American DreamsA Story by Tiny GlitchIn the midst of the Great Depression, one family among thousands travel West in search of workThe sky is the colour of steel. Any clouds left long ago. An
oppressive heat has fallen, pressing down so that the air is dense and
compacted. The earth stretches out in every direction, with no end, scarred
only by the parallel rails, an unsightly gash through the barren earth. Red
dust, scudded by angry footsteps, lifts and eddies in the air then floats back
down like rain. The train waits behind me.
Its metal sides radiate heat and a plume of ash and smoke spirals high
above the blackened chimney. I let my gaze drift, not focusing on any one spot. A little lizard scurries across the earth. I twist my hands in front of me. They are browned, and engraved with scratches and scars. The veins are thick ropes under my skin, and dirt is engrained in my bitten nails. I used to look after my nails. On a Saturday night Lotte and I would meet. We would dress up as if we were famous, and then get to work, filing and buffing and painting our nails. Mine blood red, hers deep black. We would blow frantically on them and waggle our hands around in the air, laughing at how ridiculous we looked. She would make me up, widening my eyes, reddening my lips and cheeks. Her tongue stuck out a little as she worked, always making me laugh. I made her up too, and we did our hair together. Lotte spent hours each week perming and pulling and curling. She looked like a film star "unfailingly glamorous. We sparkled in fake gold jewellery and glimmering jewels, parading ourselves in front of the mirror like peacocks. We’d go dancing, or to the pictures. Lotte always ended up with someone new, but I was a romantic, told her that love would find me. And it did, in a way, at the newsagents, 21st February. Jack told me I was beautiful. He loved to run his hands through my hair, said it felt like silk. I allow myself a half-smile at the memory. Lotte moved west
two years ago with her family. Two years ago. Haven’t seen her since. I push my
hand through my hair and it is as though I am running my hand through a
scouring brush. My hand drops to my side. No point thinking of how it used to
be, how it could have been. I turn and step into the carriage, the sudden gloom
forcing me to stop as my eyes adjust. The only light comes from the open carriage door. Bent over silhouettes huddle into the shadows, marking out their territory with bundles and bags and the paraphernalia of human life. The heat intensifies tenfold, and the smell of unwashed bodies, sweat, and dirt lingers in every corner. One of the men told me we’re riding in an old cattle train. I would have been offended once, but now, we all seem to have accepted that this is our fate; we will never get anything better, never truly live again. My tears were used up long ago. I used to cry after putting the children to bed, I used to pray that it would get better. Our situation is so surreal, yet somehow, it’s real, and as I look through the shimmering curtain of heat, it is as if I am in a different reality entirely. Some part of me still thinks that I’m at home, with Jack, and the kids, and Lotte, and nothing ever went wrong. I make my way to the corner of the carriage that has become my home, and perch myself on a tin, filled with old drawings, mementos, souvenirs of the life I used to lead. It’s strange to think that my entire life can fit inside a box. I grab hold of a faded rug, and play it between my fingers, the threads fraying as I run them through my hands. Lucie sits beside me, dirty blonde hair bundled into two little pigtails. Her doll leans against a battered briefcase. She chatters away to it as if the rest of the world did not exist. The doll has wide black button eyes, painted rosy cheeks, thick brown hair. A mocking reminder of what my daughter could have been. “What you doin’ Luce?” My voice is barely a whisper, and each word rasps against my throat. Lucie glances at me with dull blue eyes, pointed pink tongue running hungrily over parched lips. “Marnie’s having tea.” Lucie mimes spooning something into the doll’s mouth. “Do you want some apple juice?” she asks, pretending to lift
a glass to Marnie’s face. My hands tremble slightly in my lap, and my mouth suddenly feels as though it is full of sand. “See, you can have it all to yourself. Is it nice?” Lucie leans forward and nods the doll’s head, making its curls bounce up and down. “How about some cake?” Lucie feeds the doll Victoria sponge, strawberry tart,
chocolate tiffin, cherries, jam roly-poly, meringue, lemon pie, vanilla ice
with whipped cream and sprinkles. I can
only sit and watch. The taste of each food dances on my tongue, mocking me. My
stomach writhes, and I close my eyes for a second against the light-headedness
which clouds my vision. The wistful, famished look on Lucie’s face burns a hole
in me. I need her to stop, but it’s a form of torture which I somehow want to
endure. Finally, I wrest myself away and kneel beside her. I grip her hands and tilt her head to mine, and in her eyes is my face reflected over and over. My hair is turning prematurely grey, and lines crease my forehead. A small smear of dirt freckles my nose. Lucie tries to tug her hands away but I’m holding her fast. “Don’t do that, Luce.
