The Author

My wife becomes an author.

The Author

Tom Bowling was a struggling author. Over a dozen books submitted, but lightning hasn't struck yet. He blamed his wife Carol. She had to be the worst proofreader in history. How could she let so many mistakes get through?

Once she handed him back a manuscript that had so many markups on it, you couldn't read the text anymore. "What's this?" Tom said. "There's no markup wtf. It doesn't make sense."

"Neither does that paragraph I highlighted."

Tom looked at it. It didn't seem to fit. It must be something from one of his old manuscripts had made into the middle of his story. He would have to be more careful in the future about using cut and paste to write his stories.

Tom decided to try his hand at short stories. Maybe an entire novel was too much for her. He worked for three months on short stories. Some of his best work to date. He fired them off to every publisher he could find on the internet. The rejections started coming back. The first one in three days. Hey, at least this had to be some kind of record. Some came back in two months, some took longer. Seven of them came back on the same day, another record. Most of the reject letters stated something to the effect that a reject didn't mean his stuff wasn't good, just that in today's market they didn't think they could find a buyer for it. For publishers who are supposed to be experts in writing, these people sure didn't show any imagination in rejection letters. They all sounded exactly the same. How come you never heard of anyone screaming "Plagiarism" when they read those letters. They found buyers for other stories; why not his?

He knew his stuff was good. Everyone who reads them told him they were good. Maybe not Hemingway, but good. His brother and wife wouldn't lie to him. His sister in law said they seemed to be written from the perspective of a twelve-year-old, but she was a b***h.

Eventually, rejection letters came back for all of his short stories.

Oh well, back to novels, this was where his real talent lay.

He finished another book Paradise Lost. A romantic comedy with a Steven King twist about two people shipwrecked on a deserted island. Tom thought it was his best work yet. He could see the movie offers pouring in. The leading actors lining up for parts. Matt Damon, Merrill Streep, Robert Deniro. He hadn't quite figured out Deniro's role yet since there were only two characters in the book. Maybe he would fit in a flashback. Twenty thousand words. All of them in the right place. He even made up some words, toebular, A strange growth on your elbow.

He must have been f*****g out of his mind when he asked Carol to proofread his stuff. She had suddenly become the world's leading literary critic.

"Don't you have a spell checker? Did you take English in high school? That's right, you went to Perry."

"Ha ha, very funny. Where did you go to college smarty pants?"

"Wellesley College."

"Never heard of it. Sounds like a girl's school."

"Why do you put your friends in your books? You're going to get sued," Carol said.

"It helps me write. I can visualize their quirks and attitudes. Besides, you have to be published before you can be sued."

"Well, I guess our fortune is safe."

"I'm going to write a book about you. Tell the world what a b***h you are. I'll make you a hooker. By the time I'm done with you Taylor Swift will look like a piker."

"Make me nice or I'll sue you myself," Carol said.

"Oh, now you want me to write fiction."

Carol thought of a clever comeback, "F**k you."

"Okay, back to documentary. If you think it's easy why don't you write a book?" Tom was on a roll. He always thought he was so funny when he was being sarcastic. His first wife had said when they first met, "You're so funny. You make me laugh all the time." Seven years later only one word changed in their relationship. One day she said, "You think you're so funny."

Tom knew it was over. The next day they went to see a divorce attorney.

"Maybe I will write a book." said Carol.

Fat chance that was going to happen. Hell, she can't even proofread my stuff. What's she going to write? A child's book on improper grammar? If the writing had taught him anything, it was how to handle rejection. Carol had not experienced this yet. He sat her down and explained the process to her. He had to get her ready for the coming disappointment.

She finished her manuscript. "Hey, this is good," Tom said.

"You're just humoring me."

"No, I mean it. This is really good."

"Do you think I should submit it?"

"Why not, all they can do is say no. God knows I know that."

Her book went to the top of the New York Times best seller list. It stayed there for eighteen weeks. Tom was so proud. He wanted to strangle her. Beginner's luck. First time out and she writes a best seller. Why couldn't she just keep compounding the errors in his books?

Damn the luck, Oprah Winfrey's Book of the Month Club. Reader's Digest condensed version. Talk show circuit and late night appearances. Tom was starting to think she and Jimmy Kimmel were having an affair. For Christ's sake, three appearances in two months. Even Obama couldn't pull that off. He was sure she was doing him.

The title of the book was "Seeing it Through". It was the story of a faithful wife, who had stuck it out under difficult circumstances. It hit a little too close to home for Tom, but hey, it was selling like crazy. That women ate this stuff up was Tom's condolence. The money was rolling in. That part was nice, but Tom was beginning to feel left behind. He fell into deep doldrums.

Carol began work on a new book. What was this one going to be about, Tom wondered. A lonely housewife who left her husband and ran off with the migrant gardener or late night talk show host? He had watched enough Lifetime channel to know that would sell too.

Carol finished her second book. Two books, two best sellers; meanwhile Tom kept working on his tourist attraction. The world's largest rejection pile.

Carol kept telling him to write about what you know. How about rejection? He could write about the employment office. He knew that place like the back of his hand. Hell, he had been fired from every job in Sarasota.

Tom was sinking deeper and deeper into the doldrums. Carol realized something had to be done. "Hey, how about helping me out?"

"Sure, what cha got?"

"I'm up against a deadline and I've got a lot of typos in this manuscript.

"Sure I'll look at it."

Tom had something to do. The tension in the house eased up. The book went off to the publisher. Another best seller. What else was new? This time, the cover said A Novel by Tom and Carol Bowling. Who cares if he was just a proofreader. He was a published author with a New York Times bestseller under his belt.

Reviews

[Valentine]

Thank you for the laugh of the day. My husband wouldn't have helped me it might have interfered with his fishing. Neat ending Tom. Valentine

[Tom Wade]

Thanks for the kind review. i can always count on you.

[Lorry]

Nice touch that it turned out to be a happy(ish) ever after when I expected grenades being thrown at each other. Great light hearted and humorous style that most, of not all writers can relate to, as well as married couples. :)

[Tom Wade]

Thanks for reviewing and writing a nice comment.

[Lorry]

You're very welcome :)

[ReedWrite]

Loved it.
So witty and funny.
So know what the rejection letters feel like.
Nicely done.