Biting the Bullet

All is fair in love and war...

August 14^th 2009, somewhere in Kent.

Darkness is about tonight, it follows me everywhere. It has been sunny for months but today, tonight, was different. The greyest of clouds I have seen covered the sky above me. And from them heavy rain drowned me. It had only taken but seconds to completely soak me from head to toe, though being wet wasn’t what was on my mind at this moment. It was as if the sky was telling me something, that it knew what I was about to do. But who could blame me right? He had taken everything from me, the one thing that meant most to me, the one thing we both had loved. And now I was left feeling empty, a leftover shell that’s of no use to anyone or anything. I had felt the deep pain once but now, nothing.

I now rested my head back on the cold stone wall, down an alleyway in which I was sat on the wet ground. I was hidden too far down for anyone to see me but at this point I wouldn’t care if someone had seen me. I don’t know the real reason I was sat here, I don’t even know how long I’ve been down here for. I just know I was anticipating what I was about to do. Taking it all in, however I never once doubted this. I looked down to my hands which rested in my lap, I was gripping at the deadly metal object I carried with me, so tight in fact it started to make my fingers turn blue.

It is time. No more waiting.

I started to stand, still gripping at the cold thing in my palm. When off the wet floor I stood still for a while, but strong. I found that there were no longer nerves coursing through my body. I was going to do this.

My feet moved me forwards. A rusted red door was presented in front of me. The door that was going to give me access to what I wanted to do, that would change my life forever. And not for the better. Pushing through the rain I couldn’t stop thinking about the reason why I was here, what had drove me to such extreme lengths.

 

So many years earlier…

 

July 3^rd 2006, Gloucester.

It all began in Gloucester where I lived, in the summer in which I first met her. This was also the summer I met new faces, which soon became good friends. I was sat at home alone as another boring week passed by; when on msn I received a message from an old friend. Her name was Christine and she attended the same senior school as I did. Only I haven’t seen her in a long while. We got to talking and she said that I should come out with her on Saturday. She was going clubbing with friends, one of them being another old friend from school who I also haven’t seen in ages. And also with his mates. And then she was going to stay the night over his flat with a few others. Of course I agreed, I’m not really much of a club person but I was looking forward to meeting up with Mickey. He was more of an older friend than Christine and any of my other senior school friends; I have known Mickey since we were little kids.

Saturday rolled around and I was putting on my blue converse shoes before I was on my way to meet Christine. I decided on wearing a blue stripped t-shirt with my usual Saint Christopher gold chain, a pair of my favourite dark jeans and my new cream jacket. If I do say so myself, I thought I looked pretty damn good. Within the next hour I had met up with Christine at The Regal, a pub in town (at this point I hadn’t yet turned eighteen). Along with Christine I met her friend Sarah, I had met her once at one of Christine‘s birthday parties.

The three of us left early because no under-eighteens were allowed in after certain hours. So that’s when we met up with Mickey, gosh he looked different, but then I most likely look different to him also. When arriving at his flat I met his friends. Another old friend from school and ones that would soon become new friends of mine. In the mix were Sophie (who I use to hang out with at lunch times along with Mickey, Christine and more), her boyfriend, a girl named Jas, another named Lucy, a homosexual guy named Taz and Mickey’s girlfriend. The gang was preparing to go clubbing but before we went I was enjoying the time catching up with Mickey and getting to know all his mates. As we were walking through town I was told by Jas that we were about to meet two of her friends who were joining us at the club. Little did I know that these two would become a big part of my life, along with Mickey. Sure enough, standing outside McDonalds, were two female strangers who started greeting Jas. Jas turned not long after to introduce me as Tobey. The girl’s names were Lauren and a beautiful sight I’ve never seen, Ginny. They quickly warned me about Ginny’s constant habit of giggling, I didn’t think much of it until it became more clear later on, when the whole day I witnessed her giggles. Ginny was a girl with the sweetest nature around, she always had such a positive and fun-loving attitude. I took to her quickly.

That same night I spent the time at the club flirting, obviously, with Ginny, who to my wonderful surprise I noticed was flirting back. Or at least I think she was flirting with me. A few of us were dancing and I was left on the U shaped sofa with Jas, Lauren & Ginny. We were all lying on top of one another, and I found myself wearing an item from each of them. Laurens gothic black & pink glove on my left hand, Jas` jacket. Not long after the two went off to dance as well, and Ginny & I remained seated. Ginny shuffled over to sit closer and holding out a bracelet she told me that it was to go with the collection.

We started talking for what was ten minutes but the music being too loud made it hard to hear each other. I asked in hope if she would like to go for a walk with me and then we could talk some more. Again she surprised me with a yes and we left the club together. Outside was a lovely moonlit evening which took me to a place where only Ginny & I existed. I began feeling braver and more confident as the more we talked. Question after question I found out she was single, at 16 years of age and just my type of girl. We talked about our hobbies and the things we liked. When I heard her saying that she’s always wanted to learn ballroom dancing I grinned. This was it, the perfect opportunity to romance her, and then see how she responds.

‘I use to take ballroom classes.’ I told her.

‘Really?’ She looked interested. Good start.

‘When I was younger.’

‘Are you any good?’ Perfect, here’s my opening, my one chance.

‘Don’t know. Let’s find out.’ I held my hand out to her. She gladly took it and I slowly span her in before taking starting position. ‘Just follow my lead.’ I told her. Then we were off, to tell you the truth, she was actually pretty good. I showed off with a few moves here and there, then after a while I pulled her closer. We remained swaying, chest to chest, only to the music in our heads. It was a perfect moment, to a perfect night.

We made our way back to the club. When arriving back I saw Mickey, Jas and the rest all exiting the club, Jas was the first to spot us.

‘Where did you two go?’ She asked us.

‘A walk.’ I replied before turning my attention to Mickey and off the subject. We agreed that we were ready to return back to Mickey’s flat, I know that I was surely tired. We said our farewells to Lauren, Jas & Ginny, since they were not staying at Mickey’s with the rest of us. I gave them all hugs. When it came to hugging Ginny I held on a little tighter, stealing only the seconds longer that I could. She even gave me a comment about giving good hugs after. Then asked if I was going clubbing again the following week.

Within that week I found out information that I only hoped would be rumours, of Mickey & Ginny getting together. And when I say together I mean as in a relationship. But he already had a girlfriend right. Well apparently they broke it off and when meeting up with Ginny…well, it started out as a joke. But Mickey & Ginny were now dating.

What happened? It wasn’t that long, days in fact, that I myself took an interest in her. And now she was unavailable. Just my luck.

 

May 17^th 2007, Gloucestershire College, Gloucester.

Almost a year later since those events took place last summer. From that moment on I spent more time at Mickey’s flat becoming close friends with Ginny & Lauren and regaining my old friendship with Mickey. The only downside to spending my weekends at Mickey’s were the painful memories I created of seeing them together, the constant thought of how that should be me with Ginny, holding her. And it would have been, if Mickey hadn’t stolen that chance away from me. A part of me hates him for that. I don’t like that feeling and he will always remain my friend. But that emotion still exists, deep beyond the darkest caves inside, hidden from even myself.

The four of us then began sleeping over at Lauren’s house, I met her mum, and we continued our journey of friendship together.

Now, nearly a year later, another event between Ginny & I will take me by surprise. And show me an inkling of that which I still feel.

 

Being around the two of them, watching them together all loved up, was making me beyond unhinged. But I continued to be courageous, stalwart and pretend I wasn’t in love with Ginny. For their sake.

