Ramblings on life

Recounts of my life and the introspection that comes with time and journaling.

I was around 12 when I first questioned god. I had grown up in a largely catholic household, so it was really the only religion I was exposed to up to that point. Now, that didn't mean I was overly religious, or that I didn’t respect other’s religions, it was all just in the background to me. Religion never really reared it's head unless we were praying before we ate, or when we went to church. But it was still a constant in my life that I took for granted, like I had a little guardian angel sitting on my shoulder. But when I was 12, that outlook, or inlook, changed. It wasn’t some dramatic event that sparked the change, just a conversation with one of my friends. “I don’t really believe in anything.” One phrase, uttered with such nonchalance on the playground in fourth grade, that it almost didn’t register in my adolescent mind. Nothing? Is that possible? Was my first thought, because I hadn’t ever considered the possibility or the idea of atheism. It was alien to me, an idea that no one was looking out for you, nothing came after death, that everything was just random reactions reacting to other reactions an infinite number of times into forever. It terrified my young mind badly, and I think that this is one of the reasons I started to have a problem with being alone.
Alone can mean many things to different people, things like the absence of others, feelings of isolation and or ostracisation, all are good examples of the word alone. It differs from person to person and could undoubtedly spark a lively debate as to what definition of the word is correct, and then to compare that to the one in an oxford dictionary. But to me the word alone isn’t just a word, it’s a sense of dread and fear that shoots down from my spine to the center of my stomach. To me, it’s when you get that pressure between your shoulder blades, the mounting tension behind your eyes and down in your gut when you feel the world get bigger around you. When no one is there to say it’ll all be ok, when no one is there to watch your back, when you feel like you’re the last person on earth in a crowded room.

Reviews

[SamSim27]

I really like this piece.
I like that it doesn't have a destination, there is no clear journey in the writing. It leaves unanswered questions and sometimes that's what makes a good piece of writing, when the reader has the opportunity to dissect and ask questions and explore the idea.

Thank you for the read, i enjoyed it.