy he thought girls just didn’t want that. It seemed that girls would always choose the bad guy, the one that treated them like they didn’t deserve to be treated, and although they complained of wanting that nice guy they just didn’t see what was in front of them. Clay thought on this, he thought what were his options? He didn’t know, he would continue to wander in the background forever hoping destiny will show him a sign. But finally that sign would come, that pathway would open up to him and show him the way. For it was months later, in the beginning of May, that Clay would finally move out of his parents home. For a long time he and his friend Ryan had been discussing their lives, they discovered they were on the same track, both wanted to move out. They had been so close lately that they had come to a decision, if both could afford a place they would both move in together, along with Ryan’s girlfriend Jenny. It was a perfect match and both were happy enough to begin looking around. Clay’s mother had found an ad for a one bedroom flat advertising in a shop, when she questioned about it she asked if the people had a two bed flat as well. By luck of fate they did, Clay was quick to jump on this and arranged a viewing of the flat. The three of them discussed it, and between the three of them it meant Clay could just about afford living there. A month later on the 9th of May, Clay, Ryan and Jenny were living in their own place. Time crept by and three months later Clay and his flat mates had settled in, they had no regrets and no need to return home, for they were home. And now Clay had finally in his life come to position where he belonged, like he was on the right path to the journey he wanted to take. At this time in his life Clay had rarely seen Lizzie and his other friends as much but when it came to Lizzie that was not a bad thing. Clay had finally come to a position where he was ok with whether he saw her or not. Laura had asked him to join her on holiday to Disneyland in Paris in January, for it was her twenty first birthday during that time. Clay thought this was a great way to celebrate her birthday and agreed to go, also going would be Terry and Lizzie but this didn’t bother Clay. They all met up to discuss the journey and cost of the holiday, their meeting point was of course their favourite pub. When all talk was done they enjoyed the evening playing pool, but as Clay watched Lizzie a thought arises in which he had been contemplating these past months. Clay had come to a life changing decision about Lizzie, although he had been alright now being around her he knew that he would never truly move on while he knew her. He knew this because she would always remain the love of his life, and she would remain there until he could break away from her and pretend she did not exist. And as time went on Clay agreed more and more with this decision, so he thought that he would continue to go on holiday to Disney with Lizzie and then afterwards he would let her know. He will tell her he didn’t want to know her any longer, that he will pretend she did not exist and finally maybe be able to forget her. Clay had been strongly thinking about this for a while now, to the point where he was sure he would not back out at the last moment. he was confident that he would go through with this plan, so much so that he wanted to put it in motion sooner rather than later. He no longer wanted to wait til Disney because he wanted to feel free now, he was happy with his life right now and so he wanted to have no restrictions. On the 21st of August Clay sat and thought, by the evening he had finally found the inspiration to speak the words he had been thinking so much about lately, and he finally texted Lizzie. He sent her a text telling her exactly how he’d been feeling the past four years, he told her everything that he had gone through and exactly what he had been thinking of late. He told her he wasn’t going to tell her all this until after their holiday but it was something he needed to do, he said that he would still continue to go on holiday with her, as though they were still friends and that nothing was wrong, and then after he would forget she existed. He told her that he couldn’t be friends with her because he was never friends with her, after all how can you be friends with the woman you love? Lizzie was shocked and told him she thought he was one of her closest friends, and that she was sorry it came to this. Clay was sorry too, but it needed to be done. And that was that, nothing more was said and nothing was said between them for a long while after. A few days later Clay wrote a letter addressed to Lizzie explaining everything he had previous thought and told her, this letter he would keep until after the holiday in January and then he would hand it over and be done with it all. From that moment on Clay found clarity and peace, he was finally free, finally where he wanted to be. The time had come. Clay knew it would slowly catch up with him when he wasn’t expecting it, and now it was open him. Clay had stuck to his words and for half a year now he had not spoken, seen or even acknowledged Lizzie’s existence. But now it was the New Year and he knew that he would have to see her again, for the holiday he booked with his and Lizzie’s friend was very soon at his feet. He felt nervous about seeing her again after the text he sent so long ago and since not having seen her, but it was unavoidable he knew. And so Clay decided to ease into it and text Lizzie to see how she was doing, and if she was looking forward to the holiday. Clay survived the conversation and came to realise it wasn’t as bad as he was anticipating. And so now they were talking again, everything was running smoothly and Clay was not hung up on her any more, or at least he thought. The date was set, the travelling was all planned out, and the dreaded day had arrived. Clay spent the journey mainly focusing on not feeling anything for Lizzie; he listened to music with her and talked with his two other friends. He