The truth was I had once hoped that all the attraction towards Ginny were pure infatuation. But as time went on nothing changed, if anything my feelings grew more potent.

What I thought was going to be another boring and ordinary day, would surely prove me wrong. I had already got through half of the day at college. It was 12:30pm and I was finishing off my packed lunch (in this time of my life I hadn’t yet got off my lazy a*s and got a job). This morning so far had been torture to say the least, the only activity we had been doing was the constant research.

I was in deep conversation when I noticed two girls standing behind me, as I turned there, stood before me, were Lauren & Ginny smiling. I greeted them with my usual hugs and that’s when I noticed there was something off about Ginny. I was almost immediately answered by Ginny herself, who explained that Mickey and she had a huge fight. He admitted to her that he no longer deserved her, no longer loved her, and lots more stupidly comments. He then broke it off with her. This I thought was odd, which I told her so. I’ve known Mickey for years and this behaviour wasn’t like him.

I felt ashamed. Guilty. I knew I shouldn’t be thinking what I was thinking when I heard this. At least not this earlier on, the moment she told me. See what I was thinking were happy thoughts, a small glimmer of hope that Mickey & Ginny was broken up for good and I would finally have my chance. After a year of it being taken away from me. I felt like a bad person thinking these thoughts, but that came from the part of me that was hidden away, the dark part, the evil side.

I was suddenly snapped back into reality, aware to what was happening in front of me. I now became the good guy once again, the one who hides everything he’s feeling for the good of others. It was the hurt in her eyes and the tears forming rapidly that did it. I reached out my arms and pulled her close for a tight loving hug. It felt good to be holding her; I only wished it was within different circumstances.

I was a wreck in that moment. Too many emotions bubbling up inside me. A part of me feeling terrible because I secretly didn’t want them to get back together, because I was still in love with Ginny and would give anything to be with her. And the other part of me wanting to do the right thing, be her friend and tell her that everything was going to be alright. A small part hoping they would get back together so she could be happy.

I was a wreck.

A couple of days later I was on my way to Lauren’s house. It was a Saturday evening and I had just finished work. I wasn’t really feeling up to going because Lauren asked me to go down to help Ginny out. Help get Mickey and her back together, or something. I was running late because I hadn’t finished work until 5:30pm, so by the time I got home, changed my work cloths and had something to eat, it would be around 6:30pm. Then it takes me twenty minutes to ride my bike down to Lauren’s place.

As I stepped out of my house I looked to the sky. Perfect! Not only did I not want to go to Laurens but it looked as if it was about to rain. The clouds were so heavy and dark, I was sure it would rain soon. When I arrived at Laurens I was greeted by Mickey and Lauren at the door. Or greeted not quite being the right words.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked curiosity taking over as to why they were leaving the house. ‘Where’s Ginny?’ I asked a second question before getting an answer to my first question. Before I was answered Mickey walked straight passed me without even a glance and continued to stride down the road. I looked back at Lauren confused and wanting answers.

‘It’s Ginny…she had a big argument with Mickey and ran off crying. We don’t know where she’s gone.’ Lauren explained.

‘Did you try her house?’

‘No not yet. I’m gonna ring her house in a minute.’ A sudden thought popped into my head, Ginny once told me of her favorite spot she secretly liked to visit alone, when she was lonely or upset. Without telling Lauren that I might know where Ginny is I told her it is best to spilt up.

‘That’s what me and Mickey thought.’ Lauren replied. I quickly hopped back on my bike and rode off. Before long I came to a narrow road, this was a road that continued for miles and with only fields and a few houses surrounding it. My prediction came true, sure enough it began to rain hard, the type of rain that soaks you head to toe in minutes. This was a pain in the a*s because it now became harder riding against the wind and rain. A mile and a half later I slowed down. To my right was a small gate that gave access to an enormous field of dry pale grass. In the middle, stood a thick and tall willow tree which gave a sort of beauty to the scenery. Under the willow tree stood a figure sheltered by the rain. I was right; as I got closer the figure was revealed as Ginny. She too was wet, I can only guess from before she got under the tree.

‘Hey you…what you doing all the way out here? In the rain none the less.’ I spoke out loud as I walked even closer.

‘How’d you know where to find me?’

‘I remember you telling me about this place.’

‘You remembered that?’ A small smile came across her face.

‘Of course I remembered…I remember everything about you.’ I don’t even know where that came from but it seeped through my lips either way. A bigger smile spread across Ginny’s face now. ‘So you wanna talk to me?’ I asked, Ginny explained everything to me from the beginning. This time she didn’t burst into tears, I think because she was angry at him this time. However she must have been crying before I arrived.

‘I just don’t get him…it’s like he changed into someone I don’t know.’

‘Well you know, I’ve known him for a long time, and I can’t believe he would say the things he has.’

‘Why you being so kind to me anyway. We’ve never been close before.’ I was shocked at her response, but then it was true, we have never been this close. I have always tried to keep my distance.

‘Because you’re my friend. And no matter how close we are you know you can always come to me when you need to talk or a shoulder to cry on.’

‘I shouldn’t be putting all this on you. I’m not worth the trouble.’

‘Look, I can’t represent Mickey but…the guy must be out of his mind to have broken it off with you. I can’t possible think what was running through his head; you’re worth all the trouble and more.’ Nothing else was said after that, nothing more needed to be said. We just sat quietly, both deep in thought.

I knew then that my feelings for Ginny would most likely never subside. I knew if my love could last a year then there was a big chance it could last longer, maybe even forever.

 

January 22^nd 2008, Gloucester.

Another year gone by. Another step in my journey towards my ultimate destiny. Or rather should I say more than just the one step. This year was how should I say, an eventful year. After last year Ginny and I became closer, with our often deep conversations we had. It came to a point where we together were friends, away from Mickey & Lauren. And when Mickey couldn’t be there for her I would fill in. For example, sometimes when Mickey wasn’t around she would invite me round her house to ‘cure her boredom’ she would say. It was nice, a part from secretly being in love with her, we actually had a lot in common. She liked to draw, I liked to draw. She plays the piano, I want to play piano.

So Mickey was away on holiday for two weeks, and no sooner then he left did Ginny ring me up saying that she was bored. I really couldn’t be bothered to ride my bike all the way up to Quedgeley where she lived; I was much happier sitting at home watching my TV. Ginny however didn’t give up so easily, pleading in an over-exaggerated voice. Eventually she enticed me to come, through means of films, knowing perfectly well that I loved watching my movies. In the end I gave in and near enough spent the whole day at Ginny’s house, we were the only ones there since her parents were out at work. We had a go jumping on the trampoline where I tried showing off, but instead ended up flat on my a*s. After that I then spent some time listening to her play the piano.

She played so beautifully.

I slowly wondered over to her and sat down next to her on the piano seat. ‘You know I’ve always wanted to be able to play.’ I told her as I stupidly placed my hands on the piano keys and began to just hit any note. The sound was terrible, but I made sure Ginny knew I was doing it on purpose with a cheeky smile. She smiled back and rolled her eyes at me.

‘Do you want me to teach you a song?’ She asked.

‘Ok.’ I simply replied.

‘Start with these keys.’ She pressed down on a few keys and I proudly copied her. She then pressed a few more, but this time I must have not seen her clearly because I hit the wrong ones.

