Hell Found Me

A bad day.

Hell Found Me

Hell found me. Or I might say I found hell. Either way, the result was the same. An eternity spent wondering where it all went wrong. 

Today started out just like any other day. I spent most of the morning working on my latest novel and wondering what I was going to have for lunch.

I looked in the pantry. My choices were limited to a can of tuna fish or a can of cat food. I should have chosen either one. 

When I left the house is when my troubles began. On the way home I heard the sirens a mile before I turned down my street. 

When I turned down Palm Avenue I could see fire trucks, police cars and half my belongings scattered across the front yard. The cat had survived in case you were wondering.

Dogs were invented by God. Big dumb friendly animals. A dog would have probably died searching to see if I were still in the house. 

Cats were invented by Satan. A cat didn't care if you lived or died as long as the cat bowl was full of crunches. Cats are devious. I couldn't prove it, but in my mind, I knew that somehow the cat had started the fire. 

The fireman told me it was probably faulty wiring, but I knew better.

My neighbor was standing in her yard.

“Hello, Mr.Burton.”

“Hello, Mrs. McCurdy.”

“What's going on over there?”

“I don't know. I found it like this when I got home.”

“Oh.... well, you have a nice day.”

“I've already made other plans, Have you seen my cat?”

“No, is he missing?”

“No, he's missing.”

Mrs. McCurdy was a nosey neighbor. I liked to keep her confused.

“You're a strange man Mr. Burton.”

“I know.”

The fireman said I seemed to be taking this pretty calmly. I said I was full of Xanax. As the firemen were packing up to go the mail truck pulled up. “Looks like you had a fire.”

“Yeah, looks that way.”

“Pretty day, though. At least it's not raining. Here's your mail.” It was another rejection notice. “Dear sir: We regret to inform you that we do not feel we could place your book at this time.”

I didn't know what the mail man's comment meant so I just agreed with him. It was beginning to look like a s****y day to me. 

I wondered if I could find my insurance papers in the ashes. I called my agent. “Dan I need a copy of my homeowners. I had a fire this morning.”

“Didn't you get the cancellation notice? We dropped you last month for non-payment.”

“Damn.” Where'd that cat go? I needed to kick something. I was still looking for the cat when the guy in the green sedan pulled up. A Yaris or some other equally ugly car. I can't believe people walk onto a car lot and buy those things. 

The guy got out and walked up to me. He pushed an envelope in my chest and said. “You've been served. What happened? You have a fire here?”

“Yeah, everything's going to hell today.”

I already knew what was in the summons or at least thought I did. My ex-wife had told me she needed more child support. School was starting and the kids had to wear uniforms this year. Another step at making sure that no child felt special. 

The kids hated the uniforms and couldn't wait to get home and trade them for their normal clothes, but for eight hours every day every kid in America had to be reminded that they were not special.

I was surprised when I opened the envelope and discovered that it was an old business partner suing me for half the worth of our old business. I guess he forgot that he bought me out. On second thought he didn't forget. His lawyer was claiming that I had overvalued the business when I sold my shares to him. Funny, the way I determined the price was I asked him what he would want for his shares if I bought him out.

Just then it started to rain. I couldn't go inside. I didn't have an inside anymore. That's the way I felt too. 

Why couldn't I just fire up the iMac and this be one of those stupid writing contests they send you in emails? They give you the first sentence and you write a story about it. I wonder if anybody ever wins those things. 

If I did, it wouldn't be today. This was a day in hell.

Reviews

[ROBIN-RAMBLES-ON]

I love it so funny yes those cars are ugly Yaris your a riot you are so funny this is really entertaining good funny punch-lines Get rid of the cat. Lol 9 lives of bad luck Lol my eyes are beginning to hurt me from my small print.I got to fix this.Your formatting and punctuating looks perfect by the way.

[Tom Wade]

Thanks for the kind words.

[Valentine]

Had to smile as these things happened one after the other. Some days it just doesn't pay to get up, does it? Neat tale. Valentine