What’s the point to it?” I’m begging her to stop, as much as for my sake as for
hers. It’s possible to bear it if you don’t remember how things used to be, but
each of Lucie’s words sends me spiralling back into the past. She gazes up at me with big innocent eyes, gnawing at her lip with chipped teeth. I hold her tight and turn my head away. She looks so young. The muscles in my throat clench suddenly so it is a struggle to draw in the stale air. She is so young. What did she do to deserve this? I want to leap up and kill whoever took away Lucie’s childhood, but of course, there is no one to kill. Like Jack says, it’s the banks; the banks are the ones who wrecked everything. Lucie is still looking up at me, and her pale face is so full of trust. I squeeze my eyes tight closed. You can’t kill a bank. I am jolted from my thoughts as someone thumps down beside me. “Hey, Danny.” He glances at me briefly, an empty smile flickering on his
lips, but doesn’t answer. His bottom lip has an ugly gash carved through it and
a fresh bruise blooms around his left eye. “What happened?” My words are sharp, breathless. All of a
sudden there’s a knot in my stomach, tying, undoing itself, tying, and being
undone again. He’s too young to be fighting. Danny shrugs and reaches into his pocket, and when he pulls
his hand out his fist is clenched around something. He uncurls his fingers
slowly and a stream of silver coins cascade into my lap, clinking against each
other as they fall. I stare at them, my mouth hanging slightly agape. “Where did you get them?” Danny shrugs again, his shoulders bunched up tightly around
his neck. His face is set in a sullen, defensive mask. The muscles in his back
tense under his shirt as he turns to face the wall. In my lap, the coins glint
treacherously, and I have the sudden urge to take them and hurl them as far as
I can. I want to scream. Where did he get those bruises? Where did the money
come from? Even if Danny was prepared to tell me, I’m not sure I want to know.
It occurs to me I don’t know much about my son at all. I rub the coins between thumb and forefinger, treasuring the way the rusty edge grazes my skin. Before I can change my mind, I slip the coins into a bag. I know I shouldn’t, but money’s money. There’s enough there to buy a little food for Lucie. I have to take it. Lucie wriggles away from me. I loosen my grip, feeling her
slip away. “Danny…” He doesn’t move. My mouth opens involuntarily, but I have
nothing to say, so I close it again. I watch him as he broods, and I realize
that I missed him growing up from a child with a thatch of sandy hair and that
gap-toothed smile of his. He was always running around, scratches on his knees,
covered in mud. He’s not my little boy any more. We sit there in silence for
God knows how long. Danny doesn’t turn round again. His shoulders heave up and
down as he takes long, drawn out breaths.