‘No! Not that one!’ She spat at me. ‘These ones.’ She repeated her action to the correct keys and this time I got them right. ‘Now put it altogether.’ I tried my best but I messed up on a few keys. When trying again Ginny placed her hands on top of mine and for a moment, a split second in time, I felt like I was on cloud nine. I couldn’t say the same for Ginny because all she gave me back was one of her knee buckling smiles.

‘Eventually it should sound like this.’ Ginny took over and started playing the piece of music she was teaching me. I loved watching her play, she seemed like she was in her own little world. She was truly exquisite.

‘Show off.’ I looked down at my wrist watch and the time was already 3:00pm.

‘Are you hungry?’ Ginny asked me.

‘Not really.’

‘Well I’m gonna make you some of my best homemade cookies, whether you are or not.’ She smiled up at me before getting up and cheerfully walked past me. I willingly followed her to the kitchen where she wasted no time in getting out the mixing bowl, spoon, baking tray etc.

It didn’t take long before her ingredients became mixed dough. I just loved watching as she mixed; the concentrating look on her face was cute. She dipped her finger into the mixing bowl and scooped up a little of the dough, she then brought her finger to her mouth and tasted it.

‘Mmm, I am good.’ She smiled at me. ‘Try some.’ She held the bowl up to me.

‘It’s good.’ I lied to her. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t like cookies, let alone cookie dough.

‘Have some more.’

‘No thanks.’

‘Go on.’ She persisted.

‘No, save it for the cookies.’ I tried my hardest but it didn’t matter what I had said, she still scooped some more dough onto her finger and raised her arm up to be level with my mouth. I folded my lips shut; squeezing them tight together and I made it obvious at what I was doing. In doing so Ginny thought she would be clever by wiping the dough on my face, smearing it into my lips and chin. Shocked at her finding this hilarious I grabbed almost half of the dough from the bowl. I then held some of it to the air, as if I were about to throw it.

‘You wouldn’t dare…you like me too much.’ She said. Trying to escape her fate. But I wasn’t about to give in.

‘Wanna bet.’ I said, throwing the dough at her straight after. It hit her on her neck and she screeched out loud.

‘Oh my god, some of that went down my top…you’ve had it now.’ As I heard these words I quickly turned and ran. I knew what was coming and I was right, as I saw out of the corner of my eye her grabbing at the dough. I ran to the end of the kitchen to hide behind the dinner table, but before I could reach it I felt some of the dough hit me in the back.

I don’t know how long this continued but we broke out into a huge cookie dough food fight, running about the kitchen, laughing (Ginny more giggling than laughing), and making a complete mess. Soon after Ginny was the first to speak up and surrender.

‘Ok, ok. I give up.’ She shouting, now being the one under the table. She slowly stood with both hands raised in the air. Seeing no dough held in her hand I decided to trust her.

‘Ok I’m coming out.’ I appeared into her view from beneath the sink. And then walk out from behind the side, so that my whole body could be seen. She slowly walked around the table and I moved forward towards her. That’s when she sneakily got one more pay back, by grabbing at a bit of dough on the table and throwing it at me, hitting me to the forehead. I ran at her and trying to escape she buckled over her feet, doing my best to save her I ended up being dragged down with her. I managed to pull her towards me but I lost my balance as well and fell flat on my back with Ginny on top of me. I didn’t know what she was thinking at the time but I was sure there was some chemistry going on between us, our faces lingered very close to one another’s as we just laughed at the situation at hand. Not too soon after we rose from the floor, only to look around and find the kitchen completely squalid, covered wall to wall in dough.

‘My mum is gonna kill me.’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll help clean up.’

Later that day after sweating it out from tiding up the kitchen Ginny and I settled down to a movie, after all she did promise. It was half way through the movie when Ginny suddenly jumped and seemed perturbed about something.

‘Are you ok?’ I asked.

‘What’s the time?’ I looked down at my watch.

‘Wow it’s already 6:30.’ I told her.

‘It is…? My parents should have been home by now.’ Ginny began to be worried.

‘I’m sure it’s nothing.’

‘I don’t know…their never late.’ She got up and headed for the house phone, dialing her mother’s number she then waited patiently. ‘Mum. Are you on your way home…? Yeah…ok. Tobey, turn on the news…ok…what about dad…? Do you know when you’ll be allowed to come home…? Ok…well Tobey’s here with me…’ Her conversation didn’t end there but it didn’t go on much longer either. Turning the TV to the news I began listening to the woman sat behind the desk. She started talking about the updates on a storm, explaining that the storm was heading our way and that it was the biggest and strongest one to ever come near us. Only it was travelling right through our town. She then went on about no one going outside, to lock all doors, board windows if we could, take down any heavy or dangerous object that were kept at a height. And so on.

‘What’s all this about?’ I said. I couldn’t believe something like this would happen to us, nothing this big ever happens here.

‘My mum says they’ve been talking about the storm all day and that they’re not allowed to leave the building, same with my dad. Apparently everyone’s recommended to stay indoors, no one’s even attempting to wonder outside.’ I could see the fear in Ginny’s eyes; she never was any good at these situations. She was such a scaredy-cat when it comes to even the smallest things, let alone something life-fretting.

‘So what do we do…?’ Ginny spoke, not really knowing what to say.

‘Don’t worry; I’ll take care of everything. Everything’s going to be fine.’ I told her with my most confident voice I could, but in reality I felt just as unsettled and worried as she was. I began scattering around the house turning it into a sort of safe house, using some of the tips giving on the news. Once done I finished by locking up the front and back doors down stairs and boarding up the living room windows.

‘What’s that for?’ Ginny asked about the touches and candles I held in my hands.

‘A storm is more than likely to cut the power…’ I explained before disappearing again, then returning with more candles and a blanket. ‘Do you want to finish watching the film…? It might take our minds off all this.’

‘Sure.’ She didn’t sound to enthusiastic about the idea but I continued the DVD. The film soon finished and I noticed throughout that Ginny’s mind was elsewhere; I don’t think she heard one word from the film. But who could blame her.

‘Do you wanna watch another film?’

‘No.’ She said softly.

‘Well how about a board game? Or cards perhaps? You know, something to keep your mind off what your mind is on.’ She seemed not to hear me, that or she didn’t care. Just then all that was naked to the eyes had suddenly turned dark. A black out. ‘Well we couldn’t watch a film even if we wanted too.’

‘How did you know the lights would go out?’

‘I don’t know, too many films I guess.’ I then heard the faint sound of sobbing coming from in front of me. I felt around the coffee table in front of me and found the lighter I retrieved along with the candles. When I finished lighting the last candle the room became visible once more with the flickering glow of the burning flames. My guess was right; Ginny was rubbing her eyes dry from temporarily crying.

‘Sorry…you must think I’m stupid.’ She said.

‘Not at all…I think you’re human.’ She spat out one short laugh.

In time we had managed to shift in different positions around the living room, I was previously spread across the sofa staring to the ceiling with only my thoughts, and Ginny was sat over in the window. She was sat in a ball hugging her knees tightly to her chest. I was completely zoned out until Ginny had shuffled over and was staring down at me. At this point the winds outside had picked up and were blowing strong against the house, making terrible noise that would frighten anyone. I sat up and without any words being spoken she positioned herself next to me, resting in my arms. I embraced her into a tight hug and we spent the rest of the night cuddling up to each other, listening to the worse storm.

