Real Heros Never Boast, Being Dead

Silent they lie, neath clay, the slain…
Speak not of deeds done, but remain
In history, names unknown,
Of battles fought, for land, king, throne,
But great are they the stories talked
By those folk who from the field walked
Do they immortality seek?
Heros, dead, of their deeds don’t speak.


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Reviews

[Trigorin]

You have a good concept but your word choice is a little overwrought and the overall tone and flow is a little too mechanical to be appealing. I think the problem is that you're trying a little too hard to go for the old-fashioned vibe instead of just letting it flow more naturally.

[Tomás Ó Cárthaigh]

Its the style I like to write in, not to everyones taste, but my signature style nonetheless. It may come into fashion sometime again - probably long after Im dead!!! lol :-D

Lots more at www.writingsinrhyme.com if youd like a look!!!

[Lucy Allison]

Personally I like this writing style, though it know it's not to everyone's taste, I've always envied those who can write in this way. Good message and to be honest, the title is one of the best parts!

[zainul]

Splendid write.
Love the tribute to the heroes.

[James E. Peterson]

short to the point and gives the idea that being a hero's overrated. Excellent.

[Augustus]

Very noble sentiments expressed. Indeed, the martyrs never speak of their deeds. And in many cases, the living who walk away don't tell tales of those who died either. And so they remain unknown. It is indeed a good idea to write a tribute to these forgotten heroes, so kudos to you for that.

As far as the form is concerned, the rhymes are fine but the meter needs improvement. It stumbles far too often for such a short poem. I think the poem will flow much better with minor modifications in some of the lines.

For instance,
"Of battles fought, for land, king, throne"
can be replaced by
"Of battles fought for land and throne"
In this case, "throne" would stand for "king" (metonymy) as well as the object itself. In that way, it would also be a pun indicating a battle for some king as well as a battle to become one.

Also, I think
"Heroes, dead, of their deeds don't speak"
can be changed to
"Dead heroes of their deeds don't speak"
This simple change makes the meter perfectly iambic. Your original line has the wrong stress on certain syllables.

Thank you!

[Tomás Ó Cárthaigh]

Thanks for the suggestions... with an Irish accent both work equally well, but the edit is excellent!