Untitled (for now)

I wrote this all in about 30 seconds, but ran out of steam toward the end. This one is a work-in-progress.

Nightmares drip with anesthetized chatter

Big hands bury the bones with a clatter

In hallowed out recesses of my mind’s grey matter

Smeared with mutilated guts and blood splatter

 

These are the voices in my head not just clever banter, or the pitter-patter

Of demon children with big knives and sharp daggers

Cut me with words and I begin to stagger

Down broken boulevards where eyes pierce me like daggers

 

Oh s**t I used that one I meant their hatred was palpable

I’m starting to think maybe these people are cannibals

Shrunken heads line the roads and gun toting nationals

One guy looked like Jesus, but sleeveless wearing an old-timey maniple

Reviews

[.n.]

Do you feel like a slave to the rhyme scheme choosing words only because they rhyme? I think at times too much rhyming can seem contrived and maybe with a piece of this nature you might do better to vary it a little. I don't know, I'm no expert myself, but when I read it the first time I wasn't overwhelmed by the rhyming, but by the imagery instead. I mean you could certainly (seeing as how it was such a quick write) go back and touch up and redo-add on and take away . I think the last stanza is less connected to the first two. The first two are really intense with kind of a sustained rushing feeling with the blood, gore, and insanity and the last seems a little more jumbled. Hope this helps.

[Taylor Williams]

god i agree with the guy directly below me, theres just something about how the words flow off eachother, the natural pace thats established and the consistent rhyming that would make this a good rap song. But regardless its a fine piece of poetry. Keep it up!

[poetry-kiddo alienbaba]

Thats a good Rap.....
set to a hip-hop rhythm and a groovy bass line...would take you where the shining lights are...

[Tkess]

@ Emma, Thanks for the input. Like I said this is just an experiment to try to broaden my poetic bounds. The rhyming scheme did not feel contrived or forced, personally, it’s just what came out. Like I said I appreciate the input and I will work with the poem to see if I can come up with a more polished effort, but like I said this was just a 30 second brain fart. Maybe it will work maybe not, but it was fun trying. And, like you were saying I feel it did kinda run out of steam toward the end, but I do like the image of Jesus, but sleeveless. I can't type it without laughing a little. We will see where this one goes, but thanks again. It was certainly insanity, although I always thought I had more that 30 seconds worth.

[Tkess]

@Emma, Luke, and R.G. Thanks for the review. This was just an impulse poem. I'm trying to diverge into uncharted waters for myself. I think over the last 8 months or so I have developed a style that is my own, but I hope that I am ever changing and trying to reach out to different styles to challenge myself, and this is one of them. This was all done in one sitting and just whatever popped into my head. I hope to do more of this kind of stuff, but my only question is how does it sound? Does the ever present rhyming scheme take away from the over all piece? Thanks in advance my friends.

[.n.]

Your mind works quick! The nightmare shines through. I am often inspired by songs as well and adapting the rhythm of the verse to my own work. Nicely done.

[L]

pretty good for 30 second, mate!

[Tkess]

One of my favorite songs by Bob Dylan is It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding). I've always liked the rhythmic pattern of each verse. It was one of my inspirations for writing this one. But it is certainly a work-in-progress and just something different than my usual works.

[Nobody.]

I like it. I would rework or unwork the rhymes because they're a bit ga-ga, but the meat of the poem is soundly mad and quite effective.

The last line is my favorite. I am picturing a cross between Jesus and Larry the Cable guy......... LOL!