Trust myself to end up in another situation like this one. On one hand I felt trapped in a box, in half darkness, with a storm howling, screaming at us, trying hard to beat down the door and crumble the house on top of us. Then on the other hand I felt warm and strong, holding the one I loved close to my heart, protecting her from all evil, letting her know without speech that I was always going to be there for her. Even when she needed me the most.

Talk about when it rains it pours.

 

February 8^th, Gloucester.

A couple of weeks after the storm hit. Ginny and I grow ever so closer. I was being a fool in thinking that Ginny and I were just friends. Friends don’t spend the time we have together. They don’t rely on one another as much as Ginny did me, they don’t think about the other as much as I did Ginny, or friends don’t spend an entire day talking on the phone…do they?

Who am I kidding? I decided to let it go. Maybe I was over thinking this. Maybe I just wanted there to be more so badly that I was being fooled into believing it was coming true.

 

I was speeding down the motorway in my car, Ginny sat in the passenger side next to me. I looked over to my left; she sat there with her radiant smile, the window down and shades on. While I sang along to my CD mix of popular rock n roll songs dating back to the 60’s. We were headed towards hours of driving, making our way to a relative of Ginny’s, her great Aunt. She was meant to go with Mickey but falling to do so she turned to me for help. It took a lot of begging for her to get me to take her but who was I to resist. The road trip would take a full day to arrive at our destination, being the reason why we had left so early. However a few hours of laughter and road trip fun and games both Ginny and I needed a break. Ginny suggested we stop in a summer town that had a beach, to ‘relax’ and ‘sunbathe’ is what she had said. I agreed of course, time out of the car was just what I needed.

I opened my eyes to be blinded by the sun, Ginny just happened to have stolen my sun glasses from my car to use for her own. I was laying upon the sand cooking from the suns heat when I subtly looked over to Ginny, a questioned popping into my head.

‘Ginny. Can I ask you something without freaking you out?’

‘Sure.’ She remained laying face up.

‘It’s just something I’ve been wondering. Back when we first met, do you think I ever had a chance with you?’ I asked nervously.

She stayed silent for quite a while, but then she said. ‘Yes…the first day we met I thought you were cute.’

‘Do you think if Mickey hadn’t met you so soon, that we might be the ones together?’ Again she paused.

‘I’m with Mickey, so I can’t say. But a couple of years ago there was a good chance.’ I saw the awkwardness on her face and quickly changed the subject.

‘Ice cream?’ Ginny noticed the ice cream van I was looking at and replied with a big fat yes. I took my wallet with me and ordered our ice cream cones. I turned back around. And there she sat in the distant, a Goddess upon the sand. She was more radiant than other today, the sun’s light shown down glistening on her angelic face. She always knew how to make me feel warm inside. Or was that the sun. I didn’t know, it didn’t matter. I’ve never met anyone in all my years who could make me feel good about myself, at my best. And yet saddened, soaked with pain at the same time. I see the beauty in her even if others did not; she’s the girl I would go to the ends of the world for. But she’s with my friend, and I know I will never be with her as long as she is with him.

Something cold and sticky is felt running between my fingers. Looking down at my hand I suddenly realised that I was still holding our ice creams which was now melting in my hand.

‘Enjoying yourself?’ I joined her, towering over her as she sunbathes.

‘I knew stopping here would be worth it.’ She told me. She sat up before I handed her the ice cream, I parked myself next to her. As I finished off my delicious dessert a shadow appeared over head. Ginny and I looked up to find a male in his early twenties staring back at us.

‘Hey strangers…’ He said. ‘You’re not from around here are you?’ He asked us, but it looked like his attention was more towards Ginny.

‘No.’ I replied coldly.

‘I can tell these sorts of things.’ He continues smiling at Ginny, never once taking his eyes off her. ‘Well you haven’t experienced the beach until you’ve experienced one of my beach parties. So please, do come.’ He then handed Ginny a flyer.

‘I’ll think about it.’ Ginny said softly.

‘Please do. It will defiantly be worth going if you’re there.’ He finished his flirting and walked off looking pleased with himself. I despised him already and most defiantly did not want to attend any party he was going to be at. However Ginny argued her way into going, and no matter how well I made my case I gave into her in the end.

So after the sun set with its hot colours of reds, yellows and oranges, we were met with the equally beautiful night sky complete with stars and the moon. I stood close to the roaring bonfire, feeling the blazing heat, and staring into the depths of its flames. I was surrounded by a crowd of people partying, but felt completely alone at the time. And on top of that I had no idea where Ginny had wondered off to. Why didn’t Ginny see that that guy was bad news.

‘Hello.’ I turned my head to my left and there stood a pretty brunette girl who handed me a drink. I knew it was an alcoholic drink but I didn’t care and accepted her offering. ‘I saw you over here all alone. I thought you might want some company.’

‘Thanks.’ I said stupidly.

‘Chasity.’ She held out a hand which I shook it replying with my own name.

‘Tobey.’ She began a conversation in which I never heard a word of what she was saying. My attention was on Ginny who I now saw further in the distant speaking with another stranger. He seemed to be standing very close to her.

‘Excuse me.’ I spoke in mid-conversation, as I handed Chasity the drink back and then left her presence. Heading towards Ginny and the stranger I could now see him try and make a move on her, but Ginny pulled back. The stranger then tried a second time only a little more forceful, but again Ginny pulled back, this time pushing him away. However the stranger didn’t stop, no matter how many times he was rejected. He began getting more violent forcing himself upon her. I quickened my pace and could hear Ginny calling out.

‘Stop! I have a boyfriend…No!’ I could hear she was frightened in her voice.

‘Hey. She said back off.’

‘Who are you, her father?’ SMACK! I took a swing to his jaw throwing him backwards to the sand.

F**k! That hurt.

He didn’t stay down for long and when he rose I saw the anger in his eyes. What the f**k am I getting myself in to?

‘That was a stupid mistake.’ He wiped off the blood coming from his bottom lip. ‘You don’t know who you’re messing with.’ He scared me. But what scared me more was the knife he now held in his hand. I stepped to my side to stand in front of Ginny. The last thing I wanted was for her to get hurt because of me.

‘Come on then smart guy. Let’s see what you’re made of.’ He tormented me. But he didn’t waste more time with speech, he came at me with the knife in front. I managed to block it by grabbing hold of his arm, but before I knew what was happening he knees me in the stomach and thrust the knife into me. All of a sudden time had slowed down, moving ever so heavy. The strangers face was inches from mine and I was staring into the beast’s eyes, his teeth snaring at me. He drew back the knife; I could hear screams from around me, some coming from Ginny. And then I felt my legs give way and I began to fall, ending up on my back and with Ginny already at my side. By now I could only gather that the stranger was long gone. I hear Ginny telling someone close to ring the ambulance and then I heard a girl’s voice speaking on the phone. All sounds still echoing through my ears.

‘You’re so stupid Tobey…’ The sounds returned to their original state and I was faced with Ginny looking down at me, my head somehow resting on her lap. How did I end up here? Ginny had tears in her eyes, I wonder why. My t-shirt was wet; I put a hand to the wet spot and brought it up to my face. Blood was sticking to my fingers. And then I remembered. ‘Why’d you do it?’ She sobbed.

‘I wanted to protect you, keep you safe.’

‘What!’

‘I never want anything bad to happen to you. I’d do anything to keep that from happening. And I want you to know…that you’re safe with me.’

‘I already do. You don’t have to prove that to me. I always feel safe when you’re around, even in the darkest night. You always know how to put a smile on my face when others don’t. And you can always make me feel better, even when I don’t want you to.’ She smiles at me, taking the pain I feel away. ‘So no more throwing yourself in front of knives for me.’

