I met a lady in the allotment..

Just a bit a craic, you all know me by now 😂

I met a lady at the allotment!

                                         I met a lady at the allotment

where local folk plant seeds,
chat about inclement weather
and how to control the weeds

it was at the bring and buy stall
there displaying finest produce,
I noted the fruits of hard labour
her melons ripe and full of juice

I ogled at her tender tomatoes
envied her plums and almonds,
drooled over her terrific spread
of apples, oranges and lemons

so I made her a proposition
thinking it clever and astute,
I said, 'we must form a union
and together, grow veg and fruit'

'but firstly Sir, I must consider
before I accept your pledge,
show me what you have to offer
let me see your homegrown veg'

I quickly led her to the veg stall
to proudly show off my display
but such scything criticism
I'll not forget, till my dying day

"Your cabbages have no heart
nor are they leafy green,
your cauliflowers are crawling
with caterpillars most obscene

your potatoes are too flowery
and quite simply fall apart
your onions small and mushy
no good for restaurant a la carte

inside your lettuce, slimy slugs
unpalatable for humans to eat
and now your prize cucumber,
has shrivelled up and fallen at my feet" 

 

Likes: That Happy Chica, buddho, Hojadaro, PoetessQueen, Chinaski, M. K. Rock, Maureen

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Author's Note

Hit me with your best shot..

Reviews

[emmajoygreen]

Laughed and smiled throughout and then read again and nodded at the witty whiles in the poem start to finish. No matter the double entendres (sp) or man talk, any adult who reads poetry could find worse and more on a public loo's wall and that will never sing with meter as your poem does! There's a lot to learn at the allotment!

[Tom]

Indeed EmmaJoy, contentment is an allotment, though not all flowers/vegatables perfect into maturity as planned... Thanks for stopping by my garden way!

[Marie]

What a wonderful witty write, Tom! Your sense of fun is delightful to encounter. I love how the lady you asked to join you as a partner in growing fruit and veg was so wise as to ask to see your produce before making a commitment, lol... The story is finely penned and narrated and packed to overflowing with excellent imagery of the encounter, the allotment and the produce. Lovely work, Tom and thank you so very much for sharing...

[Tom]

Many thanks Marie, like I often say, if any of my little ditty poems cause a reader to chuckle even smile, then job done, I'm a happy man, my day made!! 😂

[Marie]

Thank you for making my day too, Tom. Ever a joy to read your wonderful poetry!

[Relic]

haha I like the scattered inferences. The rhymes are well done to. I guess after this I'll never be able to look at produce again without thinking of your poem. :)

[Tom]

lol, then it certainly got you thinking with a comical muse, job done and thanks again for stopping by!!

[Chrissie Muldoon]

THIS IS BRILLIANT! It's like a bawdy exchange in a Shakespeare comedy! Oh my gosh, I LOVE THIS! :D

(I also had an idea that perhaps the narrator is a bit like a Tobias Funke, in that he keeps saying super inappropriate things, but is genuinely talking about being interested about this woman's produce, lol!)

[Tom]

Ha, yes a Tobias Funke, luv it as I do your encouraging review... Thank you Chrissie!!

[Neville]

when they said size don't matter .. they lied, didn't they .. lettuce grieve for days of your but beetroot to poetry .. nuff said but full marks awarded .. Neville

[Tom]

Good fella Neville, it's not about quantity but rather quality that counts, may your staying prowess be always present!

[Neville]

now wouldn't that be something .. frightening :)

[Sheila Kline]

My Clever Friend,

As you are aware, I am one who often surmises a different interpretation of certain pieces of poetry, especially those with that which appears to contain metaphors, etc. written to make one laugh, and your clever use of such caught me off guard at first.

However, after much thought I have an entirely different take on your words, one which shall possibly bring criticism from others who read it, and enjoy the humor, as you once again wield your ability to make the reader laugh.

..........And so going out on a limb, possibly even an entire tree, this is my take:

There was once a time when it was acceptable for a man to admire, say a women's melons, enjoy the born attributes of womanhood, whistle at a pretty gal as she walked by. I believe that there was a time when it was entirely acceptable for a woman to dress to attract exactly that - say, pretty hairdo, make-up, clothing which caused a man to want to look again, want to admire the effort she'd taken to look pretty.

Well, I see that day far behind us for many societies will punish a man who looks, whistles, etc. at an attractive, and I'll say, even a seductive, sexy looking female.

I hope you understand where I'm going with this.......

Woman was created from a man's rib, a woman was chosen to bear his children, to be his helper, but with the onset of "feminism" that concept seems to be found in the ashes of what it means to some to be a woman. I hear, "It's my body, don't be a sexist, I can do anything I want, and you'd better not approach me". Is it a cat and mouse game? Has the woman become so in need of power and control that she finds it pleasurable to put down a man? This grower of fruit certainly put a damper on the grower of vegetables.

So, I applaud you for being humorous with your metaphors, but I think the man should come back to this woman who so quickly destroyed his efforts to perhaps just get to know her. They might have grown a wonderful fruit and vegetable garden together, but with her response, the outcome is certainly predictable! He was shamed! And she just continues to show her "fruit" but beware to one who attempts to sample "the forbidden fruit"!

Ah, that first bite of the apple...

OK, I'm stepping down from my soapbox!

[Tom]

Indeed a most cerebral, philosopical review here Sheila, I'd say many would agree just as many may not? Thanks my friend!

[Sheila Kline]

Yes, that's me - I'm cerebral, philosophical, perhaps too much so at times, and I do enjoy a good debate. I'm also very "wordy" at times.
However, my thoughts in no way reduce the humor you conveyed in your clever poem!

[Betty Hermelee]

A very humorous poem, but sorry you didn't get what you wanted.. your words are clever and comical and her fruits and veggies sound very eatable, whereas yours...well... you can't win them all!!!!
Well done Tom!!!
Warmly, B

[Tom]

Thank you Betty and nope, you can't win 'em all

[Betty Hermelee]

You're very welcome Tom!
Warmly, B

[Sami Khalil]

Hehehe! What a wonderfully written poem filled with humor and green exchange. I had to laugh and hope not to make a proposal to an expert lady.
You are talented Tom.

[Tom]

Many thanks Sami, high praise indeed from one as esteemed with pen as You!

[Sami Khalil]

You too! You are welcome sir Tom.

[IC]

Gulp! That is worse than any critique one can receive on this website! A very, very mean kick in the cherries if I have ever seen one. Perhaps your future lies outside the garden and in a cafe of poets for your words are certainly hanging better than your fruit and vegetables. This was an enjoyable poem of wit and whimsy and sly innuendo. I’ll pray for a worm invasion of her garden allotment just for you. Creatively conceived poem, Tom. 🙏🏻

[Tom]

Thank you Izabella and yep, worms sure are the gardener's friend!

[Lydia Shutter]

Oh, you naughty boy! What a delightfully ambiguous metaphor! Home grown veg indeed! LOL I truly enjoyed this one. The rhyming is super! The lady sure did put him down! Lydi**

[Tom]

Yes didn't she just so? Thanks my friend!