On Being An Atheist

An explanation of the process by which a person becomes an atheist, and how it is not so much a matter of choice as it is a natural evolution of thought.

Being an atheist is not difficult, but it is not easy either. It is as simple as holding any other belief about death and life, and any combination of the two. Some atheist will have the general public believe that it is far more difficult to accept what they call “radical” and “anti-intellectual” beliefs about the world. This is not to say that I endorse or accept unrealistic beliefs about the world and how it works, but just that I realize those who accept the doctrines and dogmas of today’s faiths do not experience difficulty in holding their beliefs. Socialization and perhaps pressure from family, friends, community and society lead to acceptance of what atheists and myself consider unrealistic beliefs.

Though it is easy to fall into religion, it is just as easy to fall out. To explain I can only use my own experience. There was a time in my life when I held the desire to become a person of devout faith. Honestly I do not understand why; it is possible and likely that it was due to any one of the pressures listed above. Yet in spite of this desire I maintained only a tentative belief of God. It was tentative because of the fugitive thoughts in my mind that I could not suppress. I knew that everything that began had to end, and that everything had a beginning. I thought, why should God be any different. Some say he is the ultimate exception, that the creator of the universe gets a free pass in this regard. This argument only makes me cringe now and it did not convince me when I was younger. Becoming an atheist was a slow and uncontrollable effort that was facilitated in my mind by no conscious effort on my part. The ultimate surrender to my understanding that there was no God was like some grand and immense machine, slow to begin, only crawling at first, but then unstoppable when it reached me fully. Yet, becoming an atheist is not as simple as that. For me it was not surrender to a thought that I could fully embrace. It required an abandonment of fear. I had to lose my fear of death before I could accept that I was an atheist.

I remember it quite vividly now. Sitting thinking on the propositions of life and death, my fear of dying and a desperate wish to live forever. I realized that belief in God was something I could no longer entertain nor indulge in, but there was that horrible barrier to overcome. As I sat there the fear sort of melted and a weight was lifted from my lungs and I felt more free, felt more alive, realizing my own mortality and accepting it not as a terrible and destructive thing but as a natural part of life. It is quite incredible the tremendous fear we hold for death. Nothing else in human life that is as common creates so much anxiety. Death is a universal event in life. Just as everyone is born, everyone will die. But perhaps the fear is not of death, but for life. Perhaps we are so afraid that we will waste living and that death, in its unknown beauty, will take away the opportunity to make of ourselves what we once wished we could.

There was one more thought in my mind when the thoughts of atheism became manifest. Just as the knowledge that I knew there is no God crept in my mind, more haunting and terrifying desires circulated. My orientation and my knowledge of widely held religious opinions created something of an anger in me. I was told that God hates “f**s”, but I also knew that I was made in the image of God. But then does that make God a f*g? Of course not, it is my fault, I am the deviant spitting in the face of my creator, denying him the love that he gave me to give back to him. I didn't feel that way. I didn't choose to love people of my own gender. I never wanted to be gay. Fury is the only word I have to describe how this made me feel. This is no longer an emotion that I hold. It is my realization now that if there is a sole creator of the universe, that person would be so full of love and compassion that hate could never be a thought that they would accept or promote. It is simply unimaginable for me. God could never hate, but people can certainly do enough for the creator of the universe and the father of all things.

When I “became” an atheist, I accepted that title wholly and endorsed it fully. I no longer like the title atheist, or any other title that separates me from the rest of humanity. It is a word that can only create conflict in the hearts and minds of most of humanity, just as the word Christian or Muslim creates conflict in the hearts and minds of atheists. But more, it breeds contempt, and contempt is an impossible emotion to recover from. I hold certain ideas and beliefs about how the universe began and how it will end, about what will happen to me when I die, and about how I should live until then, but they don’t make me much different from anyone else. I will not claim a title that can only separate me from my brothers and sisters in this world. I can claim only a few titles that I believe in, and I think many if not all of humanity will agree they are anything but abrasive or unacceptable. I am a son. I am a brother. I am a friend. Most of all, I am a person.