‘I can’t do that. I would throw myself in front of a bullet if it meant keeping you unharmed. I would do anything for you. I don’t think you realise how much you really mean to me. Don’t you see… ?’ My chest felt heavy, and I could see a tear rolling down Ginny’s face. And then something happened, an event I never thought I would see come true. Ginny began to move closer, slowly as it may be but enough to notice. She was actually leaning into me. I mirrored her actions and we became dangerously close to kissing. So close in fact that I felt the ever so light brush of her top lip. Before she jumped back in reaction to the ambulances siren. I almost wished it hadn’t come when it did. Though any longer and I might have passed out.

I had ruined our plans, something I didn’t intend. After resting up in the hospital, we had to have Ginny’s parents come collect us and bring us and my car back home. This I knew, in Ginny’s parent’s eyes, I would never live down. I just hope I hadn’t disappointed Ginny too much. We returned home and I stayed in bed resting up for weeks, as I reflected on what happened at the beach, or what could have happened if the ambulance made its appearance a little later.

I knew two important pieces of information that Saturday evening. The first being, that I was sure that deep down inside, Ginny had feelings for me too. Even if it was the slightest amount, it was still there. But she didn’t know it herself; she was blind to it, a secret kept from even her.

The second being, that I would do absolutely nothing about it. I realised then that I could, I could win her heart if I wanted to, make her fall for me. But I would begin down a long road of destruction, causing Ginny pain, which I couldn’t bear to do. And destroy my close friendship with Mickey. An action I would certainly regret.

No. I would keep quiet and do nothing. I would continue my suffering in silence.

 

June 14^th 2009, Train station, Gloucester.

It must have been around 10:00am in the morning when Ginny stood in the freezing cold at our local train station, a suitcase in her hand. She had been planning to leave town for over a week, but the events that took place yesterday was what pushed her over the edge.

I rushed out onto the platform scanning franticly through the crowd looking for Ginny. I see her; she looks so lonely and upset. I think deep down she doesn’t want to go. She looks down at her watch then almost instantly when looking back up she spots me, I smile at her.

‘Hey…I know you said if I loved you I wouldn’t come, but I just…’

Ginny cuts me off. ‘Tobey it’s ok. I’m glad you did.’ With both smile, I knew she didn’t really want to leave. ‘I’ve been hoping you’d show.’

‘I was awake all last night, thinking of what I could say to make you stay, but I realised nothing I could say would change your mind…Ginny I love you so much and I want to be with you no matter what happens. That’s why I’ve decided I’m leaving with you.’ Ginny then noticed for the first time the bag I carried with me.

‘What…I’m flattered but you can’t just leave, I mean you have so much going for you here. You have your family, friends, your life’s here!’

‘You’re my life; I want to be with you!’

‘Tobey I’m sorry, but I can’t let you leave with me.’

‘Ginny…’

‘Tobey no! Before you say anything else think about it, it will never work. I’m leaving because I have nothing here to stay for. I know it sounds bad and I do love you but us being together isn’t enough for me to stay…so I can’t let you leave with me for that reason!’

‘You don’t mean that!’ The emotion was now showing in my voice.

‘Tobey…’ Ginny doesn’t want to say the words but she knows she has to, she feels she can‘t let me go with her. Thinking it will ruin my life. ‘…I do.’ She finally finishes.

‘Ginny you mean everything to me. You’re the one I want next to me when I make all my dreams come true and you’re the one I want next to me even when I fail. As long as I have you nothing else matters.’ Ginny looks down to the floor, I could tell this was as hard for her as much as it was for me.

‘Tobey, if you leave with me, one day you’ll wake up and resent me for allowing you to come with me. The same way I would resent you for making me stay.’

‘You’re saying no, you don’t want us.’

‘No…I’m not. I love you so much I’m just saying not now. I want you so much and I love you for doing this for me, but you got to stay and follow your own path. Your own journey.’

I felt so overwhelmed, never have I felt this way in my life before. I reach out for Ginny and we hug. Our faces remain close, nose to nose, and forehead to forehead. I could feel tears starting to burn in my eyes.

‘I love you so much…you should go now.’ I say.

‘It’ll be ok. We‘ll be ok. Who knows, maybe someday our paths will cross again. If it’s meant to be we’ll see each other again.’

‘Just go…’ I couldn’t take it any longer, she needed to go now or I might never let her go. I was surprise at my strength, but I now knew that she needed this. Ginny got on the train as I watched broken-hearted, alone. As I turn around I see none other than Mickey standing before me. It seemed he came for the reason I did, looking for Ginny. However he found me instead. I could see it in his eyes, the rage of anger building up inside. He marches towards me.

‘Mickey! Look I’m sorry!’ I started.

‘Do you love her? DO YOU LOVE HER?’ He ranted.

‘Yeah. I’m in love with her.’

‘Not like I love her.’ He continued to spit at me.

‘I’m not the one who hits her, how can you say you love her after that.’ Mickey suddenly draws a gun in anger and a confused-like state. I was surprised.

‘Mick…mate…what are you doing?’

‘Now who loves her more?’ Mickey seemed unbalanced. I wanted to keep him as calm as I could.

‘Just put the gun down and we can talk about this.’ My attempt was a failure.

‘Maybe I don’t want to talk….you ever thought of that. I just want you both to feel the way I feel!’ Mickey put his hand to his head like he had a headache or something.

‘You won’t shoot me, so just put the gun away.’

‘Shut up…’

‘No, if you were going to shoot me you would have done it by now!’

‘I’m warning you shut up…’ Mickey was gaining redness in his face.

I don’t know what made me do it but I suddenly burst out. ‘Shoot me! Go on, SHOOT ME!’ Falling to the floor in front of him I moved to position my head right in front of the gun. Oh god, what was I doing. Mickey started to convulse. Watching the madness in his eyes I decided to test his limits, I don’t know what came over me but a sudden impulse made me fight back. Mickey and I broke off in affray. I knocked the gun out of his hands and took a swing at his jaw. He fought back with swings off his own, forcing me backwards to the ground. My jaw felt like shattered glass, I was momentarily stunned. When I looked around I saw Mickey picking up the gun and pointing it at me. Only this time he didn’t hesitate, he never wasted a moment.

He fires the gun!

At that precise time Ginny gets in the way protecting me only to get shot herself. Stupid girl! She must have seen what was going on. Ginny tumbles backwards into my arms as I catch her. It all went by so fast and before I knew it she was bleeding in my grip. I start tearing as I cling to her. Above me Mickey falls to his knees.

‘I…you…’ He stumbles to his feet, losing all control over his own mind. He drops the gun and escapes the scene. I’m left holding Ginny to my chest, my tears falling to her face.

‘Ginny…talk to me! SOMEONE HELP…please. It’s going to be ok; I’m going to get some help. HELP ME…I know you didn’t mean what you said, I‘ll never leave you…Ginny. Don’t you do it, don’t you die on me. Fight it Ginny….Ginny…I love you…I always will.’

Seeing her die in my arms like that was unbearable, but I was forced to watch, to listen to her last breath.

 

 

Five weeks prior to this day…

 

I don’t know why I put myself through all this. Of course I knew, I loved her. Every mistake, every gormless decision I’ve made or will make, I would gladly make again for her.

I couldn’t hide it anymore. I didn’t care if it was my best friend who was dating the one I loved. I didn’t care who I was going to hurt or what the consequence would be…but I now wanted to pursue my feelings with Ginny.