thanked god when Lizzie finally fell asleep and he was able to lose himself in the music. But even that did not work completely, his eyes wandered to Lizzie and Clay had seen that her top was pulled up a little, showing some sin. It reminded him of the old days spent flirting, admiring her, watching her beauty. He realised in that moment that he was treading dangerous territory; he never once believed he would go back on his word but he knew that he wanted to soak up every last moment with her, which just meant that anything could happen. After the long day and night of much travelling they had made it all the way to Disneyland, France. And so the countdown began. Day 1. When they arrived the first thing they wanted to do was to head to the park, they wanted to use up all their time in the park as much as they can. Especially since half the day had gone by the time they arrived. And so they went around having fun on some of the rides, again this reminded Clay of the old days when they would take trips to the theme parks. Clay knew he would never stop loving Lizzie and that fact would never change, but he also knew that for her sake and his that he will still end it. Afterwards they went and checked into their hotel room, after this they headed back out to dinner. When back in their hotel room and ready for bed the four spent some time relaxing and talking. Clay couldn’t stop himself from teasing Lizzie, just as he always had for as long as he had known her, telling her all the stories of their adventures together and how he felt about them all. That night he felt guilty for teasing her, especially since he made her feel bad also, but then Clay thought she felt bad because she knew that it was all true. How she never knew how perfect he thinks she is for him, that although she had put him through a lot he wouldn’t change one thing over the past four years. As Clay sat there with only his thoughts for company he decided to write Lizzie a poem, to sort of apologise. Always We
met by chance and I thought of none. But
by the end of the night my heart you’d won. Smitten
was I by a force I knew not. And
from then, the world I had forgot. It
started from the very moment we did touch. Back
then I didn’t realise I’d love you so much. I
loved you and you loved another. And
when that ended you loved no other. I
would have given you the world and more. If
only you felt the same way I’d adore. For
years my love did not perish. I
gladly waited for only more years to cherish. But
all this love has put a strain on me & you. Loving
someone who doesn’t love you too. I
know now for this love to try and die. I
must forget I know you and say my final goodbye. But
whatever happens know this is true. Now
and forever, I will always secretly love you. Day 2. In the morning Clay left the poem he wrote for Lizzie on her bed but he never knew if she saw or read it, she never told him so. All four sat down to breakfast in the hotel and enjoyed many different options, Clay of course piled too much on his plate which meant he couldn’t finish off every last bite, although there was defiantly not a lack of trying. This day did not go as well, the weather was very grim with dark clouds above their heads and a dampness following them wherever they tread. By the end of the day it had all taken a toll on Lizzie who was feeling under the weather with now a cold, she also felt very tired and not good what so ever. They retreated back to the hotel to rest up before heading out again to dinner; this is where the evening picked up a little. The four went to what was called Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show, which consisted of them eating a meaty dinner in rows of seats extending around a huge arena, in a horse shoe shape. Within this arena there was a show being performed of Indians and cowboys, horse and buffalos, and all sorts of neat tricks. Clay enjoyed this completely; he thought it was something just out of one of his American movies. The night proved much better than the day and all four was full and pleased by the end of it. Day 3. This day began with a character breakfast at a restaurant near the park, where Disney characters wandered around while they eat. After this they ventured into the second part of the park, where more rides and show awaited them to come and enjoy. The guys also took many more photos on this day with all sorts of Disney character that wandered the parks; in fact they had begun a sort of collection and set out to get as many photos as they could. One of their favourite rollercoaster rides stood in this side of the park and Clay had even bought a photo of them on it as a souvenir, it was the roller coaster that none really knew the name of but knew it played Aerosmith songs whilst on it. They also liked the Hollywood Tower which always gave Clay a gut dropping feeling, even as he was waiting in the long line before the actually ride. They retired to the hotel once more, where they prepared for dinner at a restaurant called the Rainforest Restaurant for the evening. This was delightful, laid out to look like an actually forest of animals, trees, waterfalls and certain rainforest sounds. And then as like the other nights they ventured back to the hotel for the land of sleep. Day 4. This was probably the most important day for Clay, it was the day they had to head on home but it was also the day that Clay would let himself feel emotions he once let control him. After spending a few more hours in the park soaking up all that they could before home time, they found themselves driving back home. Here Clay watched Lizzie sleeping again; she always slept in the car whenever they travelled somewhere. Clay was listening to music again but he wasn’t paying any attention. Instead his attention was on the fact that Lizzie’s body was leaning against him, which only made Clay want her more, want to be around her again and not want to say goodbye. He even tried a few time to be evermore closer to her, maybe he could rest a hand by his side which would then be