He can feel me looking at him and it’s the closest we have been in a
long time. Lucie seems to feel the tension and huddles against the wall with
Marnie, enfolding the doll in her arms. Through the open carriage door the sky gradually darkens,
blood red streaks cutting through the horizon. I pluck at the rug with nervous
fingers. A chill runs through my body. Someone is watching me. I raise my head to see Jack leant against the
door, regarding the three of us without any trace of emotion in his face. Dark
half-moons encircle glassy eyes, and his cracked lips are pressed together in
an angry line. I catch his eye. His gaze flicks away for a moment before settling
on mine again. He gives his head a terse shake, and turns away, staring out at
the world beyond the train. Black dots circle my vision, and I smooth at my
forehead to ease the pain. Surely, he will find work soon. We can’t do this
forever. Some part of me always believes
Jack will get a job, and that we will get off this train, maybe live in some
little village. I could work, and we’d have enough money to get by. The kids
would go to school, and it would be like it was before. Each night, that future seems further and further away. Danny heaves himself to his feet and goes to join his father. Jack doesn’t turn as Danny approaches. I watch the two of them nervously. They wait, neither of them making the first move. Danny lays his hand on Jack’s arm and Jack whirls around instantly, throwing Danny off. He stumbles, but manages to catch himself again, watching as his father storms out. The judging eyes of the other passengers follow him. Danny’s head dips to his chest and his hand’s clench in helpless bundles. He glances one last time at Jack then walks back to us, shoulders slumped and arms hanging loosely at his sides. “Danny, he doesn’t mean it. He’s just had a hard day…” Danny throws himself down, back to us all. He’s not listening to a word I say. I put my hands under Lucie’s armpits and hoik her up into my lap. She burrows deep into my dress, her sharp ribs digging uncomfortably into me. I shift her carefully. Her arms and legs are like twigs, and I’m afraid to snap them. “Sit with us, Danny.” I lay my hand on his shoulder and he throws me off in disgust. “I’m sixteen for Christ’s sake!” He pounds his fist on his lap, shifts further away from me. I rest my head in my hands. Danny’s right. He grew up quicker than I could ever have imagined. I wrap my arms protectively around Lucie and lower my mouth
to the level of her ear. She rolls her neck from side to side in an effort to
make the weight of her head more comfortable. I start to sing, a simple lullaby
that my mother used to whisper to me when I had trouble sleeping. Lucie sinks
deeper into my lap. My voice wavers slightly, and I have to stop suddenly to
draw breath a couple of times. Soon, Lucie’s breathing grows even and peaceful, and her
face sinks into a blissful smile. I lay her down gently on the floor, and cover
her little body with a rug. Her eyelids flicker in sleep and they are so pale
as to be almost translucent. I kneel and press a kiss to her forehead, before standing and heading out, weaving my way past luggage, sleeping children, mothers holding their babies close, men playing cards for change. The air is still warm out but a chill runs through it now night has fallen. The sky is almost black, spilt ink mixed with dirt. Jack stands alone, hands thrust deep in his pockets. I walk over to him and wait. We don’t acknowledge each other, or make any indicator of noticing the other’s presence. Instead, we face the horizon, looking down the rails. I can sense him beside me, his body strong but wiry, dirt worked into every crease in his clothing, his eyes hard as pebbles. His hand reaches for mine in the darkness and our fingers entwine. We stand like that for a while, just holding each other. Jack loosens his grip and seems about to turn and leave, but
just as he begins to move, something changes his mind. He clutches my hand as
if he were drowning. I hold him as well, and we grip each other until the blood
draws away. His fingernails cut into my skin and looking down, I see that
little crescents have been engraved into his palm. Jack’s breathing relaxes
slightly, and we release each other, waiting for dark to fall completely. I
rest my head lightly on his shoulder blade and I know that we can get through
this. We look up at the stars, and it suddenly strikes me how very, very small
we are. “It’ll be fine. Everythin’ will work out in the end.” Jack’s voice is barely a whisper, and I have to strain to hear him. I don’t think he believes what he says, and I’m not sure that I believe it any more either. Tomorrow we will get back on the train, and continue on our journey, but after that, who knows? We can only afford to live one day at a time. Any more, and we’d lose all hope for sure. Now, we’re just four amongst millions, trying for a better life. The odds are against us. But think like that for too long, and you lose the will. Too many people get like that. You see them in the trains, glassed over eyes, not caring where the next stop is. I don’t want to be one of them. For now, we just got to keep hoping. © 2013 Tiny GlitchFeatured Review
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StatsAuthorTiny GlitchUnited KingdomAboutLike most of the people here, I write in my spare time, and hope one day to be able to write all the time. more..Writing
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