The time we spend together and the little moments we’ve had has the potential to become so much more. The worse thing about it, was I knew that.

I spent another night over my friend Lauren’s house with Mickey and Ginny. With the look Mickey was giving me at every turn I started worrying that maybe he knew how I felt about his girlfriend. I tried not to think on the matter too much. Around 9:00pm Lauren wanted to go down to the Chinese takeaway because she was hungry, Mickey agreed. However Ginny admitted that she wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to leave the house, without even saying a word Mickey himself spoke up and asked me if I could stay with Ginny. Since I didn’t want anything myself.

I asked Ginny what she wanted to do and she said that we could start watching a film while we share the pot of chocolate ice cream.

‘Ice cream? I thought you weren’t hungry?’

‘I said I wasn’t hungry for Chinese…not ice cream.’ Ginny replied with a cheeky smile that I couldn’t resist.

‘I must admit, ice cream sounds pretty sweet right now.’ So that is exactly what we did. Ginny and I got the pot of ice cream, two spoons, popped in a film and settled on the couch together.

As we eat we started chatting and laughing together. I looked over at her sitting but an inch away from me, she kept her eyes down on the pot of ice cream and I couldn’t help but to notice how beautiful she was. Like I’ve secretly thought for years but never told her so, only this time I wasn’t lying to myself about it. She looked up at me and smiled, my heart melted. Being foolish I reached out with my spoon and wiped a bit of ice cream on Ginny’s nose. I laughed at her while she just gave me a look of shock.

‘Oh I’m sorry…’ I said. ‘Let me get that for you.’ I leaned forward and pretended to go and lick the ice cream off. She squealed and pushed me back with great force then gave me an over-exaggerated sad face.

‘Ok, sorry. Really, let me help you with that.’ I got a bit of tissue from out of my pocket; I then proceeded to softly wipe off the ice cream from her nose. That moment slowed down, every detail became magnified by triple, frozen for only Ginny and I. I remained close, close enough that any closer would bring us to kiss. Looking in her eyes I could tell she was feeling something too. That’s when I made the best decision, and the worst decision, I could make in my life. I slowly moved forward without truly knowing what I was doing, Ginny too moved closer. Our lips touched in a quick loving kiss, the kiss lasted what felt like forever but in reality much shorter, seconds even. That’s when I first felt it, when I first knew that Ginny, too, had feelings towards me.

We parted. Ginny looked to me and for seconds, only seconds, she looked content, smiling back at me. But then like a nightmare every boy wishes won’t happen, Ginny’s expression turned. She began to be uncomfortable, feeling she did something wrong, she became uneasy. I felt rejected, like I did something wrong but soon realised what had really happened, why she was acting this way. I could see the tears forming in Ginny’s eyes and knew she was upset. My knowledge was confirmed when she stood, and in a hurry ran off from my view. I thought she might be going to another room, time away from me and what had just happened, but I was wrong. Instead I was surprised to hear the door being slammed shut. I quickly investigated and found when opening the door a wondering Ginny. She was speed walking off down the road, not caring that at that precise moment there was heavy rain pouring down from the sky. A blanket of cement rain that no ordinary person would be caught dead in, even with an umbrella.

‘Hey what you doing out here?’ I shouted out to her as I followed her down the road, having to jog some of the time just to keep up with her. ‘You shouldn’t have to be ashamed of what happened.’ I was close enough to be able to have a conversation with her, but I found I had to shout to be heard over the rain. ‘You know you really shouldn’t be out here…you could catch hypothermia.’ Ginny didn’t answer me but continued to power walk in front of me. ‘I’m sorry I kissed you. But if I had a choice, I would do it all over again…call me selfish but, I love you…and I know you love me too…’

‘You don’t get it do you…’ Ginny stopped suddenly and spun around to face me. ‘It is a big deal, I should be ashamed…I have a boyfriend. I’m with your best friend. I can’t be kissing you…it was a mistake…a mistake that won’t happen again.’ She turned to walk off again.

‘Wait! I know that what we did was bad…I know that you’re with my best friend…but the truth is I’ve only ever loved one soul. But two completely different people. Three years ago I feel in love with you, the person you were. And a part of that love has never completely dissolved. And now I’ve fallen in love with you all over again. The person you are now. I’ve tried, really I have…I’ve tried not to love you but, if I haven’t after three years…I don’t think I could ever stop. I am ashamed, kissing my best friends girlfriend behind his back, I feel like s**t…but I’m afraid we don’t choose who we love. And a lot of the time that does cause pain to a lot of people, or unfortunate events. I’m in love with you Ginny, and I’ll do anything for you, to make you happy…even if that means spending another three years hiding how I feel…pretending I don’t love you.’ I couldn’t believe what I was saying, all in once speech I had said everything I’ve been bottling up, everything she never knew. And whilst I spoke I could feel the emotions building in my eyes but never allowed myself to cry. However I couldn’t say the same for Ginny, she cried from the moment I told her I loved her. As soon as I finished talking, the exact moment I spoke the last word Ginny jumped forward and embraced me with a passionate kiss. A longer kiss this time, and one full of all sorts of emotions. In spite of everything she was saying, I knew within that moment she was feeling everything I was feeling. And may have all along.

I would give anything to say that from that moment on everything between Ginny and I was impeccable. But that would be lying. Every moment I spent with her alone was more or less spent expressing our deep ocean of love for one another. Then when around Mickey, or for that matter anyone else, we was completely avoiding being even a foot close to each other. Trying not to arouse any suspicion. All in all it was a difficult situation which needed to be solved. I knew that Ginny loved me; I could see it in her eyes, feel it in her touch and hear it in the beats of her heart. But I also knew she had feelings for Mickey still. She loved him in a different way, he was her first real relationship and you can’t take that time away from them. But she had fallen in love with me first, maybe we weren’t ready for each other then I don’t know, but it was our time now.

The truth of it all was I didn’t really know much of anything at this point; the future was unclear, inconclusive.

Ginny and I continued to have umpteen moments after that which took place in the rain. Mickey unaware of what was happening right under his nose. But we both knew this wouldn’t last long, something had to be done…and soon.

We started getting sloppy. That which we safely contended, giving no indication of our feelings for each other, was now being endangered. Our hearts took over and we found ourselves hugging and kissing, while Mickey only for minutes pardoned himself from the room. The first mistake, I hadn’t noticed the door of the room was ajar. Any bright man would be aware of the happenings around him, I couldn’t say for certain but I was most positive that Mickey must have had some idea of a change in Ginny. Some small inkling that there was something going on.

I prayed that he wouldn’t discover what we were doing. I spent every moment in fear of him finding out, I didn’t want to hurt him or betray him, but I couldn’t help it. I even suggested to Ginny that we stop this and maybe I could go away so we won’t be around each other. But she never wanted to be apart from me anymore than I did from her.

I was meant to meet up with her later today, the first time we have met up alone since that night in the rain. But before I did I wanted to get this suppressed feeling out of my system, I went to see an old friend.

‘Hey.’

‘Hi…so what do I owe the honour?’

‘I’ve done something terrible.’

‘Enlighten me!’

‘There’s this girl…’

‘Isn’t there always.’ The old man chuckles.

‘Well I fell in love with her, but she ended up falling for my best friend. Then three years down the line nothing’s changed…only this time I’ve kissed her. Now we keep having these moments where we touch or kiss, without my friend’s knowledge…and I don’t know what I’m doing.’