innocently leaning against her own. Before he knew it however they were already close to their home town, Clay wanted so badly to wrap his hands around Lizzie and say goodbye but he also did not want to wake her. So after his friends had dropped him off at his home Clay bid them goodbye and took one last look at Lizzie. The next day, days, week was spent texting Lizzie. Clay claimed he didn’t want to say goodbye to her after all, that after the holiday what he wanted was just to be her friend and do more with her. But Clay knew what he was doing; he knew the dark hurtful path he was suddenly heading down. He knew this path so well as he had travelled it so many time in the last four years, Clay knew this so Clearly that this time round he finally had the strength to change it. Even after what he said about maybe wanting to be closer instead of saying goodbye for good Clay found the strength he once had half a year ago, when he told Lizzie of what he was planning. Clay knew that back then that what he decided to do was the right decision, he knew that he had to follow through on it and that no matter how bad it hurt him he wasn’t going to put it off any longer. Clay knew he had to say goodbye, for good. And so Clay text Lizzie to ask her if she was free to meet up, even though he was in fact already on his way to her house. Of course he knew that she would say no, which proved to come true. Clay took a while to get to Lizzie’s house, seeing as the freaky weather that day had turned so suddenly into ice and snow. This was something that happened where he lived, unpredictable weather was common, and seeing as it was still winter meant that any unlikable weather was possible. Soon Clay was near Lizzie’s house, he found himself feeling nervous with every step he took closer. He felt stupid walking in this weather but he knew it was something he had to do, to go through all this just to let some girl he loved go. And so the time had come, as Clay reached out a trembling hand and knocked on the door which was now the only barrier between him and Lizzie. She was confused of course when she answered the door, not expecting him to be standing there, for a while in fact they both stood silently not knowing what to say or do. Clay began by telling her that it was important that he saw he tonight, why he couldn’t wait and what he was there for. Clay went into detail of how he was right from the beginning, that his decision to let her go was something that both of them needed. As he spoke Clay felt terrible, it dawned on him exactly what it was he was doing. He was letting go the one thing he had cared for above all else, someone he had loved so strongly for many years, and that was a death sentence for anyone who ever felt such a feeling. As he came to the end he gave her a letter, the same letter he wrote a while back explaining everything he felt for her, and a letter that contained his last words. ‘...why are you doing this?’ Lizzie asked although he had explained, he guessed that she didn’t understand why he was doing this because she never felt the same for him the way he did for her. And for that reason alone she could never possibly understand what he was going through, and why he was doing and saying the things he was. ‘...simply put I have loved you for many years, too many. It’s time I finally let go and move on’ ‘Do you really have to do this? I consider you such a good friend and I don’t want to lose you’ ‘I’ve been in love with you for four years, and in those years I’ve had to watch you with my best friend, have a fling with you when you never had any feelings for me, and then try to be your friend when I knew I could never. It’s been hard, there has been a lot of difficult decisions and I’ve had to battle with my emotions time and time again. But after four years of questions and confusion I’ve always been sure of one thing in my life, my love for you. Never once have I questioned my love for you because there was no way that I did not love you, and that is what killed me the most’ Clay finished. ‘It hasn’t been easy for me either. I can’t stand knowing you love me, it’s too painful. I see you as one of my best friends, I’ve told you before I’ve never been close to any other guy, and so it hurts me to see you like this. It hurts me knowing you care for me the way you do, and that I can’t give you what you need’ Lizzie looked emotional, truly meaning what she said. A few tears had even rolled down her cheek. ‘That’s the point, that’s why I can’t know you anymore. Because I will never stop loving you -’ ‘I’m sorry it’s come to this’ ‘Yeah...I’m sorry too -’ Clay turns to leave and stops shortly after; he then turns half way to face Lizzie once more. ‘Goodbye Lizzie...’ . . . Four years slowly pasted, but to Clay it seemed to go by too quick. He continued to live in town for another year and a half working at the same depressing card shop, until eventually Clay wanted to get out for a while. So that’s what he did, Clay packed up and during the summer of 2013 he took a long month trip with nothing but a tent and the money he had saved. Clay enjoyed the freedom so much that he extended his trip outside the confines of the United Kingdom. He managed for a while in Spain where he stayed and worked for his dad’s old friend, then he took it further and with little savings he stayed with his flat mate’s friend over in China. Clay continued this way finding work wherever he could. And then one day he returned to his home town, that fatal day came soon after New Year in 2016. Clay felt strange coming back home, he had to stay with his parents while he searched for a new job, something that could come at any time. It would be a couple of months later when he would see her again, four years Clay had not seen or spoke to her, and here she was. Clay was extending his search for jobs as far as even the local hospital; this is when he suddenly bumped into Lizzie. That moment was bizarre, when the day came he would see her again Clay thought it would be somewhat different to this. He neither felt the hidden anger or desire not to know Lizzie as he once did four years ago, he didn’t feel the need to ignore her or run and hide. Clay was very mature and it was actually nice seeing such an old face. ‘Hey!’ Clay stopped in shock, Lizzie also surprised to run into him stopped to say hi. ‘It’s nice to see you, how’ve you been?’ ‘I’ve been good, you?’ ‘I’ve been amazing, I mean so much has happened in the last few years it’s unbelievable’ a part of them both felt awkward as they talked, understandably after the last conversation they had. It had been years since they had even seen each other and neither knew what to expect, especially Lizzie since she had been told to stay away. Clay told her the brief description of his journey and the things he saw, when he asked her what she had been up to he didn’t get much of a reply. Lizzie it seemed had led a normal boring life, one that involved work and finishing off college. ‘So what brings you here?’ Clay asked. ‘Oh, I was just, visiting family. My Nan’s sick’ ‘Aw really, I’m sorry to hear. What’s wrong with her, or is that too private’ he asked. ‘She has cancer - ’ ‘I’m sorry; you know I’m here if you ever need to talk’ Clay said sincerely. Lizzie thanked him and they said their goodbyes. The next time Clay saw Lizzie was nearly a month later, they bumped into each other in town and Lizzie was with her parents. They chatted again and before Clay said goodbye he surprisingly asked if she wanted to do something with him, that maybe they could go somewhere to have a conversation and catch up. Using it as an excuse to get away from her parents Lizzie said ok, and so they both went to sit down for coffee at one of the coffee shops in town. Then they went for a walk around the local docks, all the while they talked and it was just as though they had never stopped being friends. But something inside of Clay feared that this wasn’t a good idea, he feared that although he was fine with being around her now, he would soon lose all sense. Clay knew that if he started seeing her again he would soon be reminded of his deep feelings for her in which he once felt, because he knew that those types of emotions never truly go away. Clay was right, a few days later he got an invite to go to the cinema with Lizzie. The evening was nice and full of laughter, Clay drove Lizzie back home and after he said goodbye he got himself a surprise. Lizzie leaned in and gave him a hug, and then she said goodbye and left. Clay pondered on this the entire journey home, he knew that they both were supposed to be mature and grown up now but Lizzie made him feel a kid again. It had been four years and he was almost twenty seven now, but it seemed to him that he wasn’t close to being over Lizzie. This continued on for some time, Clay found himself spending more time with Lizzie, mostly on her invites. This was odd he thought at one point because he had made no advances for the first six times they had gone out, it was Lizzie who invited him out every time for those first six times and it was Lizzie who made the effort to plan an activity. So far they had done everything from a movie at the cinema, to indoor rock climbing at a place called the warehouse. After this Clay began asking Lizzie out also, he forgot all about the fact that he should be staying away and he had almost forgot what he had said those four years before. And so it became March, Clay had driven over to Lizzie’s house to surprise her with tickets to a concert. When he knocked on the door her mother answered and told Clay that she was at the hospital, he asked when she would be back and her mother said not until a couple of days. Then something strange happened, Clay asked if she was visiting her Nan still and if she was still sick. Her mother looked confused and told him that she didn’t understand what he meant, that Lizzie was in hospital getting treatment. Clay didn’t stick around to find out what her mother meant. Clay went straight to the hospital to see Lizzie, after getting her room number from the front desk he finally arrived to find Lizzie laying in a hospital gown on a hospital bed. ‘Hey’ Lizzie said when she finally saw Clay standing in the doorway. ‘Want to tell me what’s going on?’ Clay said. ‘No really. Don’t suppose you would settle for no questions asked?’ ‘Lizzie...’ ‘My Nan isn’t sick, I am.’ Lizzie said with her eyes slightly watering. ‘...Ok?’ is all Clay replied with a long query sound to his voice. ‘I have Leukaemia, I’m here for treatment’ Clay stepped forwards and eventually sat down on the bed next to her, he took her hand in his. He spent the night there and hung around until she returned home, in the next couple of months he spent most days of the week being with Lizzie. It was like Clay was part of the family, neither of them took notice that he was there a lot instead they just accepted it, there had even been nights in which he slept over. Everything had changed between Clay’s and Lizzie’s relationship, but Clay didn’t know exactly what that change was. Things seemed to continue at a steady pace for some time, but nothing good ever did last. It had turned June and soon it was Clay’s birthday, one night Clay travelled over to Lizzie’s after work but when he got there something was wrong. Lizzie’s mother answered the door and she looked sad, before Clay went up stairs she wanted to warn him, Lizzie had fallen worse in the last couple of days and was not feeling too good. By this she meant that Lizzie was having a bad month, and that right now she was up stairs feeling very ill. Clay went upstairs to see her and indeed she did not look good, Lizzie was laid up in bed watching T.V, Clay could only smile at her and she smiled back. ‘What you watching?’ Clay asked her as he sat on the edge of her bed. ‘Old episodes of One Tree Hill’ ‘Move over’ Clay got in bed next to Lizzie and began to watch the programme with her, after he settled down Lizzie moved up close to his chest and continued to snuggle with him for the rest of the evening. They both fell asleep that night cuddled up together. Before Clay left in the morning he made Lizzie’s mother promise him she would ring if Lizzie got worse, and ring him she did. A couple of more days later on Clay’s birthday, he got a phone call in the middle of the day from Lizzie’s mother, she told him exactly what he didn’t want to hear. Clay drove over to the house immediately and Lizzie’s mother let him in. ‘Is she ok?’ Clay asked dreading what he would hear. ‘She’s not looking good’ Mrs Deakins told Clay, looking rather upset. ‘Did you phone the hospital?’ ‘There’s nothing they can do there that we can’t do, we just have to make her comfortable until she gets through it’ Clay told her he wanted to see her and so he began ascending the stairs. When he made it to Lizzie’s room he found her lying in her bed looking feverish, sweating and twitching. There was a bowl beside her bed in which Clay guessed it was in case she was feeling sick, it certainly looked as though she was going to be. ‘Hey’ Clay said softly kneeling beside the bed, Lizzie slowly moved her head to the side to look back at him. Neither said a word, her too weak and him too emotional. Water began swelling in his eyes because seeing her like this was too much for Clay and eventually a few tear drops rolled down his cheeks. ‘I’m going to take care of you ok...I’m going to take care of you until your better’ with that Clay returned down stairs to retrieve a cold wet flannel which he used to wipe her forehead and face. Clay felt the urge to stay throughout the day to look after Lizzie; he cared way too much for her to do otherwise. Lizzie went through stages of feeling incredibly cold and shivering, to hot and sweating all over, to even an extended time of throwing up in the toilet. Clay stayed by her side through every second of it, even holding her hair while she was sick numerous of times. But eventually she had fallen asleep in his arms, peaceful at last, leaving Clay watching a bit of her T.V. Suddenly Lizzie began shuffling in his arms and Clay looked down in time to see her open her eyes, he smiled at her but a part of him had hoped she would stay asleep for the rest of the night. Lizzie looked up at Clay and opened her mouth; it took a few seconds for her to find her words. ‘Not a good way, to spend your birthday ay’ she quietly breathed, with a half smile. ‘Are you kidding me, it’s a very good birthday...because I got to spend it with you’ Lizzie stayed very ill for the next week, constantly feeling feverish and throwing up. Clay stayed by her side throughout the week, to which after she began feeling better. Slowly but surely she regained her strength until she finally looked healthy once more, but she was never truly healthy for she had a disease which was killing her. Out of Lizzie’s request Clay never mentioned her illness to her or the worry he had, Lizzie wanted to just continue living a happy life as best as she could. This meant that there were many days spent laughing and enjoying themselves as though there was never anything wrong within the world, some days Clay found the pretending harder than the reality. But the pretending couldn’t last; the happiness would soon come crashing down when Lizzie got the news. It was coming close to Lizzie’s birthday and Clay couldn’t wait until that day to give her the birthday present he brought, so he decided to give it her early. When he arrived at the house he could tell things were gloomy, he asked if things were ok with Lizzie and her mother answered that she was doing ok when it came to her health but that when she went to her check-up the other day she had been given news that had made her sad ever since. Clay climbed the stairs and entered Lizzie’s bedroom to find her crying at the programme she was watching. ‘Is everything ok?’ Clay asked. ‘Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?’ Lizzie replied as she stood up and wrapped her arms around Clay’s chest, Clay hugged her back and he could tell that there was defiantly something on her mind but that clearly she wasn’t going to give in so easily. Regardless of this he thought his birthday gift would get whatever it was off her mind, if not make her feel better. ‘I have something for you, a gift’ Clay said pulling out a leaflet and handing it over to Lizzie, she starred at it with a questionable look. On the leaflet was information about hot air ballooning and on the front cover was a picture of a hot air balloon and a view. ‘...it’s one of the things you told me you’ve always wanted to do’ ‘I know but I didn’t mean go out and waste your money on me’ ‘It’s an early birthday present...and believe me when I say, any money spent on you is not a waste’ Clay smiled and his infectious warm smile only made Lizzie smile too, she hugged him again. Clay and Lizzie got in the car and drove off to the hot air ballooning spot, Lizzie was clearly excited about this. Clay was already happy that he could make her feel good. After the guy gave them the quick safety talk they were finally making their way up into the sky, it took a short while to get the balloon going but once the guy did they began gaining height quickly. Higher and higher they went, Lizzie couldn’t stop smiling the entire time and Clay felt slightly scared at how high they really were. The view was exquisite, a beautiful sight to be sure. Clay was glad he did this for Lizzie and despite his fear he enjoyed being up there, especially by Lizzie’s side. The sun was soon setting and the two felt so contended watching the amazing sunset, it was such a different experience from way up there. Clay suddenly felt Lizzie step closer and hold on to his arm, she then leant her head on his shoulder. He looked down at her and smiled to himself, Lizzie was still as sweet as ever, she had not changed and neither had his feelings for her. On the way home Lizzie realised they weren’t going the right way, when she asked Clay he only told her that he had another surprise. Eventually after turning many roads, and Lizzie not figuring out where he was taking her, Clay stopped outside a shop. He got out and Lizzie followed, she wanted to ask him what he was up to but she didn’t. Instead she followed patiently as he opened a door next to the shop, ascended some stairs and opened another door which led them into a two bed flat above the shop. ‘It’s my new flat’ Clay finally told her, throwing his arms out and back to his side as he spoke. ‘You finally got a place?’ ‘Yup. I’ve already moved some of my stuff in but there’s still a lot of work’ Clay told her. The living room was still bare but when he showed her around Lizzie saw that he already had his bed and wardrobe in his room, his bathroom essentials and a fridge with food. They had sat down for a while and got to talking, while they did Clay thought of asking her what her mother meant about her getting some bad news from her check-up. It didn’t take long until he worked it into their conversation. ‘So you seemed really upset earlier when I arrived’ ‘I was just watching something sad’ Lizzie tried smiling it off. ‘Well I thought it would be because you had some bad news from the Doctors?’ ‘What makes you think that?’ ‘Your mum’ Lizzie stayed facing Clay but her eyes looked away in thought. ‘You don’t have to tell me but I just want to know if everything’s ok, if you’re ok’ That is when Lizzie suddenly began telling him all what the Doctor told her, about how she had gotten so ill that her illness has prevented her from ever having kids in the future. ‘Is that what he said?’ Clay asked. ‘Well he said that it was a huge possibility, that there was only a very small chance that I could conceive’ Lizzie then began telling Clay all about how she’s always wanted a family, a dream of getting married and having children. But now her illness has stopped her from living the full life she has always wanted, including kids. As she told him her story she cried the whole time, taking breaks in between and wiping her eyes again and again. When she finished Clay hugged her and let her cry it out. When her tears subsided she looked back at Clay who didn’t know what to do but smile at her, and then something surprising happened. Much to Clay’s astonishment Lizzie leaned in and kissed him, her lips quivering from her crying, her cheeks still wet. It was not quite a full on kiss, with Clay not kissing back but letting her carry on. She pulled away a little and sniffled, for a split second they both locked eyes and felt each other’s need. Clay knew that she was feeling lost, hurt and very upset...and although he knew she will never love him, he still loves her, and so Clay gave in. They kissed again, this time passionately and desirably. Lizzie’s hand raised to his face, in response Clay reached his hand down to her waste and the two began simultaneously lying down. Lizzie lay on her back and Clay rested on his arm hovering over her, both continually kissing. The kissing led to touching, which led to more kissing of other parts of the body, before he knew it Clay was watching Lizzie strip in front of him. Clay striped off his cloths too and they both connected in a hot steamy night of yearning sex. They never spoke of that night the next morning, it was an awkward morning as they both got dressed but it wasn’t a regretful one, for either of them. They moved about the flat in silence for a long while until Clay finally spoke up. ‘Come on, I’ll buy you breakfast’ He told her, she smiled at him knowing that they could get passed this and they both left the flat. After this night things went back to normal, the two continued hanging out as friends and Lizzie stayed healthy and ill free. Christmas was coming up soon, only a few weeks away and things were already looking the part. Shops were selling all the Christmas cards, gifts and were decorated to match, while in people’s homes everyone was getting out their own decorations and Christmas trees. Clay and Lizzie had agreed to decorate his flat together, based on Lizzie’s opinion that if she let him do it alone then the flat would look a mess. Clay had already started on hanging decorations from the ceiling when Lizzie arrived. ‘Started without me I see’ Lizzie said taking off her coat and scarf. ‘Well I wanted to do some decorating before you came and took over’ He smiled. Lizzie gave him an obvious look before smiling herself and then they both got to work. An hour later the walls, ceiling, and tree was covered in sparkling colours and now finished the two settled down on the sofa with a cup of tea. Eventually within mid conversation Lizzie changed the subject. ‘There’s something I need to tell you, and I’ve been trying to figure out how I would say this but there’s no easy way, so here goes...I’m pregnant’ even as the words came out Clay could not truly take in what she was saying. She explained that she didn’t even realise until a week ago, and when she went with her mother to find out for sure it was confirmed by the Doctor that she was indeed. They both talked about it for a while about what it meant and more importantly what she wanted to do about it. Lizzie told him that she neither regretted that night nor she regrets being pregnant, and that she wanted to keep this baby for this could be the only chance she will get. She was happy with the decision she had made and even told Clay that he didn’t need to be there as a father for the baby, that if he wanted she would not tell anyone he was the father. But Clay wasn’t that type of person, he told her that if she wanted to keep the baby then he did too, that he would be there as a father and bring up the baby together as a family. Clay promised that he would be there for them both and that she could even move in with him so that they could be a real family. So they agreed that they would move in together so that the child would have two parents, that in a sense weren’t separated, and they would live like a true complete family. . . . Some years later, five more years to be exact, Clay had found himself being a family man. He loved being the father to his little girl and although they were not a couple they were both still very close as though they were. They had stuck to their plan and were now living happily together raising their child, if anyone would have seen them together on the streets they would have certainly thought they were a married couple. It was this way for such a long time now that the two of them had slipped into the routine of comfort, both acted as though they were in a loving relationship even if they weren’t. On top of this Lizzie had not been ill for a long time now, and in hopes Clay had thought that maybe the worst was behind her, but he never did bring it up. ‘Do you want to go to the fair that’s in town this week?’ Clay asked one morning while in the bathroom brushing his teeth. ‘Aren’t we a little too old for all that now’ Lizzie joked. ‘No I mean as a family, we could take Emily. Come on it’ll be her first fair and you never know, it could be fun’ Clay smiled and Lizzie couldn’t help but give in, his smile was her weakness. ‘Fine’ she said before leaving him alone in the bathroom, as she made it to the door Lizzie got thrown off balance through being a little dizzy. She placed a hand on the door frame to steady herself and after she quickly looked over to see if Clay had noticed this, he hadn’t. However since she was still there it wasn’t long before he turned to face her, Lizzie just smiled and Clay smiled back, and then she quickly fled. It was a couple of days before they found the time to spare to go out for the day; Lizzie approached Clay to let him know. ‘So I just have to pick up Emily after work from my mums and we could go then’ she said towards the end of the conversation, Lizzie was sat on the sofa while Clay stood in the doorway still getting changed for work. As Lizzie finished speaking she closed her eyes and sighed, bringing her hand to her head. ‘You ok?’ Clay asked. ‘Yeah I just have a headache’ Lizzie answered. ‘Ok, well make sure you take some tablets before you leave’ he smiled none the wiser. That evening they travelled to the fair with their daughter, it wasn’t a very big fair ground; a few slot machines scattered around and a lot of rides enough for adults and children alike. They walked around showing Emily all the pretty lights and then they decided to play the 2p machines to start with. Clay brought them two bags of 2p’s, one for Lizzie to play and one for him and Emily to play, he was showing her how to put them in the slot and held her while she did it herself. At this time Lizzie looked over to see them together, she smiled and thought of how happy she was in her life right now and how glad she was to have Emily...and with Clay nonetheless. They moved on to more activities like the fun house, to which Clay enticed Lizzie to go on with him and they both ran around with Emily helping her through the obstacles. It was enjoyable and surely made them laugh, other rides shortly followed like the tea cups and the cars that go round in circles. The day was topped off by burgers and chips at one of the burger stands and then they watched a light show before heading home. As they neared their flat Clay couldn’t help but stop off at the Kebab shop which was near to get more food, for such a small and petite lad Clay could sure eat a lot. When they got in it felt like it had been a long day, Lizzie offered to put Emily to bed while Clay sat down and dug into his kebab. Clay enjoyed every bit of his food but when he had finished he noticed that Lizzie was still missing. He ventured to the kitchen to wash his hands and then went in search for his missing love. He began the hunt for her and found her still in Emily’s room. ‘Hey, I was just reading her a story’ Lizzie said as she noticed Clay standing there. Clay moved into the room and walked over to the Emily’s bed to which he then leaned in and gave Emily a kiss goodnight. Her eyes were shut and she was already sound asleep, he then also gave Lizzie a kiss on the cheek. ‘Come on’ Clay said taking her hand and leaving for the door, Lizzie shut the door behind them and they both travelled to their own bedroom. Clay entered before Lizzie and walking to the other side he took of his jumper and turned to see Lizzie walking in slowly behind him, she didn’t look very good. ‘You ok Liz?’ he asked worried, Lizzie nodded slightly as she closed her eyes, she then swayed on the spot some and before Clay knew what had hit him Lizzie suddenly collapsed on the floor. Clay rushed over panicking and calling out Lizzie’s name, he tried to get her to open her eyes but when she didn’t he rushed over to the phone and called an ambulance. After this he phoned Lizzie’s mother and father to let them know what was going on and ask if one of them could come and watch over Emily so that he could go with Lizzie. Later that night Clay and Lizzie’s mother were waiting patiently for the Doctor to let them know what was happening, but the news they received wasn’t one they wanted. Lizzie’s illness had returned and much worse, they didn’t know what would happen next but told them to expect the worse. Lizzie was eventually awake and looking terrible, Clay didn’t like seeing her this way for she looked way worse than he had ever seen her. He thought to himself, how could one moment be absolutely fine and going smoothly and the next everything just falls apart? Lizzie was healthy for a long time and in one moment she suddenly becomes very ill again. But this time it was different and Clay knew it, the Doctor had told him so and he could see it in her eyes, this time Lizzie’s illness had fallen fatal. Clay slept the night at the hospital by Lizzie’s bedside; he didn’t leave her side all night or even for the next few days. Eventually Lizzie’s mother had to bribe him to go home for the day and night, but while he did he still couldn’t get Lizzie off his mind. She seemed stable at the moment but Clay couldn’t help but think that the worse was defiantly to come. Clay was to find this out when another week passed and Lizzie was still bedbound, a fever had broken out and she was feeling extremely weak. It came apparent to Clay and everyone else that the time had finally come where all their nightmares would come to life. They all knew of the possibility, it certainly looked as though Lizzie was close to her death. Clay felt numb at this time, he was fighting with his feelings inside and so far he had not let them come to surface. Clay had again returned home for another night while Lizzie’s mother stayed the night at the hospital. He was just tucking Emily in and saying goodnight when tears began flowing out his eyes, he didn’t want it to happen and he couldn’t stop it either. It was the first time he had cried since Lizzie fell ill, and watching Emily fall asleep didn’t help matters. He thought of his daughter and how the possibility of him and her being left alone seemed very high. His daughter looked so peaceful as she slept; not knowing or understanding what was happening to her mother, the thoughts kept pouring into Clay’s mind. He collapsed down on the floor next to Emily’s bed and cried more. That night his heart broke and he felt incredible pain, a heartache that was beyond anything anyone could feel unless faced with the same situation. This emotion he was feeling was so strong that it almost made him pass out. Clay lay on the floor for some time, motionless and out of control. The next day Clay rushed to the hospital eager to see Lizzie again, as he entered her room he saw a very sad and tearful woman that was her mother. She looked up to see Clay and told him that Lizzie hadn’t open her eyes all morning and she feared the worse for her, this was something Clay didn’t want to hear and made him tear up. Lizzie’s mother told him she was off to get a coffee and would leave him with her for a while, Clay just half smiled at her. Clay then moved closer to Lizzie’s bed, he took her hand as he sat down next to her and took in a deep breath. It all came down to this, he didn’t know what he was going to do. Clay was way out of his depth, this was beyond his maturity level and he didn’t know how to handle it. The man was hurt...and scared. Lizzie began opening her eyes slowly; she was rigid and moved little by little. She seemed puzzled like she didn’t know where she was, she even looked up at Clay like she didn’t know him. ‘Hey you’ Clay said softly. Eventually Lizzie settled and responded to Clay. ‘Hi’ Lizzie replied very quietly and effortlessly, Clay asked how she was doing but he could tell she was too weak to even answer such a simple question, although she tried. Clay got up and laid down next to Lizzie who rested her head on his chest, he wrapped his arms around her and told her it was all ok. He began telling her that Emily was doing ok and how he spent the day with her, as he spoke Lizzie felt sad and guilty that she couldn’t be with her. Clay then told her that last night he couldn’t stop crying, because he was afraid of what could happen, what will happen. As he told her this he was stroking her arm and it came apparent to him that she felt cold, her skin was colder than it should be. Ignoring his fear he continued with his story, that last night after crying over the possibilities, he wrote her something. It was a poem that he wrote, one that described what Lizzie meant to him and his feelings for her, and he wanted to read it out to her. So Clay began to read what he had written: What beats the thrill
of sky diving? Or the song the
morning bird sings? What’s better than the
sunset settling over the ocean? Or dancing in the
rain; there’s no better joy or emotion. What’s a better choice
than climbing Mount Everest? Or sat watching baby
apes play, in the African forest? How about the greatest
love? The time you first
rode your bike was fun. The satisfaction you
get when the day is done. The company of family
or your closest friends. Great emotions in
life, that which never ends. But there is a feeling
greater than this, One that changes your
view on bliss. It’s called the
greatest love. Sleepless nights or
funny dreams, There’s something on
your mind it seems. Questions without
answers although you try, And goodbyes that will
make you cry. There’s a certain
presence that makes you pause, What is happening,
what is the cause? Symptoms of the
greatest love. The touch of flesh as
you caress, How through the eyes
you both confess. Holding hands, late
night talks, Butterflies in
stomachs, and endless walks. Discovering your soul
mate is quite the test, But once that you have
it, it is the best. Feels like the
greatest love. I love your innocence
and your naive way, How when I see you I
already wish you’d stay. I love that feeling I
get every time that we meet, Or the way you’re
always catching flies as you lay asleep. I love how your lips
feel when it dances with mine, And that you fit in my
arms as perfectly as time. I know you feel
comfortable; you can open up to me, Something you can’t do
with many other males I see. Every time you’re near
I fall in love all over again, As though it was for
the first time, it’s hard to detain. I love being
completely and madly in love with you, But mostly I just love
the way I hate loving you too. And that’s the
greatest love. You’re my greatest love. Clay finished reading the poem and he could feel Lizzie trying to move, she was trying to open her mouth to speak but it proved very difficult. ‘It’s ok; you don’t have to say anything’ Clay protested, but it didn’t stop her from trying. ‘I want -’ Lizzie began. ‘...you to know...I do love you’ she finished with a tiredness breath. Clay held her tight; a tear squeezed its way out of one of his eyes. ‘I know you do...just not the way I have always loved you...’ Clay said back, he kissed her on her head and more tears rolled down his cheek. At that moment he felt Lizzie stop breathing, her eyes stayed tightly closed and she turned ever colder. Clay cried harder than he ever had before in his life and ever thought he could, he continued to hold Lizzie closer to him as she sadly dies in his arms.© 2013 Tony DM Hayward |
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