‘Sounds to me like being in this situation will ultimately destroy you and all around you. This is when you have to make one of those big decisions that will affect your life forever.’

‘How do I choose?’

‘I think you need to ask yourself what is more important to you.’

‘I keep thinking that I should let her go, I mean I love her don’t mistake that…but I can’t destroy an old friend, even though I may already have. I don’t think I could live with such a bad deed, something like that follows you everywhere…and I’m not that kind of person. It’s time to right my wrong…’

.  .  .

 

‘So what’s going on?’ Mickey shouted out in anger at Ginny, they were in her bedroom in a heated argument.

‘What do you mean?’ Ginny said back, but inside she thought she already knew what his was talking about.

‘Well you don’t answer my calls; you’re distant, avoiding me. And it feels like you don’t want me anymore.’

‘I’ve told you, I’ve been busy.’

‘So what about now. Were you planning on being busy again?’

‘I…’

‘You didn’t show! We were meant to meet earlier. And now I’m here it feels like you want to be somewhere else.’ Mickey continued to argue his case.

‘What are you getting at?’

‘I think you know.’ She did.

‘No I don’t!’

‘Don’t lie to me!’

‘I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about!’ Ginny tried but there wasn’t anything she could say to convince him otherwise.

‘DON’T LIE!’ Mickey was red in the face.

‘I’M NOT.’ Ginny also getting angry now but in truth didn’t have the right to. A silence breaks out, but it doesn’t last much longer.

‘Who is he?’ Mickey had a little croak in his voice as he spoke the words, he was slightly upset and wondered if he really wanted to know the answer. Afraid of what it might be.

‘Who?’ Continuing to play dumb.

‘The guy…THE GUY YOU’RE SEEING!’ Mickey was fed up with the lies now and he became overly emotional.

‘I’m not seeing anyone! How can you think that?’

‘Because it’s true, I know it’s true. Recently you’ve been so distant…’

‘But I love you…’ Ginny started tearing up, she really did love Mickey but she was put in an awkward position, at a crossroads, stuck without the easy answers. And what made things more difficult for the girl was she felt incredibly guilty.

‘No, you don’t love me…’ Mickey shouts out in anger. ‘I can’t take this anymore….’ He turns to leave, knowing his limit and realising his anger at an extreme. But as he does Ginny grabs his arm.

‘Don’t go!’ It all fell into place too fast, in fury Mickey turns around quickly shouting out ‘Don’t touch me!’ And lashes out. Hitting Ginny to the ground, she sobs more.

‘See what you made me do…just leave me alone.’ Mickey feels ashamed and exits before something worse was to happen.

.  .  .

 

I was on my way to see Ginny; I’ve been looking forward to it all morning. As I wondered pass her local park I stopped suddenly noticing a girl sat on a bench close to the park’s entrance. The girl I recognised was none other than the girl I was going to see, Ginny. Just then my mobile phone rings and seeing its Mickey I feel obligated to answer.

‘Hey mate, you ok?’ I say, trying to sound casual.

‘Not really, I need to talk…’

‘What about?’ I was curious to what was wrong, but it then occurs to me that he might know about Ginny and me.

‘I think Ginny’s seeing someone else, either that or she wants someone else.’ Does he know? I start to worry and take a silent gulp.

‘Why would you think that, I’m sure you’re just being paranoid?’

‘Yeah maybe, but if she is…I’ll make sure she’s not for long. Anyway what you up too? Can we meet? As I said I need to talk.’

‘Umm I’m just in town right now. But we’ll talk later?’ I lied. A lame lie at its best, but what else could I say.

‘Yeah ok catch you later.’

‘Ok I‘ll phone you later.’

‘See you.’ Mickey wasted no time in hanging up. I return my phone to my jean pocket and make my way towards Ginny, sitting down at her right Ginny notices me and allows me to take her hand.

‘Hey you.’ I speak. Ginny seemed dearly upset about something, keeping her face turned away from me.

‘Hey.’

‘You look upset.’

‘Huh!’ Ginny says not paying any attention, her mind elsewhere.

‘Ok something’s wrong?’

‘Sorry. Look everything’s fine.’ I could tell she’s lying. I could always tell when she was trying to hide something. It didn’t matter how much she tried, it may fool some people, but she’s never gotten anything passed me.

‘I may not be the smartest kid around but I know when something is bothering you…and I don’t like seeing you like this. You know you can talk to me.’

‘I don’t think I should…’ I started feeling a little worried.

‘Why not? Please tell me.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Why…? Ginny what’s going on…?’ Ginny looks up to me, tears slowly rolling down her angelic but saddened face.

‘He…he hit me.’ It now came clear; a small but visible bruise was pasted on Ginny’s left cheek.

‘What! When?’ Seeing her this way made me feel upset and angry.

‘I don’t think he meant to…he just…’

‘Just hit you! Ginny you can’t make excuses for him; I’ve got to say something.’

‘If you feel anything for me you’ll leave it.’

‘I can’t, maybe it’s time we leave…like we planned.’

‘I wish we could, but we can’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘It wouldn‘t be fair on Mickey, he’s your friend and my boyfriend!’

‘But he doesn’t deserve you.’

‘Please, don’t start that again.’

‘How can I not, when the girl I love is being hit by someone who calls himself her boyfriend. We deserve to be happy…you deserve to be happy.’

‘That’s why I’m leaving.’

‘You’re leaving him?’

‘No…’ She was hiding something else from me.

‘You’re leaving town?’ I prayed she didn’t answer.

‘Yes.’

‘But…’

Ginny interrupted ‘Please don’t…’ I understood that she meant she was leaving town by herself, that she didn’t want me to go. We hug tightly, both emotional.

‘You can’t go, I won’t let you. We’re good together, you know we are. That’s why I think we should tell Mickey about us.’ Seconds later we part slowly but linger lips so close not much space is left between us, looking as if we were about to kiss.

‘I don’t know…’ Ginny softly speaks.

‘Look I’ve never said this before but I…’ Before I could finish I was stopped by the look on Ginny’s face. A shocked expression frozen in stone.

‘Mickey!’ I turn my head to see the speechless boy standing not far from us, we were busted.

‘Nothing going on huh…I’m not seeing anyone you say…’ Mickey speaks, not moving but looking deadly. Enough to frighten a lion.

‘Mickey look…’ I try to say. But I really didn’t know what I could say.

‘NO! You don’t get to talk! So this is what you was busy doing.’

‘It’s not what you think.’ Ginny says.

‘And what do I think?’

‘If I can explain.’ I try again.

‘EXPLAIN WHAT! How my best friend lied to me, how you’ve been seeing my girlfriend behind my back…’

‘Mickey…’ Ginny again. But she, nor I, was able to control him.

‘…How you cheated on me.’

I take a step forwards, the stupidest thing I could have done. ‘If you just calm down…’

‘You’d do well to shout up.’ Mickey also steps forwards.

‘Guys don’t…’ Ginny then tries to get between us worried something might happen. However Mickey quickly forces her aside with his arm and punches me to the ground. He then looks down to his clenched fists and in blood anger rushes from the scene. Bleeding at the nose I return to stand by Ginny once more.

‘Are you alright?’ She looked shook up. Having to watch her like this, I wanted so bad to click my fingers and make everything perfect for her.

‘I’m leaving.’ She expresses to me.

‘You don’t need to.’

‘I do…’

‘Why, because of that jerk, or is it because of me…?’

‘Because of all of it…Tobey…I’m leaving tomorrow morning…if you truly do love me then I won’t see you there. Please let this be our goodbye…don’t try and stop me.’ Ginny goes to walk away from me but I stop her by pulling her back by the hand. We stand, my forehead leaning against hers.

‘…I love you.’ I tell her.

‘I love you to….more then you’ll ever know.’ She leaves me, sad, completely alone. Standing at the entrance of what felt like tortured hell.

 

 

June 26^th 2009, Ginny’s funeral, Gloucester.

Love. It’s a funny thing that. Indescribable down to its core, and yet, it changes everything. Love changes everyone. It effects even the most rational of men, the strong willed. There was a day once where I thought love couldn’t control me. I thought it was something I could choose not to feel, that I could turn on and off. I was wrong.

Love is something that in time, it will find everyone. I pray for you all. I pray that when it finds you, there will only be fortunes…and not the other way around.

Today’s my birthday. I should be spending it with my closes friends and family, full of enjoyment. A day you get to be kid again without any worry in the world. That wasn’t the case for me today. No, instead it is spent in sadness, full of lament. It was the early morning and I attended Ginny’s, god I can’t even bare saying the word, her funeral. I stood further back from the crowed coffin, I was wearing my best suit, and she always deserved the best. The funeral lasted nearly an hour. A heart-rending hour, that was somber, and which left me numb. The funeral dragged on, longer then I had hoped. Once it was over I had no intention of returning home, hence the holdall I carried with me. My intention was purely in finding where Mickey had disappeared to.

Before I did anything I waited until all was clear before getting closer to my loss. Kneeling down next to the coffin I placed a hand on top and whispered ‘Forgive me’. Being here was the hardest thing I have done in my life. It took every strength in my body not to break down and cry right now. I didn’t want her to see me like that. I reached up to my neck, then released my Saint Christopher chain and rested it upon the wooden casket. A faint cry was heard, looking over into the distant I saw a woman crying. At this point, in time, I could hold out no longer. I felt my eyelids act as heavy clouds as they come to a point where they couldn’t hold the rain anymore, and then my eyes began to water. Mickey was the reason why so many felt so much pain on this life changing day. He was going to pay.

When I was done here I soon left town without a moments noticed. It took me an incredibly long time and beyond effort to track down Mickey, every second of every minute of every hour, was spent hunting him. I finally found him hiding in Kent. He was staying at an expensive hotel, it seemed he thought he was alone but here I was, staying at the hotel just down the street. I was a force which no one could stop. On top of it all every step of the way.

From the time I watched Ginny die in my arms I was inconsolable, lost, in pain. I changed into something that was abysmal, abstruse, and pessimistic.

I had vowed vengeance. And that thirst for his blood is what got me here, in the rain about to walk through the red door. I pulled open the door with great force; it was warmer on the inside than it was outside. I made my way down corridors, turning corner after corner, I hadn’t I clue where I might be going but every step took me closer to my goal. Every step I grew more confident and focused. It seemed that my feet, my whole body had a mind of its own. I’m even surprised I can see where I’m going, considering all I saw was Mickey’s face clear in my mind.

Eventually I came to an opening, a room that was full of crowded people from wall to wall. It all looked so peaceful, so beautiful, it made me sick. For only seconds no one had noticed the strange boy standing in the higher class room, soaked to his feet, holding a deadly weapon in his hand. The gun was easily visible to the people around and after the first person noticed me, more followed, and like dominos one by one they began to scream. I didn’t care about them or what they saw; I only cared about the one person I was here for. I scanned around the room, it made it harder to spot him through the scattered bodies and I was afraid that he was already gone. I hope not, I really hope that this crowd hasn’t given him the opportunity to hide from my view. I was close to just giving up when I recognized him trying to escape. I too started to plough my way through the crowd, the spineless worm wasn’t going to get away that easy. To my luck Mickey was knocked into a table, and he ended up flat on his a*s. I reached him before he could rise to his feet. I towered over him and I could see the fear building in his eyes, good, so he should be.

‘Get up.’ I spat the words at him. Was he deaf or just stupid? ‘Get up, now. Come on, move it.’ I pointed the gun as I spoke this time. That sure got his attention, he quickly obeyed my command. ‘Good. So you can hear me.’ I said sarcastically. Mickey looked around the room nervously, seeing what he was seeing I realized that the last few people were leaving. It hadn’t taken long for the room to clear, and now he was all on his own. The room was completely empty now a part from the two of us and some table & chairs. And in this large golden room I could almost hear Mickey’s heart pounding away. The power was overwhelming. I didn’t recognize myself, from now on I was no longer Tobey, but someone with no soul. And the worst of it all…I didn’t care, I liked it.

I smiled. ‘No one’s gunna help you now Mickey.’ No words were needed from him; he knew why we were in this predicament. He knew what he had done, and what was to become of him.

‘Do you recognize this gun…it’s the same gun you used to kill her.’

‘I was meant to kill you.’

‘AND THAT MAKES EVERYTING BETTER! She’s still gone.’

‘You know what; I don’t think you’re man enough to do it.’ He seemed confident about that. I tilted the gun to its side to look at it. Then I repositioned it to point back at Mickey. I have never felt so angry before, so cold hearted, in fact I don’t think I even have a heart anymore. There was no doubt I was going to Hell, and I was taking Mickey with me. I looked straight at Mickey as blank as the emptiness I felt, and replied.

‘You wanna bet.’

BANG.

Back outside, I stumbled through the rain. The sounds of police sirens were heard. It didn’t matter. I had completed what I had set out to do, it was done. And now I could rest.

With the rain coming down on top of me like a waterfall, it made it hard to see. But I could still make out the police cars coming to a halt at the bottom of the alley way. The policemen got out and proceeded to block the only way out of the alley. I could tell one of them was shouting out something at me. It was the one who was furthest in front, leaning on his knee and pointing his gun at me. However I couldn’t hear what he was saying, as well as the rain beating in my ear drums I could still hear ringing from the noise of the gun.

I hadn’t planned on going to prison; in fact I hadn’t planned on going anywhere. I hadn’t thought much passed killing Mickey, nothing else mattered. I could see the policemen edging forwards. It was now clearer at what the one in front was saying. It seemed he was telling me to place my gun on the ground. I didn’t realize I still had it. Looking down I found it was true. Sure enough the gun was still being gripped in my right hand. I held it closer to my face, such a small object, but powerful enough to take a life.

‘Sir, place the gun on the ground and step back. Or we will shoot.’ The policeman kept shouting. I wasn’t about to listen, especially not to them. They will just have to shoot me…or I will.

I placed the gun to my head. The policemen looked nervous; they began to realize that the fret wasn’t on them as they might have thought. It was on me. They edged forwards slightly quicker now.

I began to squeeze the trigger slowly, seeing me doing this the policemen started to run at me ‘No!’ The one in front shouted.

The pain is too much, it hurts me, and I can’t take this feeling inside. I’m ready to rest now…I’m ready to rest.

BANG.

 

‘Love…..is a blessing. Filled with happiness, pleasures, and it will change you and your life for the better.

Love inspires you. It will get your heart racing, feeling things you’ve never felt.

And it will open your eyes to things you never thought possible.

But love is also a burden. Full of jealousy, heartache, confusion and pain.

You can’t run from it. You can’t hide.

And it will hit you when you least expect it.

It is a Gift… and a Curse’.

- Tony DM Hayward